Bipolars Only Online Support Group

I wish I knew what to do… I hate taking my meds… I feel nothing… life becomes flat lined… things grind along, with minutes turning into hours, hours into days, days into weeks and weeks into months…

I’m able to function efficiently and fit into the nice little square box that society tells me I belong in… Never stepping out of line, never making waves, conforming to what I should in order to get through the day… just to go to bed, wake up the next day, then rinse and repeat…

I have pills that tell me when to get up, pills to tell me when to sleep, pills that tell me how to feel and pills that stop me from feeling.

Off or the meds I am creative, I play music, I sketch, I write songs and poems. I am able to see beauty in things that others don’t, I am able to enjoy things in a way “normal” people couldn’t even grasp, my brain functions on a higher level, I feel smarter.

but I also have the “downs” to deal with… thoughts of self harm and harming others, abandonment issues, loss of appetite, loss of self worth, insomnia, being somewhat agoraphobic, hearing and smelling things I know aren’t there… and on rare occasion… seeing things too.

so do I take my meds and “coast” through life… or do I not take my meds and take the good and the bad together…

Which is the “lesser of two evils…?”

I'm sorry your going through that with your meds! Maybe you need an adjustment. I don't feel that way on my meds, of course I'm still going through adjustments on them myself, but I've not let them keep me on meds that make me feel like that. Once I start feeling that way I demand a change. Maybe do some research on the types of and therapies available. I really hope you figure something out with them and not have to feel limited!

I understand your concerns and have them myself to a lesser degree. I find myself wanting to induce a little mania and your right about the nice little square box. If we stay depressed the world is OK with that, have drive, ambition, focus, a fire for life, man society want to put you in check (how dare you).

Work with your doctor and try and balance out so you have some of your gifts to use. Personally I haven't write a thing in months, or worked on any of my ideas.

Best wishes.

Damn...I felt that post to my core... my coctail doesn't suck all of that out of me -THANK GOD! I think there a balance that can be reached- I'd talk to your doctor about how you are feeling- those feelings could throw ya into a depressive headspin- in my opinion. My creativity is a bit dulled- I used to write poetry a heck of a lot more- but when I do get inspired or attempt to produce something- I still got it! I miss experiencing life in the ways in which others' brains will not allow- but I am blessed with enough hypomania to sustain that for the most part (again... just less often)- I don't want them to fully tame my brain- they have tried and I was quick to quit that crap and have them switch me to something else. The downs are too horrible to experience all the time--- I do the hallucination gig when I get "sick" too... kind of used to it and play along by now- but it can get scary too- and the suicidal ideation-----NO THANKS... I lose control- it's like something inside me is "winning" (sorry- couldn't resist that Charlie Sheen plug)- and I no longer get to play a role in my destiny- so by letting the meds have some control... in a way... makes me in control- you know? I'm so sorry you are stuggling right now- it's such a challenge and there are so many obsticles to overcome in the damn illness- I know... but we are here to support you, maybe check into a local support group (NAMI- national alliance on mental illness and DBSA Depression bipolar support alliance) are good places to check out for those... best wishes to you and I'm wishing you some joy and peace with this reality... AND some damn creativity and "fun brain" stuff!!!

I'm sick of being like this... I just want to be... I dont know what I want to be...

no matter what meds I take I feel like I'm not in control. but off the meds... I'm out of control...

I just want this to end...

I wish I knew the words to say to tell you it will be okay and hang in there- words don't really do it in this situation... I would just really encourage you to share your feelings with your doc. Or therapist- and if u don't have a therapist- id get one- your feelings are deep and painful and hopeless- we can only be of basic support you here- and by all means keep posting how you feel!!! (except for suicidal thoughts- against basic policy here- FYI). I sure hope you find a balance somehow. And that you allow some light to enter in and find some acceptance.

I am sorry you are having these problems relating to meds. I feel the same way on them; I just observe life through a window. Like folks on these posts say, you probably need an adjustment. Please talk to your p/doc about the feelings that you have and what the meds are doing to you. I had a similar experience with a drug named Cogentin. I couldn't do anything on it. I couldn't talk right, walk right, and think straight. Called my p/doc and he replaced it with something else. Let us know and please keep posting.

Post edited by: Enigma1969, at: 02/14/2012 04:25 AM