Borderline Personality Support Group

On Thursday I am scheduled to see my t for the first time in three weeks. It has been very difficult at times, though I also used skills and got through a lot of urges (not last night, though, when drank ;(). I am feeling very immature and can see myself going in and being sarcastic in saying I didn't miss her, etc. My "little" side just feels/felt so abandoned and angry. I hate feeling vulnerbale and needy when I know she does not need me and no doubt enjoyed not having to deal with me. Does anyone relate to any of this or have suggestions on how to be/act when I see her? I feel like I want to take back control and have even thought of canceling, but again I know that is not the right way to go about this. The one thing I hope to do is share a list of both good and bad things I have done or felt in her absence. I feel so pouty and am ashamed. At times I have felt such strong anger that I start dissociating as I do when my feelings are too intense for me.

Ahhhhh Petirrojo i know this feeling very well. I use the counselling center at my school and unfortunately often times appointments maybe months apart.For days on end i think of all the things i want to tell my t when i finally see him but by the time the visit comes around all the emotional charge has worn out the event and it no longer bothers me. other times i think and dream about all that i want to say but once i get into the office i'm ms. sarcasm, ms. attitude. and i'm literally quiet. He's actually asked me to leave before for not talking.

But back to the point. The feeling of abandonment you are experiencing is normal because you have had so much happen in your life in 3 months that you probably wanted to process with your t but they weren't there. I guess you could tell your t what happened to you while they were away and what you did and maybe bring up how you felt not having him / her present while these things were happening. I think talking about how you felt not having them around will be great because one day you will have to terminate your sessions and you will have to get used to not having them around. talking about how to deal with his / her absence should help prepare you for that day.

Post edited by: Kissietina, at: 07/15/2012 12:35 PM

The most important part of a therapist/client relationship is honesty. I think you should tell her how the past few weeks have been in regards to her not being there and yourself. Cancelling wont be controlling the situation for her though, it will just affect you and postpone your care.

I think I will go in and try to be upfront and honest about it all. I think she will be pleased by some of what I have done. But I fear she will hear from the lady who covered for her about our one conversation that occured when I had drunk acohol. Not a good first and only impression of me at all. She never gets mad at me; in fact is always saying that other emotions are underneath anger. She hs only used the word "disappointed" and "frustrated" when I have pressed. Still, I hate when she gets second-hand info through other people. Hopefully it won't be as bad as I fear. I have had some time to think about our therapy.

The idea of ending is very frightening to me.

Yet I read a book recently advocating "intermittent" therapy for people with bpd to allow clients to be on their own practicing skills, with the knowledge that they can return whenever they need. I don't think my t will do that as I think I have to see her in order to join the dbt group. But that thought has raised my anxiety. I sometimes worry unnecessarily about things that never occur.

Hug pet. i think we all worry about that. Even when you end the relationship you miss them. I didn't think i was getting anything from my first t so i told him i was not coming back. he suggested i see another counselor. even though i thought he sucked ass i still missed him. very strange but i guess after a year. I mean they become a part of your life. you get used to their office and the appointments. it takes some adjusting i guess. but you can cross that bridge when you get there.

Just be honest like peaches suggested. i hope your session goes well.

Post edited by: Kissietina, at: 07/15/2012 02:49 PM

((((petirrojo)))) I hope you're gentle on yourself this week, and do a lot of anxiety-reducing activities. I know you've been struggling the last little while and hope that you feel relieved after seeing her. Maybe when you're being upfront you can explain to her that you feel so dependent on her and yet you're conflicted because you're afraid of abandonment, and yet afraid of being dependent at the same time. Perhaps that's something the two of you could talk about. I'm glad she's back though, for you, and I'm really proud about how strong you've been (everyone gets stupid drunk at some point, it's not like you repeated the night!)

Be good to you!

xo

Thanks .

I was tired all day yesteday as a result of drinking. As well I felt ashamed ot the point of calling the people I'd spoken to and apologizing. So I paid for my mistake.

She is back in the office today am I am to see her Thursday. In her absence

I learned I am a bit stronger than I think. The nice weather really helped as when it is rainy, it becomes much much harder to get out, emotionally and physically. After her absence and reading the book Half in Love with Death, I am contemplating reducing my sessions to once per week. I am not sure I can take that initiative but perhaps I am regressing in my overdependence on her. Maybe I'd be more likely to make actual friends if I didn't use meetings with her as a social time.

I expect I will feel a little wary when I see her but that is ok.

Post edited by: petirrojo, at: 07/16/2012 05:14 AM

It is definitely something to think about (cutting the sessions to once a week). While we need to have a good relationship with therapists, sometimes we cross the line of considering them an actual friend (which is what came to mind when you mentioned you considered it social interaction). It can put a strain on the relationship and treatment process when the same feelings aren't returned. I've had issues with that as well.

It's great that you took the initiative to apologize to the people you had interactions with while you were drinking.

I don't know what to do, what I want, what I need. I stayed for only half my appt. I was in tears. She'd probably fire me anyway as I keep canceling other appts with other mh providers. I've been impulsive, getting caught up in a moment of emotion or doubt and acting on those feelings. I am thinking I don't do t well, that it's all or nothing. I can't build anything like a normal life while being in t. We've talked about it. Just feeling beyond therapy atm.

Is it possible to put on hold her appointments while you discover the other appointments? Maybe there's a reward you can give yourself if you make it to you dbt apt.? Maybe this t isn't right, but maybe one of the other two apts, or even both would fit??