Borderline Personality Support Group

They are usually directed toward mental health providers. I'm not sure exactly what it is I want them to do for me, just care about me I think. Why? I don't know. All I know is it makes me feel depressed when I get thoughts and feelings like this.

Sometimes I think I only want people to care so that I can tell them to go away and leave me alone. But when they're gone I want them to come back and care about me.

Thankfully I don't do that with my husband and daughter. It just makes no sense to me.

I remember the feeling from when I was very young and if I get that feeling now, it's still painful for me.

Just wish it would go away forever.

Does anyone understand/identify with these feelings? It's like I need to be saved and then reject them at the same time.

It can be very confusing your emotions are saying one thing and your head is saying the opposite..

Yes a 'tug of war' mentally is how it feels. The psychotherapist I saw a couple of years ago asked me what I wanted her to do for me. I didn't know what I wanted her to do for me, just something. But instead that was it...end of treatment and bye bye.

I know I had no right to feel angry, but I did feel it inside...for the ending that is. I especially felt angry as since then she has refused to see me again.

I am not normally an angry sort of a person and would class myself as being nice, quiet and sort of shy and I hated how angry I was feeling inside.

I couldn't honestly say to anyone or myself what it is that I need half the time, just that I know that I need something....something is missing that I feel quite pathetic about.

Hope it sort of makes sense. I feel like a right screwball.

Thanks for identifying.

As an adult, I find it hard to assume responsibility for myself and to let people in without getting too attached or dependent. The middle areas are so hard!

Post edited by: petirrojo, at: 04/12/2012 06:22 AM

Thanks for your reply.

Yes...what you've said about parents certainly rings true with me. I needed them, but they hurt me so much, I don't want to need them or anybody. Having said that I have a healthy relationship with my husband. He is the only person I truly trust.

But other than him it is very hard to trust or allow myself to get close to other people.

When I was being treated by mental health professionals I found myself in a tug of war type feeling with them. It was so strange, a horrible horrible feeling, and like you say I'm sure it was down to attachment problems. It's taken me a long time to mentally let go, even though I haven't found them helpful. I think I unknowingly transferred my wishes to have a parental type figure onto them. It was a very painful feeling.

I do feel very let down by my parents. There is no love, but no hate either. Just nothingness and big gaping hole where parental love should have been.

Yes, I have done the same over and over, and though they may care for us, it is a limited relationship and we are no longer kids. Very painful indeed. Then comes the shame for me...

I am in the proces with my current t of trying to have more realistic expectations and lower my dependence. I can be a lot to handle bc of my intense suicidal and other feelings. Trying to find the middle groud...I need to remember Iam responsible for myself, which often terrifies me.

That you have a good relationship with your husband shows strength and progress on your part. I have avoided that type of relationship.

Do you have these trouble with friendships as well?

Post edited by: petirrojo, at: 04/12/2012 06:28 AM

Yes I can identify completely with the feelings of shame you get. I get them too. I also feel very childlike inside and embarrassed to be feeling like this, so I feel as if I can't tell anyone, otherwise I would probably be mocked and thought of as being pathetic. That's the fear anyway.

At least it's safe to put it into words here. The irony is, to stop myself from being or feeling so pathetic I almost take it to the other extreme and become fiercely independant and not wanting to confide in anybody. I still don't think my husband get's me totally. I sort of tried explaining things but started feeling pathetic and shameful so I stopped. It's not easy baring your soul to people. I also need to maintain some sort of dignity and pride in myself. But then like last year when I found it hard to keep up the pretence anymore I made a suicidal gesture.

It was then that I discovered that nobody really wanted to know why I did this or wanted to know what I was thinking or wanted to know about the pain I was feeling inside. I could then have decided to go ahead and do it again and hurt myself, or have picked myself up and carried on with life. And so because I have a husband and child I just had to carry on. It hurt like hell though that nobody seemed to be interested in why I had hurt myself.

I also get angry when I hear of other situations where people should be cared for but aren't. I get angry when I hear about old people on the wards in hospitals not been given basic care and then because of this, their condition worsening and perhaps even dying due to lack of basic care - dehydration and other similar reasons due to neglect.

The trouble is...inner anger turns to hoplessness and I don't know which is worse!

I better not talk about friends in case they read this. I have two friends, but I have always found it hard to make friends and get close to anyone. I'm always very wary of being hurt. People can be very nasty in order to make themselves look or feel good. A true friend shouldn't do that. Neither of the two friends I have do that but I have found that with certain other potential friends in recent years, that didn't turn out to be friends at all.

The world is a scary place. If you've found that to be true most of your life it is hard knowing that you have to take responsibility for yourself. Even these organisations that are out there to support you have nasty people working for them, or people that have no desire to support you really. At least my husband loves and cares about me...but deep down I am still thinking that this isn't the same as having a caring and loving parent. Even adults need their parents sometimes don't they. Well there's no point in expecting anything from mine. Long story.

I'm ok though, but it's just to get it all out.

Hope your doing ok.