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04/01/2010 09:30 PM

Depression

Wild6925
Wild6925  
Posts: 31
Member

I can physically feel the Darkness sliding over my eyes... and I don't have anymore Wellbutrin. At least I got to feel good for a few more days, I guess.

I wish I could scream back at the weak little whispers that keep slithering from some black corners of my mind. It's all I can do to stop myself from curling up on the floor of my shitty shower.

God; I really, really hate this crap. I mean, I am trying everything that I can think of to get rid of it; but the thing just keeps coming back, each time wrapping tighter around my skull.

This pain hurts so much, and I really hate that all I have is myself. I keep trying to find something in conversation with the only real people I even have in my life; but how do you communicate with someone who does not even know who you are? It's all so goddamn comical that I find myself alone.

I detach myself from the world of others because it has always been the simplest solution in dealing with people. Why bother trying anything real when you know what people want to see? I have experienced exactly TWO instances in my waking life that the occasion to be my true self actually yielded some benefit.

It's not like I haven't tried! Every single time I have tried to slip out from behind the dumbed-down masks I create for the sensibilities of other people; it always, always ends in the same freaking results.

I am just really tired of my stupid whining voice. I hate everything about the loathsome creature. I need someone to kick the crap out of me, and force the weak inabilities of my mind back into their place. Why can't I do this myself? I just don't understand why I am not strong enough to kill these weaknesses.

Frustration is just pouring out my eye-sockets. The only coping mechanism I have for dealing with myself when I am like this, is to try and hide. But how do you hide from your own mind? I have turned to fantasy in the past - such ridiculous tools as video games and the like; but I end up making a fool of myself for playing childish games.

I really am at a loss for how to stop from being so goddamn alone. Maybe something will happen with all my vane efforts; and I might magically find another real person to at least talk too. It doesn't matter though, truly.

Whatever, I will just write myself too sleep tonight in hopes that this pain will be better tomorrow; because I really need to run.

Apologies and whatnot for this in advance. I don't know what else to do, aside from being stupidly pathetic.

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04/02/2010 05:56 AM
FatherKarras
FatherKarras  
Posts: 3261
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

NOT stupidly pathetic, and it's what we're here for. Get it through your head that this is exactly what we're here for. Tongue

I almost wish this topic could be pinned. That was a very eloquent (hey that's the second time in one day I've been able to use that word) way of putting your feelings. And you know what? You're not alone. Not only do we all share this in common, but you're never fully alone while you have us.

Your so called "pathetic attempts" to hide aren't pathetic. It's called "coping mechanisms" and we all have them. World of Warcraft was mine in the final months of my relationship with my wife. Hers was increased nagging, but that's another story.

And even when you're in the darkness and can't see, we (or at least I) am right there with you. I've lived so much of my life in that darkness that it's more than just my home away from home. My house was my home away from home.

No regrets, man. It's who we are. It doesn't define us, but it is an intregal part of us.

And you know what? It facilitates a unique creativeness, and I believe you said before, allows us to see deeper than mere mortals.

Continue to write and post, and we'll continue to walk with you, though the good times and bad.


04/02/2010 06:22 AM
Dit
Dit  
Posts: 13722
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I'm an Advocate

Hey...as Patrick just posted, you are definately not alone. I too have those similar dark times, i mostly isolate myself in my bed in my room and try to "shut off the world". I've often become very numb b/c i do not want to deal with any more negative emotions. Thankfully with my meds these "lows" do not last long, maybe 1 to 2 days or so. When it comes time to go to bed for the night, i deliberatly say "tomorrow is another day"...i usually wake up feeling better.

I admire how much in tune you are with yourself, the way you describe so well your feelings, thats a real bonus living with bipolar and will definately help in your healing process.

Glad you are posting...keep posting b/c we are here and understand so very well.


04/02/2010 08:45 AM
Wild6925
Wild6925  
Posts: 31
Member

Thanks for the responses. The current time is 11:30 a.m., and I just woke up.

Before I smoke a strong cigar and take a bunch of sleep aids; I thought I should address the notion that I am not too terribly sure it is a good idea to post or write in a public venue when I get like this.

I wrote a few reasons for this in my silly journal entries; so I do not think there is an immediate need to retread over worn ground.

Anyways, night folks. Have a good Friday/weekend.


04/02/2010 02:26 PM
Lrose35
Lrose35  
Posts: 1732
Senior Member

at 1130am you are going to take a bunch of sleep aids? That I must say concerns me. I know the darkness of the depression all to well myself but life for me has never been that dark. I hope you keep posting because we love to read what you write. You do write eloquently and it is a breath of fresh air to have around.

04/02/2010 02:32 PM
FatherKarras
FatherKarras  
Posts: 3261
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

I took it as maybe he stays up all night and sleeps in the day? Maybe?

04/02/2010 06:12 PM
Wild6925
Wild6925  
Posts: 31
Member

Yeah... so that last post came off overly dramatic. What I meant by,"a bunch of sleeping aids" was along the lines of three Tylenol 'sleep-right' pills and my daily dose of Seruquel. Heh, apologies.

Sleeping till I can actually see crap is just something that I have formed a habit of doing. It is not a great way to go about things, what with throwing off your circadian rhythm and all; but at least I am not moaning and groaning and all that jazz.

So... apologies again if I scared anyone.

Post edited by: Wild6925, at: 04/03/2010 04:53 PM


04/04/2010 06:53 AM
Lrose35
Lrose35  
Posts: 1732
Senior Member

I am glad you are ok. I was a bit worried there!

04/04/2010 07:21 AM
FatherKarras
FatherKarras  
Posts: 3261
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

See that's funny, cuz I didn't take it that way at all. Guess it was a wavelength thing, cuz I understand about the sleeping problems.

04/05/2010 12:47 PM
Wild6925
Wild6925  
Posts: 31
Member

Well, If left to my own inclinations; I would actually sleep as long as I am able to, every single day.

Kinda sucks though when you wake up at 3 in the morning and you find yourself pacing around the apartment till the sun comes up so you can get up and run.

I try as hard as I am able to live my life by disciple, and the strength of my convictions. So, this being how I choose to go about the business of life; I force myself to try to keep a normal sleep schedule so that I can achieve the short terms goals of my day-to-day.

Really, really need to get some meds that work though. Tired of constantly tripping over myself every time I do something productive.

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