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06/26/2011 07:29 PM

SO this is what comes with clarity

Reality79
Reality79  
Posts: 18
Member

My mind has slowed down, and the thoughts no longer run together. But the one's that are starting to stand up front are.... don't know the word that I am looking yet. So entertain me and allow me to play a game of what if's.

What if I don't like the person I am when things are clear ?

What if it feels like everyone is running my life but me ?

Why does it feel like the older I get, the younger I get treated ?

That I am living a life that is not my own, and if I continue I will be a old woman full of regrets ?

Why do I feel like I am playing out everyone else's solutions, instead of facing the truth ?

Why is it that mania allows me to live in a bubble, that makes it ok to follow everyone's else's advice ?

So this is what comes with clarity.

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06/26/2011 07:38 PM
Reality79
Reality79  
Posts: 18
Member

No wonder I'm so confused, lol
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06/26/2011 07:49 PM
Sparkerama

What if I don't like the person I am when things are clear ?

>You are comparing yourself to someone who is not clear, so it seems like a harsh judgment. Give yourself a chance. Alcoholics have to learn to live sober. Bipolar people have to get out of the ghetto of irrationality and come to terms with the real world. Fear of doing so holds many of them in sickness.

What if it feels like everyone is running my life but me ?

> Perhaps because you're paranoid, or perhaps because they are. Why not start running your own life, remaining fully conscious that a symptom of your illness is a lack of trust in those closest to you.

Why does it feel like the older I get, the younger I get treated ?

The most likely answer would be that your illness is worsening with age, but I don't know you, so I cannot say for sure. All the more reason to get fixed.

That I am living a life that is not my own, and if I continue I will be a old woman full of regrets ?

Do you mean bipolar, or treated? Because if you mean treated then you need attention to your treatment methods because they are falling short.

Why do I feel like I am playing out everyone else's solutions, instead of facing the truth ?

> You don't state what the truth is, so this is impossible to answer.

Why is it that mania allows me to live in a bubble, that makes it ok to follow everyone's else's advice ?

>Settling for treatment that falls short of mania control will do this. Why not advocate for a treatment regimen that controls your mania so that your relationships with others don't have so much tension?

I like your question, and wish you only the best, but your post is laced with many of the symptoms of bipolar that get too little discussion. Self-pity, self-responsibility, aggressive self-advocacy in treatment, mixed feelings about wellness... I call it the bipolar quagmire and I am quite pleased to have extracted myself. Now and then, I throw a rope and someone else starts climbing, but most people are stuck and are afraid to admit it. They say a lot of things that overlap with what you've written. They share your confusion on fundamental issues. That can be OK--I was confused for a long time myself. But most people who get better do it through hard work and they don't hang out here. They go about enjoying their lives. I, for some reason, feel compelled to help a few souls before I tire of it and move on.

The sick person has great difficulty seeing how the well man got well. But the well man can see very accurately why the sick person is still sick.

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06/26/2011 08:01 PM
Reality79
Reality79  
Posts: 18
Member

Then it really does become a matter of distinguishing clarity and mania. A real dual state. You've given me a lot to think about.
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06/26/2011 08:12 PM
Sparkerama

I don't believe there is clarity in mania, and that careful research will generally reveal a lot of damage.

I myself don't see it as a choice between mania and clarity, but rather mania and reality. The reason is that clarity is often an illusion of mania, but reality isn't.

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06/27/2011 03:45 AM
TexasYankee
TexasYankee  
Posts: 4290
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Oh, goodness, how often I have asked myself these sorts of questions. Some of them I know the answer to and it has nothing to do with mania or bipolar, for that matter. Some I can only speculate.

Self-advocacy is a very important one to me right now. My pdoc does NOT listen to me and won't work with me. I have no choice but to keep this one. I was assigned so it isn't my choice. So, what if you have a crappy pdoc that doesn't seem to give a shit about anything other than drug testing you? Change pdocs? Can't. No insurance. Oh well, we deal the best we can. My point is that it isn't always our fault that we are not feeling better.

Sounds like you just want a little bit of freedom from this damn disorder. Oh, how we all do.

Keep sharing your "what if's" and "why's". It really is good food for thought. I think we ALL have these questions at some point.

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07/15/2011 07:58 PM
capecod84
capecod84  
Posts: 1820
Senior Member



Post edited by: capecod84, at: 07/16/2011 07:12 AM
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07/15/2011 11:06 PM
Edyn
Edyn  
Posts: 1104
Senior Member

I think you may have misread the posts. The woman comment was from the previous post. I do sometimes miss sparky's insite on topics. The whole thing disturbs me.
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07/16/2011 08:18 AM
capecod84
capecod84  
Posts: 1820
Senior Member

I definitly misread and deleted my post, sorry about that. Don't know where my head was. Truly sorry.
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07/16/2011 08:28 AM
JohninTN
Posts: 49
Member

Spark, I'm not sure what you are saying. Are you stating that I choose to "hang out in this quagmire"? Are saying that my problems with bipolar symptoms exist simply because I am not working hard enough?

Oh, and thanks bunches for taking a little time to help confused souls like me. If I don't grab the rope quickly enough to suit you, feel free to move on and offer your "help" to someone else.

I understand that you have great insight. But you don't know a damn thing about me.

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