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06/03/2012 04:10 PM

wife cheated and caught many times with many men

mem6465

I originally posted this in the Sex Addiction Forums. Probably more appropriate here, so....

My wife and I have been married ten years and I thought we had a great marriage, with no chance of unfaithfulness on either side, until about one year ago, when we suddenly entered a nightmare of off-the-chart strange behavior that seems like it will never end.

She started cheating on me with numerous men numerous times and I don't know if I can ever trust that she has finally, really stopped for good this time. I have learned that sex addiction (I think my wife's problem is actually a compulsion, rather than addiction) is not uncommon among those with bi-polar disorder. But, I don't think I've ever read about a case as extreme as my wife's, with the possible exception of a few stories from women whose husbands were secretly having many homosexual encounters.

I would like to someday talk with men who've experienced something close to the extreme stresses I'm experiencing, to find out how they cope.

Here's the story....

Our marriage was going normally. No major problems.

Then, one day, out of nowhere, my wife says we need to split up so she can date younger people. I'm about 40 and she's about 8 years younger. We got married right after she graduated from college at about 22. I tried to stay calm and eventually talked her out of leaving me to date other people. We do have two young children to consider also.

Soon after that, she started staying out very late with her new friends from her new job, while I was stuck at home taking care of our two young children. One evening at home, she said she felt sick and needed to run to the drug store to get antacid. She was gone two hours before my real panic set in. She wasn't answering her phone. I thought she wrecked her car. So, I checked her e-mail, looking for phone numbers of her friends, so I could call them, since she wasn't answering her phone (I figured she lied just to go out without me). I was shocked to see that her most recent e-mail was an erotic, nude photo of herself, sent to a male co-worker that evening, asking him to show it to some of his friends.

I confronted her as soon as she came home. She made up a story to dilute the horror of what I had found -- claiming she only wanted to kiss a female friend of that guy, and this was part of her plan to get him to arrange that. I mostly believed her, because it was bad enough and anything worse seem so insane as to not be possible. Even so, almost ended the marriage that night, but eventually decided to stay because I knew her bi-polar disorder had to be the root cause, and I thought I could guide her to the help she needed. (Of course, I would later learn she was having sex with guys that night, not merely a little kiss to experiment with another woman. I think it was basically an orgy.)

Shortly after that, I was again left babysitting our children. I sat down at our computer and saw several erotic, nude photos of her right there in plain view on the screen. She had left them there. She claims to this day that she didn't purposely intend for me to see those. Says she was just so crazed that she forgot to hide them. Another horrible night. We almost divorced again. I again decided we should stay together for the kids. Insisted she get real help, etc., etc.

As the months went by, this happened again and again. She would have sex with strangers she found on Cragislist, with a particular co-worker who first got her started in this lifestyle, with multiple people at once, violent sex, unprotected sex, and on and on. At various points, I got her to make progress. Got her to start seeing a psychologist again for the first time in years. Found one specializing in sex addiction. Got her to see a psychitrist again. Got her to talk more forcefully with the psychiatrist about improving her prescription bipolar treatment. Started marriage counseling. Started seeing my own therapist. Discovered her bipolar prescription was all wrong and was in fact the most likely cause of the sex addiction. Went with her to the psychiatrist, who was virtually incompetent, and eventually got the psych to admit she needed to change the prescription to what I was suggesting, which included lithium.

And yet, the cheating continued.

One time, she called me in a drugged state, while my parents were staying with us, and actually asked me to come pick her up after one of her sex binges with a couple guys she didn't know, who apparently video-recorded it. She had told me she was only going out to get a birthday present for our daughter who was having her birthday party the next day. It only took her about two hours to get from that lie to the post-sex call. She had her vehicle, but claimed she was too stoned to drive. I told her she better drive at least a few blocks, because if I knew the address, I would kill her sex partners right there. She complied and I went and got her. I smashed her cell phone, but at least nobody died.

Again and again I caught her, in part because I have some expertise in computer technology, software, and internet applications. This helped me uncover her tracks, in spite of her continual attempts to get better and better and hiding her behavior. Eventually, on advise of my therapist and others, the regime included GPS monitoring of her movements and keylogger tracking of her computer and phone use, with my wife's consent. This, in fact, was the single biggest help in stopping the horrific sexual behavior, and my wife thanked me for this.

And yet, the cheating still continued. Again and again I confronted her. She admitted guilt. She threatened to leave. I threatened to leave. We decided to keep the family together.

The last two "acting out" deceptions I uncovered were two months ago and three weeks ago, respectively.

Is there any hope she'll ever return to the person she was for the first ten years I knew her? Any hope she'll ever stop deceiving me and cheating on our marriage?

I don't want our children to go through a divorce. And, if we divorce, I'm afraid it'll be impossible to leave the disgusting city we're living in, without resorting to her having the kids for months at a time. Maybe I could get full custody, given her irrational acts, but there's no guarantee.

Is this common among bi-polar women? Has anyone heard of this pattern before? She never acted like she wanted an unusual amount of sex at home. Still doesn't. Even though she seemed more than thrilled with our sex life in the first years of our relationship. Is she permanently messed up now? Am I all alone?

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06/03/2012 05:59 PM
Bangbang
Bangbang  
Posts: 7412
Group Leader

I am sorry you are going through this and am sad to tell you this probably will not stop. She can not control her sexual impulses any better than you can go through a day without using the toilet. That is my opinion as a former sex addict. There are support groups but I have no idea how succesful they are.

06/03/2012 09:09 PM
lilymu
 
Posts: 62
Member

PLEASE realize this is a symptom of her bipolar. I am your wife. SHE LOVES YOU AND NEEDS YOU.

Keep trying all therapists and doctors until you get a right combo for your wife. Controlling the mania WILL subdue the hypersexuality. But it will take time.

I am the bipolar hypersexual cheating wife. But I love my husband fiercely. Mania does not really care what your "morals" are.

My hubby has had the most success with loose restrictions. But i've still failed. And he's forgiven. A measure of "head in the sand" helps too.

The more kindness and understanding I am shown, the more compliance I am able to give in return.

I was diagnosed in 2008, and can only claim 2012 as being monogamous. But I never stopped loving or needing my husband.


06/04/2012 01:57 PM
Bangbang
Bangbang  
Posts: 7412
Group Leader

My wife and I decided to have an open marriage....we both dated. Thats how we dealt with our problem. It worked and then she stopped dating other men because she said I treated her much better than her "dates"...I realized the same. We do not do that anymore.

08/31/2012 08:55 PM
crazyhorse
crazyhorsePosts: 1
Member

Post edited by: crazyhorse, at: 08/31/2012 09:16 PM

Post edited by: crazyhorse, at: 10/14/2012 02:51 PM


09/01/2012 07:23 AM
lken
lken  
Posts: 2828
VIP Member

is it sex we need or is it the need for something else. i think a lot of the sexual need is environmentally conditioned. all our lives we are told sex is good for us and to feel whole it makes us feel if we have sex with someone else it makes our ego feel we are ok. if it is dirty it is against what we are is told is wrong but really do not believe it is true.

all my life i have had the racing mind and if i go out and find something strange it with make we feel better. i guess i am looking for something to make me feel better. do i hate myself. am i against the single relationship deep down?

Post edited by: lken, at: 09/01/2012 07:27 AM


10/29/2012 01:34 PM
Vanhalen128
Posts: 3
New Member

I'm sorry to say that I too am victim to the horible disorder in much the same way. I thought was actually reading my story. It really sucks. The things my wife had done. My story is very long and involved, much as yours. Although we are now headed in the right direction. She has promised me she will never do it again, and i honestly believe her. She was undiagnosed until I was areested for a bullshit story she told police. It hasn't been easy, but we are trying. Support groups, and counseling is working for us. best of luck man. It will only get better if she truly wants it to.

10/30/2012 08:25 PM
lilymu
 
Posts: 62
Member

Vanhalen, thank you for being an understanding husband. Please know, due to her illness, she may not be able to keep those promises. Keep trying, and you are a good man for not abandoning her. No matter her actions, she loves you.

11/01/2012 01:27 PM
Vanhalen128
Posts: 3
New Member

Yes I completely understand that. I do trust her. We have been going to group meetings, individual counceling and marriage. We hve been working at this very had and things look good. I'm keeping the faith. I only hope things work out and we can keep the disorder at bay by working together, love, and understanding. This was the most difficult decision I had ever made. The easy thing would have been to walk away. I choose the hard one, cuz I think she is worth it. If it were not for her willingness to comly with meds, support, and honesty, I would not be trying. But I also have to be aware of my own mental health. I know if I get messed up in my own head over this, I will have to make a very difficult decision. I know I have to look out for myself as well. This is something I learned from NAMI family to family, and also reading everything I can get my hands on about Bipolar. Thanks for your concern

11/01/2012 06:30 PM
VioletStorm
VioletStorm  
Posts: 116
Member

I'm also a bipolar woman with fidelity issues. I agree with the others who've posted here. We don't do it because there's something wrong with the relationship; it's like giving in to the thirst for water. My fiance and I have had the "morning after talk" several times, and every time he was caring and forgave me... so far I've been keeping my hands to myself for a long time again, but sometimes it's so hard. And I don't know what the future will bring. It's not just the sex. For me, at least, it's the feeling of being alive that pulls me in every time.
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