Bipolars Only Online Support Group

Hey everyone,

I have a question...

When I was first diagnosed they said recurrent depression and anxiety, then a tentative bipolar II, then a smack-bang positive bipolar I. I feel like I've only got madder!

Anyway, earlier on when the illness 'emerged,' I still had my normal self a lot of the time. like I had 'normal' state where I was always really happy. not manic, just my normal self was really bright, passionate and optimistic. So...

I haven't seen that person for a couple of years. I've forgotten who she is. Now, even when I'm "stable", I'm sad. Like, all of the time. I never feel truly happy, and all I do is pray for some peace inside my head. But I don't even know if I'm depressed, like I'm not catatonic or anything, I'm still doing stuff, I'm just generally dull, disinterested and sad. I can't summon enthusiasm about anything, my friends, my family... nothing. ...I"m wondering if this is actually 'me' now, I've just turned into a permanently sad person.

Like has knowing sadness in such depth, and so repetitively, permanently tainted me with this shadow that now just lives inside me forever, like melded with my bones?

Has this happened to anyone? That they actually lost themselves to an inherent sadness that stopped going away? I'm trying to figure out how I can deal with leading a life for the next god knows how many years, where I never stop hurting, ever.

I think I know what you are talking about. About 5 years ago I felt pretty normal for the most part with episodes here and there. It seems that the past 5 years have been the worst. Even when I feel stable, I still don't have the zest for life I once used to. My p/doc and t/doc and I are trying to work on putting a positive spin on this when it happens. Being mindful of the moment has helped as well as the meds, but I am still disinterested in the things I used to like a lot and am often sad. I really hope I can find myself some day and tell myself to give it time. I also try not to beat myself up about it as well. Hope this helps.

Thank you so much Chris. One of my friends (also bipolar) said "you have forgotten how to be happy", and I'm afraid that this is true! I don't think I can ever truly forget the sadness anymore, its become sort of inescapable, like my permanent reality. It seems like you are experiencing a similar thing!

I'm only 22, and just looking ahead into the years and all the "stuff", work, marriage, kids... oh my god am I really going to have to go through all that feeling like this? Like battling with myself in my head every single day? I know that's negative thinking, and I should take one day at a time. But gosh it does seem really overwhelming sometimes.

hey all. glad this site is here. I have not yet been medically diagnosed with bipolar yet but I'm getting evaluated & I know I probably am. I fit all the criteria. I totally identify with your posts. I just needed support right now I guess.

I've been this way since I was little. I'm 47 and a Christian, life's been hard but also blessed.

tonight I'm just feeling sorry for myself I guess. I'm just trying, trying, trying, SO hard right now, -to live right, mature in faith & deeds, pray more, closer to god, getting support from my sisters & seeing a psych, trying to word hard, live good, make good use of each day, forgive others & myself, etc.

it's just so frustrating sometimes no matter how hard I try & I think I'm doing better with my goals in life, more than I've ever been,- I just get so tired of these extreme highs & lows. it's exhausting & I can't stand it anymore. I'm not on any meds for bd. I wonder if that would help. I don't feel this is a spiritual problem, all the praying & all the peace & strength I get from my faith, & knowing I'm really 'on the right track' in my life now, but with all that i still suffer from extreme mood swings & it's just so frustrating. I try to keep my mind on whatgod says, do right, if I mess up I just ask forgivenesss & forgive myself (that's huge for me), but no matter how many blessings come my way I'll be happy & thankful for a while, then for no reason at all, dive straight down into depression or anger, or hopelessness, or being real afraid & I don't even know what I'm angry about or afraid of. I seriously think that the Bo moods have little or none connection with what's going on in my life. I'm convinced it's simply a chemical thing I've always been like this, & when I'm in the horrible moods, no amount of praying or talking to someone or Anything I do, -stops it. it will just change up & down randomly unrelated to circumstances. I can be extremely at peace in the most horrible of circumstances, -I can also be extremely sad and hopeless or feel deeply afraid & don't even know why.

thanks, it helps to write it out. it's good to know I'm not the only one with this. -credwi

I go thru these feelings everyday and it is so hard to get thru everyday. Somedays i think it would be so much easier if i just gave up and just stopped trying but then i think about all the people i would hurt and i live on for them. I have to pretend like im happy just to make it thru the day bc if i walked around looking like i actually felt everybody would be asking what is wrong with you and im afraid i wont have anything to tell them bc i dont think words can't describe what we go thru and i also feel people really dont want to actually know

Just wanted to say that I hope this is just a mini episode fluke for you and it passes and you can return to living a more viable life. (((Hugs)))

hopkike I totally know what you mean about having to act to get through the day. my close friends etc say "you don't have to act in front of me." um, yes I do. If I acted like I felt I'd be on the floor in a bawl howling hysterically lol!!

*ball. hehe. thanks MsAspiring, me too I'm hoping to get out of this mindset!