Borderline Personality Support Group

I have succeeded in pushing away my only friend. We had been friends for 8 years and it had been rocky from the start. As of late I had found myself wanting to start fights with her just so I wouldn't have to see her and I started hating her for things that she had said to me. I felt relieved to be free of her and almost happy to start over but I have completely shut down and have gone numb again. I am always scared that people are going to reject me or leave me so I always leave them first. This whole time I felt like I wasn't ever going to be good enough for her and like she deserved someone better. Someone less crazy. I don't know why it is so hard for me to feel or to let my guard down but almost always my first impression of a person is right. I don't know. I just don't know what to feel. I feel like I should be sad and take to my bed for days or at least that would be something a normal person would do. I just keep acting like nothing ever happened.

hi Gothic, it's a coping mechanism that you learned a long time ago. most likely when you were going through something traumatizing. it's completely natural for people with bpd.

hopefully your friend will just back away a little and give you some space, but not totally abandon you. *hugs*

i've been in a relationship with my boyfriend going on 9 years now. i often feel as if i'm not good enough for him or that he deserves better. so then i'd act out and do bad things to him, like pick fights or cheat, etc.. just to push him away. thankfully it hasn't yet worked, however i was very very close to losing him.

things will get better. you don't need to be sad in your bed for days, that just promotes depression. the numbness will wear off, this is still a new change in your life. i know when i have changes i tend to go numb for a bit til i can sort it out in my head.

have you ever thought about doing dbt therapy? i think it would really help.

Well-written yellowroze! It is most definitely a BPD thing, I used to do it to friends and boyfriends if I spent a lot of time with them. What helped for me was telling them that sometimes I just needed some alone time, it could be days or weeks. I would let them know that it wouldn't be because of anything they had done, I was just a person who liked to have time to myself every once in a while.

Hello yelloroze. I love your name by the way. I am glad that you and your boy friend are doing good. I am sorry that you do the same things as me like pushing people away and trying to start fights. I don't think my best friend is coming back. I have done this so many times that she is tired of it and I am tired of trying. I just wish I new how to deal with things better and learn how not to do this with the next person I am in a relationship or friendship with. I am going to therapy and it has helped me a lot with my other issues. We may have to talk about this more.

Are you working on DBT? Typically regular talk therapy while sometimes helpful, isn't what makes progress happen with BPD. We have a section in this group with DBT lessons. You may want to check them out.

Hiya peaches. Even though I tried to tell my best friend I need my alone time but she didn't understand and a lot of the time I would make excuses for not hanging out or I would be really late to hang out with her because it was hard for me to pull out of my slump and try to cheer myself up long enough to spend time with her and I felt like I always had to be hyper or in a good mood to perform as a friend to her and it would always drain me. I feel relieved that we aren't friends and she said she felt relieved too. I hope my future friendships and relationships go better than this.

Thank you. I will definitely check them out.