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09/16/2011 02:57 AM

Hypersexuality and Selectiveness

lollipop
lollipop  
Posts: 4281
VIP Member

Hi everyone. Lollipop here. Most of you know I don't have bipolar but I seek to understand every action my husband experiences during his episodes. He has BP 1 and catatonia, experiencing depression far more often than mania, but the mania is very hard on him when it occurs.

My husband fell into a cybersex/telephone affair last year during the worst mania he's ever experienced. He met up with the woman and stopped just short of physical sex. (I know this to be true because, in addition to my husband's account of his affair, the woman he was involved with contacted me several months later, upset about several things, and gave me the run down on their tryst, complaining about how she couldn't understand why he was "hot" for her one minute and "zero" the next. I would have been embarrassed to contact the wife and tell her I was ditched on the big date, but hey...to each his own.)

He doesn't know why he stepped outside our marriage. It was true that he fell into this mother-lode of all manias after his favorite uncle died and he had quit 5 1/2 years of anti-depressants cold turkey without mine or the doctor's knowledge. Of course, alot of things happened during this time, but the hypersexuality, the sexual acting out with another woman, etc. is the part that has hurt me the most and plagued him with guilt ever since. He amazingly had never stepped outside the bounds of marriage prior to last year (been together for nearly 30 years) but last year he was like on overdrive and I couldn't get him to stop doing the things he was doing...much less this situation.

My husband knew her from his college days and they had sex waaaaaay back then and had only been talking for a few weeks on facebook when they fell headlong into this stuff. After my discovery of everything, my husband and I constructed a timeline and from the first time he saw this woman to him calling her and telling her he was sorry and that it was all a mistake, etc. was from Jan 27 through Feb 12. 16 days. And the cybersex stuff didn't start until around Jan 31 and ended Feb 10. 11 days. He said when he was coming out from the mania, he was confused and upset, didn't even know why he was traveling for the tryst at that point. He said he didn't want to go, but found himself going anyway because they had "planned" to meet and have sex. He pulled off on the road on the way to meet her and took a nap for nearly 1 hour. He called me on the way to meet her. (Of course I didn't know where he was or what he was up to...or I would have burned a hole in the highway getting there..Tongue) Anyway, my husband doesn't know or understand the how, the why, they who, the anything. He had sex with this woman alot in college, they dated somewhat exclusively for a short while, but he said he had never loved her back then and did't even care about her last year either. He said she was an easy lay in college and that he wasn't true to her back then either...when she was gone he had sex with someone else.

He doesn't know why he selected her to go forward in this affair. He said he never missed her or even thought about her. Like I said, by the time he met up with her that day he told her no. He said he can't even remember alot of that day except, that he didn't want her to touch on him, but he felt sorry for her W00t and so he held hands with her, kissed her a couple of times and that he was trying to nicely distance himself from her but she rubbed on his arms and kept asking him, "Are you sure?" blah blah blah. He said he couldn't wait to get out of there and get back home. Two days later all hell broke loose at our house when I found out about everything. He called her, told her no more contact, etc. But she kept contacting him every now and then for 4 1/2 month or so longer. He wouldn't tell me about it, because I hadn't known about the physical meetings he had with her...only the phone sex,etc. Anyway, she threw him under the bus when she got angry finally and told me everything. He says he hadn't told me about her continued contact because he didn't want there to be any more trouble where I would possibly find out about the meetings, etc. He says she is a very selfish person to deliberately have wanted to make sure I knew everything. She did contact me first. She did send an initial email to me about a conversation he had with her during the affair. She told me to ask her anything I wanted because "there was just so much". I asked for the other emails and she sent me 21 emails. It hurt, but I was able to see where he was in psychosis as he was talking about wanting to be like John Wayne in the Commancheros, etc. and some other odd things.

After much discussion, my husband doesn't know why he chose to act out with her. He said if she had meant anything to him he wouldn't have waited 30 years to contact her. He didn't even have to marry me waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back when, he could've kept pursuing the relationship with her. I even told him he could pursue the relationship last year and we would be "done". He cried and said no he didn't want to. That he loved me. He said he just couldn't explain any of it and he just wanted her to "go away" after it was all said and done. But she wouldn't fade out. He felt sorry for her. She was saying she may need counseling to get over things (WHAT?? Remember the short timeline???) Guilt, heaped on him. Frustration. Pain. Hurt. He said he didn't even know her. Thirty years is a lifetime of other experiences and they were strangers, really. He was talking and flirting with several women back then, has had women come on to him in the past, but he doesn't know "why" he didn't care who would "do it" with him last year. He was open to whomever. No selectiveness really. No planning. No plans for continuing. No desire to ever hear from her again. He said truthfully, it was like he knew things were wrong at the moment, but he couldn't really control what he was doing, at the time. And he had no thoughts of what could happen, or what would happen if things got out of hand (which they did). He said truthfully, it could have been anybody at that point because he was feeling that hypersexual at that time. He felt self-absorbed and there was no particularly selective thought process involved with who, where, when, or anything.

When you have been at your absolute highest state of hypersexuality, are you able to be selective or moved along at that moment with whoever is "there", wherever, and whenever? Or do you experience more ability to control your situations and have more decision making power during a full mania?

Post edited by: lollipop, at: 09/16/2011 11:01 AM

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09/17/2011 09:09 PM
Chainer
Chainer  
Posts: 203
Member

I have been in a... Situation recently that goes against my better moral judgement, and while i know that what im doing is wrong, and what im doing sickens me when i think about it, i find myself still doing it. Even knowing that a lot of people can and will get hurt and it could destroy an otherwise very close family...

I tell myself, this is the last time, and it never is. Its like an addiction, and while im actually doing what im doing i dont think about the repocutions of my actions, its only later that it hits me, its kinda like impulse buying, you buy something, everything is great, then half a day later you think.... Crap i shouldnt have done that but its too late.

I guess what im saying is i become a slave to my hypersexuality. Its like im in the passanger seat and its got the steering wheel. And its going to cause a lot of problems.


09/18/2011 12:29 PM
lollipop
lollipop  
Posts: 4281
VIP Member

Chainer, let me encourage you to stop now. I think it shows a very deep strength for you to admit you realize you are wrong when involved in this sort of situation that has a close family hanging in the balance. You must take care of yourself, sweet friend, and love yourself enough right now to make a decision "today" that you will be able to respect "tommorrow". You can do it. Thank you for sharing with me your thoughts and your situation you are involved in and how your hypersexuality affects you from time to time. I really think my husband was possibly feeling the same way at the moment when he was involved last year....he knew it wasn't right or he wouldn't have hidden things and information from me, but he seemingly was powerless to put on the brakes. Thankfully, he did stop before he totally destroyed himself and us. Thank you again for your response. It helps those of us who aren't bipolar when we hear how the brain processes the impulses while in mania. I can't tell you how much everyone on these bipolar forums did to help save my marriage last year, by helping "talk me down off the wall" when I was so hurt and wondering what was wrong with me. Everyone has been so patient and so willing to express themselves openly with me to help me understand better what my husband might have been thinking and going through.

I appreciate you all, so much. Love ya'll...Lollipop


09/18/2011 10:33 PM
Chainer
Chainer  
Posts: 203
Member

Thank you for your words of encouragement, Smile

I was a little hesitant to share, hence my... Generalization about sitiation, but i am pleased that i was still able to help you and gleam some sort of light on how hypersexuality may be affecting your husband, i may have some more words of advice on the topic but i will send you a message detailing specifics.

One thing about bipolar is we often seperate the physical from the emotional (at the time) without even thinking about it, which is why a lot of "bipolar relationships" (a term ive come to use when one or both partners is bipolar) end in fidelity issues.

Its like having that big bowl of icecream for sweets, and forgetting youre on a diet.


09/19/2011 03:42 PM
WastedSpace

I've never been outside the bounds of marriage. For me, there is a "stop" somewhere deep inside that just won't let me. I don't want to either. In all of the insanity of hypersexuality I guess there is some sanity. I don't know if that makes any sense.

09/22/2011 02:52 AM
lollipop
lollipop  
Posts: 4281
VIP Member

Thank you WastedSpace. It makes perfect sense to me. I'm very thankful that my hubby's "stop" kicked in before the physical act of sex outside of our marriage. The cybersex/telephone sex stuff was hurtful enough. Not just for me, but himself, as well. In fact, I think he's having a more difficult time dealing with it, than me. When my husband was a young man (we're in our 50's now) he was very sexually promiscuous. He says he now recognizes it as having been some hypersexuality and his drive was unquenchable. He didn't really have any rules about who, where, or when if he was around a situation and able to act on it. He believes his beer drinking and pot smoking while young was an attempt at self-medicating. He was unaware of his diagnosis at that time and didn't feel any guilt for his extreme actions. I think my husband feels so much guilt right now because as an older adult, he realizes the domino effect his actions can have on himself, me, our children, grandchildren, if he steps outside the bounds of our marriage. Some people may not feel this way, at all, but because my husband had controlled himself and only been hypersexual with me Smile for all these years, last year reminded him of a time in his life when he was out of control. I mentioned on here once that he felt almost like he was molested, in his own mind, by his own illness. This sounds odd, but does help explain his guilt feelings. Also, I think (again, just my opinion) when my husband is in mania, as badly as last year, being full-blown, he is so susceptible and open to suggestion from other people. When they are unwholesome and don't have his best interest in mind, he "goes places" he never meant go, doesn't remember alot of what he did, and is horrified when he realizes what he did. Last year scared my husband. I'm so thankful he was coming down from his mania when they finally were going to get together physically and he was able and willing to say "no".

09/25/2011 12:15 AM
Inquisition
Posts: 66
Member

lollipop, I really want to be honest here. You seem to be VERY expressive and that is a good thing. But (there is always a but) when I see your posts, I cringe and see nothing more than a huge wall of text. Think about it...you are asking people that may or may not have the attention span of a gnat to read an entire book about what you are thinking. While I'm positive that what you are expressing is important to you, I can't make myself read the entire post. Maybe a short and to-the-point approach is needed.

Just an observation from a new fresh set of eyes.

~Inq


09/28/2011 01:22 AM
lollipop
lollipop  
Posts: 4281
VIP Member

Wow, I never considered the possibility that there are some people on here that "may or may not have the attention span of a gnat". And I must admit that everything I take time to express on here is very important to me. Smile And inquisition, if you are having difficulty having enough attention span to read through my posts, please take care of yourself and don't even try. I won't get my feelings hurt. I won't even KNOW you aren't reading them unless you take time out of your day to write rude things to me. Thank you for finding me important enough to insult. Somebody else got a break during that time. ~Lolli

09/28/2011 08:04 AM
WastedSpace

No bickering please. Sad

We're here for help and support.


09/28/2011 09:48 AM
cptblack
cptblack  
Posts: 12381
VIP Member

Okay Allen, we need the judges votes on this. I know there were times I posted long old posts, (if not here, elsewhere), and some may have felt I was re-printing War And Peace. But I felt a need to get it out there, to get it 'off my chest' and get fresh views on what was eating me.

And I've read long repetitive monologs that seemed like the dragon (Tongue) chasing his tail and going nowhere but circles.

But I thought the idea of a support group was SUPPORT.

When I type a post in anger, before I hit 'SUBMIT' I get up walk away, clean a few dishes, take care of the dog, something for a few minutes. Then I read the post that set me off and my responce again and edit with a cooler head before submiting.

And then there is The Klonopin Mist that some people deal with, where their memory or attention span IS like that of a knat. A sorry side effect, but it DOES happen.

Post edited by: cptblack, at: 09/28/2011 09:51 AM

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