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Nikkie Posts: 29
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My boyfriend, soon to be fiance, tries to hard to be supportive to me. But sometimes I just can't or don't want to explain myself. Like today, I've been stuggling, bad, and I broke down crying at a get-together with some friends. He and I left and I couldn't explain to him why it happend, just wanted to be alone. He said he wants to know me better and how to help me more....and I believe him, but why don't I want to talk then? Other times I want him there and he is not able to be. I know there are people who want to help me, but when I get this far down, I don't want to be helped, by those who know me at least. Why? Anyone else like this? I only know what my own experiences have taken me through....I post from my heart.
Diagnosed bipolar and borderline personality disorder.
Meds tried: over 35 and counting.
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TexasYankee Posts: 4286
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I have a hard time explaining to someone else what is going on with me. They get frustrated and I clam up. I absolutely hate "flaking" out around other people, whether I know them or not. I don't really have anyone in my fleshy world other than my family at home. When I get real quiet though, my husband has a tendency to think that I am mad at him. Nope, just not alot to say. I don't talk very well unless he asks me questions. (I type a lot though) Getting me to talk sometimes is worse than pulling teeth. If you need time for yourself, take it. Explain to your boyfriend that it isn't him but rather the disorder trying to take over again. The nice part is that it too shall pass. I hope you are able to come out of yourself a bit and accept the help that they so much want to give you. It is difficult but possible. Blessings, strength and courage to all.
Angela
~"Faith makes things possible.....not easy!"
~ "How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively. " You have to want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."- Trina Paulus, Hope for the Flowers
~Have faith. Without faith there is no hope. Without hope there is nothing.
Although I may be knowledgeable, I am not a doctor, therapist or any other professional in this area. My experiences and opinion are just that. Hopefully others can relate though. :) |
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dugg Posts: 247
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it sounds like you have a wonderful partner, and it's great that you recognize these issues and want to address them... i think the best way forward is honesty, and good communication - over the years, my muse and i (she is also bipolar) developed what turned into "codes" for situations like the ones you've described...just a few words that would address the key issues... like in the first case, something would make it clear that (a) i just want to be alone and (b) thanks for caring enough to ask and (c)you didn't do anything wrong, my love. or in the second, (a) i felt awful and (b) i was really missing you and (c) i know you can't always 'be there' for me when it's like that - but it sure makes me appreciate the times when you can. good luck! Bipolar 2 with a shot of Aspergers and a touch of Agoraphobia/Citalopram, Lithium and Dextroampheta Sulfate, Caffeine, etc...
if what i say makes sense to you, you might want to bear in mind that i'm mentally ill.
http://bipolar-planet.blogspot.com/ |
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Nikkie Posts: 29
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It's nice to know I'm not alone on this. but then again, I am. I think I will always feel as though no one knows. Maybe cause I don't let anyone know? Right now I'm having to decide if I want to be put in-patient or not. I have three hours till I have to give an answer......and I don't want anyone to know. WHY? If they love me, they will be there for me, right? Anyways, thanks for your support!! I only know what my own experiences have taken me through....I post from my heart.
Diagnosed bipolar and borderline personality disorder.
Meds tried: over 35 and counting. |
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Analogdog Posts: 502
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I know this one very well. Some times I am just pissed. After a walk, some alone time, or a bath then I am capable of talking about it. What really stinks is that children can get in the way for this process. I also wanted to say that mixed in with BP issues can be Family of origin issues, boy do I know about these. As to entering in-patient, do it if you really need to. 3 weeks cost my insurance $50,000 or $17,000 a week. It seems a retreat center would be less spendy if you are stable. If not, I would go in-patient. Or maybe you just need to negotiate more space for yourself. Rob
Sober alcoholic, Friend of Bill
PreDX BP NOS hypomanic all of the time. Probably since the late 1960's.
PostDX hypomania under control.
Childhood Emotional Abuse Survivor
600 mg lithium
300 mg lamotrigine
3100 mg Fish Oil, 1300mg Omega-3 Fatty acids
I am not a doctor nor do I play one on TV. My advice is purely my opinion which should be regarded as such. Taking me seriously can be injurious to your health. |
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barelymanic Posts: 3229
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Heck, sometimes I just can't describe what is happening to me. Like last night I almost fell over when I went outside to smoke a cig. getting back into the house and into bed was difficult and scary. I felt like collapsing and my head felt strange, I just don't know how to described it or what was going on. We can't always explain things because this is a chemical process for many of us. Yes your brain is full of chemical receptors and chemicals floating around looking for those receptors. I really don't notice any triggers except stress. Having to spend money on doctor visits, right now I am looking at the possibility of being flat broke soon. I have created a budget based on recording every penny I have spent over the past 3 months. I am thinking I have got to give up the cigarettes so i can afford some dental care (I have periodontal disease). Concerns about money and dealing with a job seem to really trigger me when I think about it. Low wages plus the high cost of gas and repairing a car and medical expenses just drove me crazy. I was hoping that I could push my brain into psychosis so I wouldn't have to deal with all this, but that didn't happen. My main leadership role is to listen, encourage, and keep the peace....It isn't to give medical or legal advice...Please note...I am not a Doctor...nor an expert...I am here for the same reason all of you are...to receive and give encouragement.
My religion is kindness - The Dalai Lama
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love. Carl Sagan |
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