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02/07/2009 12:43 PM

Awww man! Why can't I do this???

aerayne
aerayne  
Posts: 36
Member

It's easy right? Take shower, check. Do make-up, check. Do hair, check. Call cab...call cab. Why is this so bloody hard for me????!!!!!

It's just a person in a car who drives me to where I need to go. Why am I absolutely petrified of doing it.

I've already changed several times, re-did my hair, I'm about to scrap off all the make-up, and just go back to bed.

What is it that makes this so hard to do? Am I afraid of the driver? Am I afraid of conversation? Afraid I'll get hurt? It's not like a cab driver can really hurt me. Their boss knows where they are at all times and what they are doing. There is no room for them to do anything wrong.

But they do talk to me and I hate that. I wish they would just be quiet, turn up the radio and leave me alone. But they always need to ask, "so how are you doing today?" If I were to answer them, they'd be turning around and driving me to the mental ward. RRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!

My husband's right. I can't take care of myself. I try to, but I always fail. The last time this happened, well...it was just really really bad. And I did wind up at the hospital.

Why are panic attacks real? Why can't i just be normal?

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02/07/2009 01:35 PM
aerayne
aerayne  
Posts: 36
Member

ok, well i found my sister. she was in the hospital. maybe i was having a psychic moment and not a psycho one lol. but i'm much more ok now. i also talked to my husband who talked me through my panic attack. so i just ordered food and will be staying home. sheesh, it's so hard just being alive some days. i'm just thankful my son isn't here and didn't have to see this. ugh

02/07/2009 03:06 PM
TIFFANYisMENTAL



Post edited by: TIFFANYisMENTAL, at: 07/27/2009 10:48 PM

02/07/2009 07:10 PM
WantDignity
WantDignity  
Posts: 1261
Senior Member

Me too. But it sounds like your anxiety is so strong you might be on the line of a phobia. Sounds just lovely doesn't it. It sounds like Anthropophobia, fear of people or society. OR is it just the driver? This is really confusing. I wish I could do something to help and to help you with getting confident enough to take care of yourself.

02/10/2009 10:45 AM
aerayne
aerayne  
Posts: 36
Member

It is the people. I get knots in my stomach just from having to go out into public. It's already starting today too. I haven't been out since my therapy appointment last Friday. I have disability rehab today in an hour and a half and I'm already freaking out. I can't believe this is happening to me. I used to love people. I used to be so friendly and chat in public all the time. Now I'm terrified. It's like I'm afraid they're laughing at me or can tell I'm crazy. I have these horrid thoughts and I'm afraid they can see right through me. I'm not very "smart" lately with my brain all out of whack, and I make so many mistakes. I studder now when I try to talk to them, or I drop things or fumble or something bad always happens.

I feel like I really can't be OK without my husband here. He always reassured me and well I guess babied me. And having my kids with me all the time gave me confidence too. But now they aren't here, and I'm reminded of them everywhere I go. I cry when I hear their names or see other kids like them.

Chris promises he's doing everything he can to come back to me. But he's all the way in Texas and I'm in Michigan. He's hoping 2 more weeks. I want desperately to believe he really is coming back. But I'm always so sad. People ask me how I am and I just want to slap them. Can't they tell? I'm miserable. I've been miserable since December 5th. I only feel safe under the covers or blocking out feelings with writing my poems.

RRRRRRGGGG sorry. I guess it's more than just fear. I guess I'm just waiting for the white coats to take me away again. I'm sorry. I don't know how to not ramble sometimes.

I can be so comfortable talking to people online, but a live human being and I just lose it. I wasn't like this 2 months ago. What is happening to me? Is it possible my husband was right and I really was sucking the life out of him by using him as my security in everything? How is that possible?

Post edited by: aerayne, at: 02/10/2009 10:49


02/10/2009 02:23 PM
aerayne
aerayne  
Posts: 36
Member

Well this will sound odd, but I think it IS the cab driver. My brother-in-law wound up giving me a ride to the place I had to go, and I wasn't as freaked out. As soon as I was in the cab, and he asked me the best way to get to my house, I nearly lost it. When it occurred to him that he was already on the right street and he wasn't going to have problems finding it I started to calm down.

My problems really escalated about a month ago when I had an appointment in an unfamiliar area and I was given the wrong address. The cab took me to the wrong place obviously, and I was supposed to take the bus home. Well, I couldn't find the bus stop because I wasn't in the right place to begin with, I didn't have enough cash for another cab, my cell phone was off, and I was really far from home. It was freezing outside--in the single digits and I just kept walking. I didn't know what else to do. I was terrified and in so much pain, hopelessly depressed and suicidal at the time. I was ready to give up and just lay down on a bench and go to sleep. But then some people walked by and I asked them if I was close to the hospital. It turned out I was and I went there instead. That's the really short version.

Now I'm terrified of taking cabs or any public transportation to an unfamiliar place. That has to be it doesn't it? The cab drivers are always very nice and never seem threatening. I was fine when I got a ride from a family member. Am I making any sense? I'm constantly trying to self analyze.


02/10/2009 07:36 PM
WantDignity
WantDignity  
Posts: 1261
Senior Member

That sounds like you are not just afraid of the cab driver. You may also be afraid of getting lost. That is a huge fear for me. I hate going to places I don't know. I've been lost before and I thought I wasn't ever going to find my way home. It scared the hell out of me. From that point I not only make sure I have minutes on my cell phone but I also have a GPS now and I don't go anywhere without it.

02/11/2009 01:23 PM
aerayne
aerayne  
Posts: 36
Member

That's true. I am absolutely terrified of being lost. I can recall other times I was and the panic that ensued.

02/11/2009 01:36 PM
WantDignity
WantDignity  
Posts: 1261
Senior Member

Maybe it's worth a shot to look into it.
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