Borderline Personality Support Group

It's 3am. I'm 37. I have not worked for a year. I have not been in any real treatment for almost six months. Wednesday I meet with the psychiatrist to be evaluated for disability. Do I have borderline personality disorder? I don't know. All I know is I've felt empty since as long as I can remember. Life doesn't make sense to me. I see other people satisfied with what they have in life, or able to enjoy what they have, and I can't. I don't think it's depression, or even bipolar, because at some point I would feel a sense of satisfaction, when I'm not depressed, or bipolar. But I never do. No matter what I do, I feel like it's not enough.

Borderline groups are the only place I've felt the right amount of despair and hopelessness that makes me think, well, maybe I have this. Or maybe I have narcissistic personality disorder. Or maybe it's avoidant pd. I don't know what it is. It doesn't matter anyway. You can write me and send me all the smileys and everything else. Maybe I'll engage for a few days. But I'll eventually see that you all have something I don't, that you're able to run your lives better, that you have real relationships, that you're able to hold down jobs, that you actually like each other and are able to get along. I can't do any of those things.

Post edited by: DXhopeless, at: 12/14/2009 06:53 AM

Well now... that was interesting. Do you expect us to talk you out of your mood or get angry at you for lashing out, like we all do anyway? Granted, yes, I use smiley faces a lot when I type. I'm a very physically expressive person, and I don't feel like me sarcasm and humor comes across well in just words, so I add the dreaded emoticons to help people tell when I'm not being serious. I hope that won't bother you in my reply.

I'm glad that you've at least tried to find out what you have, but you didn't really explain how. Have you seen a doctor or therapist for evaluation? A lot of the people on here feel better just finally being diagnosed and knowing for sure what's going on.

You seem to have the idea that we all are in some way better than you. That seems silly to me, as if you read through on here you'll see that most of us are just trying to hold it together long enough to figure out what the hell to do with ourselves and our lives. Over and over you'll see posts with people trying to figure out why one relationship or another hasn't worked out yet again. I myself am constantly posting about one interview or another and how much I hope I get the job, because I haven't had anything in the past two years but 3 weeks working part time as a hostess.

And if we seem to come across as shiney happy obnoxiously supportive people, it's because on here we feel safe enough to feel hopeful for the future. On here we find other people that have the same problems as us, and can talk about them in as much detail as we want. Some people choose to say nothing, but still come on and read what's been posted, simply because it's a really good feeling when you see that someone halfway across the world knows exactly how scared, angry, frustrated, confused, or just plain messed up you are.

I'm sorry if you're angry at any of us for anything we've posted, but on here we're just trying to be honest. It works for us, and I hope in some way it works for you too.

Annabeth

PS- Posting always makes me feel better, anyway. I'd probably have done the same thing you did.

i really dont think i need to contribute anything to this because i couldnt say it any better than annabeth just did.

but for future reference, we dont talk about suicide in that manner and which way would be better. completely inapropriate.

I don't want to add to your sense of despair and isolation. But neither will I apologize for any happiness I get. I spent many years crying because I lived to see the sun come up and prayed to God to let me and my children die so I wouldnt' have to leave them behind or have someone explain to them their mother committed suicide. I just wanted a peaceful death and end to the suffering. But I knew it would be wrong to end it and especially wrong to take my children's lives (which I couldn't imagine doing anyway). Just so you know you are not the only one who has ever felt life is so not worth living. I have even overdosed a couple of times myself=just to prove I wasnt' kidding I guess. I think most everyone here has had enough pain to want to end it in a serious way. That is the point of all this misery. To find a way out that doesnt' involve suicide, self mutilation or going crazy and "going postal". Sometimes I am actually capable of feeling happy for someone else when I can't feel anything for myself. But sometimes I can't. I guess when you can't it's OK to vent. But of all things to get mad about,another person's happiness is not one. try to understand that your misery is talking, probably not the person you really are when you are not is such pain. I hope you get the help you need to find that person.

well i have been on this forum for almost a year and i have seen that sometimes people find it easier to bitch about other people and hate that others are happy and maybe it makes them feel better, even if just for a moment. i am constantly having people tell me that i dont have it that bad because i have moments, breaks from my depression, but what they dont realize is that it is a battle, a constant battle to fight for those moments and let myself feel okay in those moments.

for anyone who has felt this way and been this alone and down and then gotten out of it and fought and clawed your way out...you can empathize with it and hopefully not take the hurtful things to heart...realizing that it obviously isnt YOU that this person is talking about, it is the misery and pain talking, and dont let those words effect you in a bad way, brush them off and move on with your recovery.