Well since my last screw up, it has been hairy around here. My waife and I have had a couple of very good productive conversations and I thought had been straightening some things out about what is wrong with me and how to control some things. She has been very gracious in helping do things around the house, help me with my daughters whom I have for 2 weeks of vacation and seemingly being involved with me. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going seperate ways for bed, she is very cold and almost rude. I cannot complain since I am the one who screwed up AGAIN. She sends me an email today saying that she is "stuck" putting up with this shi*hole of a life. She also says she is not happy at all. I am having a very tough time dealing with the roller coaster ride in my own head right now. All I want to do is cry but cannot find enough alone time to do it and when I am alone I cant seem to cry because my head is in such disrepair. Things had been so well for the last month or more until I slipped up last week and did not stop to think about what I was doing when I began doing it. It is simple stuff, man. I can't understand why I do what I do sometimes. It is chaos, utter chaos and I hate it with everything I own. I hate doing some of the things I have done and seem to continue to do. This is something I need to work on with my therapist. How do I deal with the fact that I am inches from losing all sanity? I don't want to soak in alcohol. I am trying to be with my girls as much as humanly possible because I need that comfort. They don't know that much is going on but I have told them that we aren't getting along very well again because their dad is a screw up. I want so bad for her to see that there are a lot of good things in me and not just an occassional screw up, eventhough it seems that those screw ups tear at everything she expects of me. I need to talk but don't want to go to my friends that I always go to because everytime I talk to them it happens to be about something I did wrong and that is getting old for them and me for that matter. I just don't know what to do. I love my wife like nothing anyone has ever seen before and she doesn't believe that I even like her let alone love her. I hurt so badly right now for me and for her... If you think you have it beat...you dont!
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