Borderline Personality Support Group

OK, so I know I totally stole that phrase but it couldn't fit my situation right now any better. Lately my husband and I have been at eachothers throats. He thinks I choose to be borderline/bipolar and that I am just not doing anything about it. He says that his life is such a wreck and when he invisioned his life he never thought of this. He says people with diabetes or cancer can't control their illness but I can and I should. I am trying as hard as I can but I sometimes fail. He says I should be able to guarantee him that I will never go into the hospital again, but when I tell him I can't but I will try it just upsets him more. He says he is just waiting for me to fall apart again and has had to put a lot of things in his life on hold because of my choices. I feel like the worst person ever and I have a hard time dealing. Has anyone had any issues like this with their spouse? How do you deal? What steps can I take? I am in therapy, going to a psychiatrist and start group therapy next week...any suggestions? Thanks for listening.

i know exactly where your coming from. i've never been married but i have been in the same situation with my partner. he wanted me to gaurentee that i wouldn't get sick again. that it was too hard for him. You can't say that you'll never need hospitalisation again. what me and my partner did was arrange to meet with my psychiatrist and discuss the implications of my disorder and what i was doing to help myself. family therapy helped alot too as we both got to say everything we needed to say in a neutral environment. by the sounds of it your husband might benefit with joining a support group for family members of people with borderline personality disorder. it may help him to discuss issues with others who have been in similar situations. I hope i helped a little.

Post edited by: bec88, at: 02/05/2011 11:00 AM

Diabetes is actually what my pdoc and therapist compare it to when talking about it. All I can suggest is to ask him to come to a therapy session with you so your therapist can help him understand a bit better. There's also a group on here for loved ones with BPD, you could talk to him about joining it.

In the end you have to do what's best for you, and if he can't accept that it's something you will always deal with, I don't know what else to suggest. We all know it's not like we can flip a switch and make it go away, if we could this group wouldnt exist. Don't beat yourself up over this, you're trying to improve, and it must be hard with him saying such things to you.

Butterfly, it sounds like you're doing everything possible to stay centered and healthy and that's all anyone can ask of you. It's unfair for him to demand that you reassure him that you will stay healthy.

I haven't been in your situation, but the only thing I can suggest is that you use the repitition tactic. When he brings it up, I'd just say, "I'm doing everything possible to stay healthy. I will continue to do whatever I can so I can live a normal life. I'm doing my best and that's all I can do." Insert your own words, of course since mine are just a general suggestion. Repeat the same thing every time he demands that you assure him that you will never relapse.

I'm sure things may be difficult for him at times, but empathy and compassion are wonderful traits to have and I hope he can work on that. He hopefully understands that this isn't easy for you either.

Post edited by: Angela2, at: 02/05/2011 02:54 PM

Thank you all so much for your advice I really appreciate it and yes I am taking my husband to my pdoc appointment and hope to soon take him to my therapy as well. I really just hope we can start getting along better because its getting really hard.

Valentines Day is coming up. Have you thought about doing something special for him like cooking his favorite meal and having a candlelit dinner? Just something simple that will show him how much you care and how determined you are to have a good relationship.

I think that is a good idea. I haven't decided exactly what I'm going to do yet but I want to do something special because I want to try to keep this marriage alive. I'm taking suggestions lol. Thank you all so much for all the help I appreciate it lots.

I have a few suggestions and they're not expensive. I don't know your financial situation, but mine was dire for many years so I had to be creative. (Haha)

If you choose Valentines Day to start with special things, you could do small things throughout the day to surprise him. These are only suggestions and you'll want to amend them to fit his and your personal tastes.

1. Make his favorite breakfast and serve it to him in bed. He may be impressed that you got up extra early and took the time to make his day special. Leave enough time to stay with him while he eats since it will give him the sense that you didn't just cook and run and that you truly care.

2. I don't know your schedule, but either prepare his favorite lunch/sandwich. If he doesn't have lunch at home, take it to his workplace and again, stay with him and have lunch together.

3. Have a flower either delivered to him or take it yourself to save money. It doesn't have to be an expensive bouquet. A single rose will let him know how much you care. If you think he'd feel silly around the guys, place it on his end table or anywhere you think he'd be surprised and happy.

4. A way to a man's heart is his stomach so take him out for dinner or make his favorite meal at home, depending on finances.

5. If he likes chocolate, you could get a small bag of chocolate hearts and leave them in thoughtful places such as on his pillow before he goes to bed, in his dresser drawer so he sees them right away in the morning, tucked beside his dinner plate, etc.

6. If you enjoy movies, find out which one he'd like to see and rent it for the evening. Be sure to have time set aside so you can watch the movie together, just like you reserved time to sit and chat during your meals.

Those things may sound cheesy, but giving him your time and doing small things to show you care really can help a lot. Hopefully you can use one or two of the suggestions and you can have a special day. Remember to not let things slide by the 15th and get in the habit of doing one or two small things for him on a regular basis.

Thank you so much that is such good advice I appreciate it. I will definitly have to try that stuff!

I THINK YOU SHOULD REALLY TRY FOR REAL TO BE NICE.

BOYH OF YOU ARE SOLDIERS TUFF PEOPLE YOU FOR ENDEARING WHAT YOU NEED TO GO THREW. HIM JUST BEING A STRAIT OUT SOLDIER AT WAR.