MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
01/14/2010 01:26 PM

Dont know what to do

sunday321
 
Posts: 241
Member

Scuse me posting here but cant find borderline family forum. I dont know what to do. My husband BPD of 5 yrs been with him 9yrs, started a garden business in France earlier this year. He couldnt wait for us to join him and we went over from UK with all our belongings. He kept saying I didnt appreciate what he did (work) which I always thanked and praised him. I had to leave to return Uk for house auction and he said he wanted his family to stay for his birthday, which we did. He started acting all funny the last week, distant etc. I set off for UK day after his birthday and he cried his eyes out. On way home he phoned to say he wanted to sepatate. I drove 550 miles back and he was horrible, blaming me and everything wrong with marriage. He threw me and children out. I found out when I got home he had just started an affair as I saw the emails. Within a few days he wanted to marrty her, said he was making do with me and with the wrong people, really cruel. This happened 6 weeks ago and he has never phoned or sent any money and our house is being repossessed. He also wont return my belongings. His Mum says he is not coping well with being self employed and the stress has caused him to try and escape his problems (debts etc) which I am associated with. She says he has to convince himself not to care about me, he loves me but cannot support us as he thinks he is a failure. Is this an episode caused by stress? When I have phoned him he has been really cruel.I think he is still with the other woman but he tells me he is not. Does anyone understand all this please and what I can do?
Reply

01/14/2010 02:21 PM
Annabeth
Annabeth  
Posts: 1558
Senior Member

How long has he been diagnosed as bpd? Has he seen a doctor or therapist about it? Have you seen him go through something like this before, even on a smaller scale? (sorry for the bazillion questions, but like a lot of bpd cases, it's easier to understand if you look at the history of the person)

01/14/2010 02:37 PM
sunday321
 
Posts: 241
Member

Hi there. He was diagnosed about 15 yrs ago. Hospitalized, ECT, and put on Clozaril. Came off Clozaril when I met him 9 yrs ago, he was lovely then. Yes, loads if anger throughout marriage, took him to court 5 yrs ago. Left a few times in anger and gone to his Mum's for a few days. Always come back. Since he started in France self employed he has self harmed then spent £9600 in 2 weeks 2 months ago, was money from his parents to stop house repossession but he thought the house would sell at auction and it didnt sell that was one week before he finished with me. H e absolutely adored me too

01/14/2010 02:47 PM
Annabeth
Annabeth  
Posts: 1558
Senior Member

I don't know if this will help your or not, but there was a recent post here:

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/borderline-personality- discussions/general-support/1111789-how-a-borderline- personality-disorder-love-relatio

it's written from the male perspective about a female with bpd, and it's not the most forgiving description, but it might help you understand a little better.

As for your husband, I'm just a girl with bpd trying to figure out my own head, but if your husband has reached the point where he's spending that much money and acting out this much, he should definitely see a doctor. And I'd also suggest you going to see a counselor with your kids. It'll help you deal with it, and it'd help your kids understand it much better so it doesn't affect them in the future, y'know? But he's taking actions and risks that are affecting the whole family, not just him, and that should be dealt with.

Sorry I couldn't give you any amazing answers or ways to fix him, but I'm barely getting an understanding of my own problems with bpd. It takes a while to figure out what works and what doesn't, cuz every bpd case is different. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone on here, and we'll do our best to help you. Smile


01/14/2010 03:23 PM
sunday321
 
Posts: 241
Member

Thank you so much Annabeth, what a lovely name. I realise now how difficult life must be for you, but you are obviously trying to help yourself by being on here. Well done, that's half the battle. My problem is he says nothing wrong with him, he is France and I am back in UK, and mother in law who has been through so much with him in the past (suicide attempts etc) thinks he will be ok. If I go to France he has this other woman so I will look stupid, unless I just go and camp outside his door!! Maybe then he will see how much I love him?????

01/14/2010 03:46 PM
chaoticenigma

For me the one of the hardest things I deal with is accepting there are people who love me and won't leave me. I'm convinced everyone will. I'll even go through phases where I try my hardest to push my friends away, ignore them, etc because I figure they will leave sooner or later so I might as well be the one to end it now to save me pain later. I'm not sure if your husband deals with those kind of thoughts but it's quite common in BPD which makes it really hard to support, well, us. Definitely get some help for yourself and your kids, and keep telling him you do love him. It sucks on both sides equally, trying to convince them you love them and them trying to believe that you do.

01/14/2010 04:06 PM
Annabeth
Annabeth  
Posts: 1558
Senior Member

Thank you sunday23 Smile It's actually my nickname. I'm named after both my grandmothers, and I only have one left now. It helps me feel closer to them, and more individual while I'm at it Tongue

And thank you again for the encouragement. One here I'm usually pretty calm, this has become kind of my mental sanctuary, but every day's a battle. It helps reassert my determination to get better when I hear words like yours Smile

I know that personally, when I act out to that extreme it's because I'm trying desperately to get attention and love from anyone I can, but when people give in and pander to my outbursts it just re-enforces the cycle. I know then that I can count on them to give in, and I'm not afraid anymore... until the next time I get insecure. Eventually they get used to it tho, and I have to go to more and more extremes to get their attention. I know you love your husband, but by not getting him the help he needs (and suicide attempts are pretty much the loudest I can get emotionally) you're just letting him go through the cycle again, and it won't stop. Most people I know personally with bpd won't resort to physically hurting others, but emotionally and mentally we can be wrecking balls when we're out of control. But the thing with wrecking balls is that the easiest way to keep from being hurt is stepping out of it's range. I'm not saying you should turn your back on him, far from it, but you shouldn't let him hurt you or your family because he's hurting himself, too.


01/14/2010 04:20 PM
sunday321
 
Posts: 241
Member

Thanks Annabeth. What should I do for him then do you think, if you were in that position what would you like me to do? (Thanks for help by the way, so helpful of you!)

01/14/2010 04:26 PM
Annabeth
Annabeth  
Posts: 1558
Senior Member

It's no problem. I come on here for help and guidance, it's only right that I give it back. Plus it makes me feel good to see the smiles, even if they're digital Smile

I really can't tell you how to go about it. I didn't start getting a handle on things until I wound up in a psych ward for a couple days and got diagnosed. It's been a long bumpy uphill struggle, but worth it now that the good days outnumber the bad. The best advice I can give it do everything you can get him to see a doctor or therapist, and make sure you get help for yourself and your kids, too. BPDs aren't the only ones affected by their disorder, and the rest of the family deserves to know what's going on and how to deal with it. Plus, family is the best support you can have. They know you, and usually love you anyway Tongue


01/14/2010 04:28 PM
Kssunshine420
Kssunshine420  
Posts: 276
Member

Hey Sunday, theirs a link with that article annabeth put up to bpdfamily it's a sight specifically made for family members of Borderline people

Post edited by: Kssunshine420, at: 01/14/2010 04:32 PM

Reply

Share this discussion with your friends:
<< Start < Prev 1 Next > End >>


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved