Borderline Personality Support Group

hi there, i feel wierd asking this but need to know if its same for any of you. I have been really down lately, suicidal, attempted last weekend..couldnt find anything but one son to live for. Then I started back on dating site, with a pic this time. When i am on the site i forget all my problems and feel normal. I feel like i can handle it all. I have even met a guy last night, perfect stranger, did turn out he was kind of wierd , but no issues. I know thats not safe but neither is sitting home wanting to cut and kill myself and mixing booze and pills. I didnt even drink last night. It just feels like i am two people. Im up now because of all the attention last night but once i start thinking aboutt the bad stuff..getting kicked out of place..no income i will get down. I saw my therapist yesterday and she suggested maybe landlord kicking me out partly cause i slept with him . I denied it and dont know, but maybe it made him care a bit and now he cant handle not knowing if i will die in his house, he is gone for days at a time. I just dont seem to be able to be around a guy and not come on to them. Any similarities out there?

I've also been recently going on an online dating site. I don't actually go out and meet people. But I start having conversations with people, really in-depth conversations and don't really have any intention of starting anything with them. I definitely think it makes me feel better knowing that guys are out there and interested in me. I hardly talk to anybody that I know anymore, but talking to strangers is so much easier.

thanks guys, actually i did call a crisis hotline and felt better when i hung up, then minutes later i was trying to kill myself. What does stop me from trying more often is my one son, i know he needs me and would probably try to kill himself if i did something to myself, we have had the conversation. But you all probably know how it is, he doesnt contact me for an hour when i expect him to and i figure he doesnt need me. That good old black and white thinking. Oh, Faraday, to explain further, i am NOT looking for a relationship, i am done with that. I just want to have fun , no interest in any attachment, i have become very cynical and cold really. I just want the attention and maybe get taken out once in awhile and of course a romp in the sack regularly. All my bad experiences , thinking it was going to be forever only to have them turn abusive or into aholes, cured me finally, had to reach 51 to figure that out.

@ Samiam17- I am so glad you are still with us. I had a similar problem last year. My boyfriend was unintentionally hurting me with a very very close friendship with another woman. Too close and that's not just jealousy and BPD stuff. So I ventured into the world of on-line dating. After my computer illiterate ass figured out how to maneuver the site well, I thrived on the attention. There were some that just messaged me because of my pic, then others who read my profile and wanted to get to know me. It may not be a problem for you but I found myself getting very attached (at different times) to people. We would chat on0line, next thing you know we are on the phone three hours a night. I am able to give people what they want from me but only for awhile. After spending a lot of time talking to one very nice and smart man, we met and all this wild chemistry we had on the phone was gone. He is married now with a child on the way and I am happy for him. But it reminded me that I don't have a lot too offer someone when I was still struggling and sick.

I hope you do find what you are seeking but if you are suicidal, that needs to be addressed first. A great boyfriend/ companion/lay won't change that, at least not for long. The beginning of all my relationships have been amazing, passionate conversation, complete infatuation, great sex very quickly and then when the facade breaks they wonder who I really was? I can't tell them because half the time i do not know.

Enough about me . I know you said you were not interested in attachment but be careful with "friends with benefits" situations. They don't usually turn out well and it has never been a positive experience for me.

Please keep posting and you can find some great people here. Thanks for staying with this world.

Jipsyvalentine- I agree. I don't know when it became easier to talk to strangers than people I know. I don't really have friends anymore either. I couldn't explain why I behaved the way I did and that has gotten worse as I get farther into my 20's. I have my roommate who is fairly understanding and my boyfriend who tries very hard. That's it. That is why this forum is so important to me because I can rest and pull the mask off and be who I am. In a way for me, talking to strangers that I will have little to no communication with later is very easy. Maybe that's why I make such a good waitress . However the communications I have with others on this site is different. I know that if tomorrow is horrible someone will be my cheerleader here and help me get through it. Just be careful.

oh boy, what can change in 12 hours, i am off the site and scared to death of myself the most. I met a guy last night late, he came to my house, wanted sex right away...duh...and i said no, he left pissed. Tonight again, i talked to guy i talked to last night, seemed great, decided late at night to meet, he came to my house and i couldnt do it. We had already started and i tried to stop and he was not giving up easy. I had to decide to i risk him hurting me if he doesnt get his way, or do i risk the emotional harm it will do to me by haveing sex with stranger. I also realized by talking to my therapist that it is likely i am getting kicked out of my house more than just my suicide attempt, it is cause i came on to landlord, knew it was stupid but didnt seem to be able to stop. Believed him when he said no it wont effect you being tenant. I have got myself into so many jams cause of my impulsive sexual desires. I hate myself because of it, really hate myself. I want to be locked away.

the risk wasnt getting attached, i am too cold now for that too happen, self absorbed, selfish, not interested at all. the risk is ending up dead and the total annihaltion of my self esteem. cant believe this morning i thought it was the answer. I hate this, i hate me, i just wish somehow i could stop or get put in some institution til i change. I tried a treatment program last year and i made it half way. Part was cause of money and physical pain but i started trying to leave the day i arrived. I hated it and fought it the whole way, everyone said i had one foot out the door. What a mistake blowing that opportunity. I have done so much harm to myself and others.

Sam, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about yourself. Having meaningless sex is such a self esteem killer and it isn't like we have a lot of good feelings about ourselves to start with.

Have you thought about meeting them in public rather then at your house?

ya, i tried that angela, i always start in public but quickly end up at my place. Because i put so much out online it is expected by them. I am off the online sites now, last experience stops me but now i feel my life is so empty, lonely and void. I only live for one person and that doesnt give me a lot of satisfaction as much as i love him dearly. I am going to do the duty to the dog then drink and take a pill to make the rest of this day go away. I just cant put up with any more today.