Borderline Personality Support Group

I have bpd. I always had it, as long as I can remember myself. I never really knew the name for it, but I always knew I had it. Maybe I was better off not knowing the name...

My boyfriend is breaking up with me every day in the worst way possible. He either writes a text 5 minutes before we suppose to meet, or takes all his stuff out of my apartment when I am at work and I come home to an empty house, or drives away when I am not watching. When he stays for more then a week he says it is because I wont let him go.

He laughs at my bpd every time I mention it calling it a pitty party. He calls me crazy and unstable. I have to tell him that I probably dont have bpd, because if I do he breakes up with me yet again, because he is convinced you suppose to run from people with bpd.

He makes sure he doesnt tell me his his schedule so I will be guessing all day. He makes sure not to invite me to see his friends, since I am crazy.If I ask too many questions, and the reason I do is because my head feels like its about to expode, he can punch me, or kick me out of the car.

And its all my fault because I am desperetly trying to keep him. I physically cant bare the thought of going through abandonment and break up, so willing to do whatever.

For those of you with bpd, you must know how this feels like. I have panic attacks non stop, 2-4 a day. I have clinical depression to the point where I dont even want to do anything about it cause I dont care. I have constant anxiety and my days are filled with thoughts of how he is going to leave me this time and how much it is going to hurt to be abandoned again.

I left my husband for this boufriend, moved out of my house, lost all of my friends, cause the ones I had I shared with my ex husband, and obviously since I was the bad one in the marriage, I had to step away. The couple girlfriends I had stopped talking to me cause they cant understand why the hell I am in this relationship. Relationship?

I dont really know why I am writing this. I guess I just had to say it. I have been living like this for 7 month. I lost 25 pounds and cant sleep. I tried medication and therapy. No results.

Post edited by: peaches261, at: 05/24/2012 07:15 PM

You poor girl, I know exactly how you feel. My 2nd marriage is in trouble and I'm struggling with the constant anxiety as well. I just cannot deal with another break up. I've got a good therapist so that helps me keep going but it is so terrible. The only answer is to get strong in ourselves so we don't need another person so badly. In crisis situations like this mess don't seem to help much. You obviously know mentally that this person is not good to you or for you. He is not the wonderful things you believe he is. Try to see him as he really is and know that you are better than this, that you deserve better and that you need to protect yourself from this abuse. You know how you feel when you see someone else suffering and in pain? That's you and you need to care for yourself like you would an injured child or loved pet. I know how hard it is. Start with small things, like a bath, putting on make up, moisturizing your whole body, a walk in the park. Something that helps you experience your body to get a bit grounded. That helps take the focus off your emotional state. Even if it is only for a minute, you need a break from the constant pain. Can you join a therapy group? It will help to have other people to talk with who understand and you might find a friend. I hope to hear how you are going x

Thank you for your replies. I feel like I don't have any energy to do anything for myself really... I barely have enough to deal with school and work and just taking care of basics, like doing laundry, or washing my hair...but really my days are filled with hopeless sadness and constant anxiety and worrying about when he is going to leave for good..

I know how unhealthy and wrong this is and how bad my thought process is. It is embarrassing, but I can't feel anything else.

And he knows, he has to know exactly the things to make me feel the worst. I told him many times what would drive me and my anxieties crazy, because I thought that would help avoid problems.. If he knew, he would maybe phrase things differently or avoid certain situations... They are not even that complicated...

So now he uses that information to hurt me the most, explaining that that he just wants to act like this, regardless of how I feel.

That kills anything else in me.

And I tried breaking up and just letting it happen. And I go back after couple weeks, because the horror of living alone with my problem, not having friends or family and realizing that it's all my fault is something I just can't handle.

I gave up

Mgm2012, what is the status of your relationships with your husband now?

Hi lelik, we don't live together due to his son abusing my daughter so the past 3 years have been a more or less constant crisis for me, needing reassurance that we will stay together. I thought things were going pretty ok when out of the blue he dropped the bombshell that he didn't want to be married to me any more, about a month ago so it 's been hell since then. Big crisis and feeling how you are. It was so traumatic. Since then he has admitted he needs help for his own anxiety and 'fear of relationships' issues and has started seeing a therapist. He has said he 'jumped the gun' in saying he wants to divorce and a few days ago made a commitment to staying together while we work on our own issues. That has helped relieve my anxiety a bit so the last 2 days have been better. Who knows how long that will last? I can't trust my emotions not to overwhelm me. I trying to learn not to include him in my thoughts about myself and how I feel. I know my feelings come from inside me and it wouldn't matter who I was in a relationship with, I'd still be worried about being abandoned. We can never really rely on another person to make us feel good and not to leave. I just want to be able to rely on my own self and be stable. I'm seeing my therapist weekly and that helps because she understands the emotional rollercoaster I live on. I'm also trying to do things that distract me from the situation, spending more quality time with my daughter, we just went away for a few days and it was good for me to get distance from him. I know how impossible it can be to not think and feel a about your relationship, but even if u can give yourself a little break from it, it will be good for you. One of my therapists told me about 'shelving' your problems and sometimes I can do that. You say to yourself 'right, I know I feel awful but i'm just going to put this situation in a box on the shelf for a few minutes and give myself a break from it . I can always come back to it later'. How are you going today? X