Bipolars dealing with Alcoholism Group

My wonderful, talented, amazing, loving, caring husband (27 yrs married) is bipolar that binges. He is on medication that actually works, the only problem is when I go out of town he binges. I swear it's like he is having an affair with another women, only that other women is beer. Since his medication works so well, the added alcohol takes him to the crazy instantly and it lasts the whole time I am gone. All those alcoholic traits come screaming at me via text, e-mail and phone calls while I am on a business trip and in business meetings or workshops, and my 17 year old daughter is on site witnessing all this business full force. So frustrating because I get that alcoholism is a disease and I have learned a ton through Alanon, I just struggle because he is perfectly functioning and non-drinking when I am around. I have come to understand that people with bipolar require structure and apparently, in his world, I am the structure, I feel like he is cheating on me, and I don't want to play the role of structure anymore.

I just returned from the last conference and did not go home (my daughter is with me). I love my husband dearly but feel like I am the one standing in the way of his sobriety.

My terms are that he seek marriage counseling for us, and we will decide our next step with a professional.

I have also sought counseling for my dauther and myself.

I am so not in the holiday Christmas spirit.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I clearly understand your issues and your husband's issues. I am sober, but somehow I found a boat load of family of origin issues after being diagnosed earlier this year. And big issues for me surround "does my wife love me", "am I trash for being disabled from work" and so on. These are basic complaints for the child that was not held by their mother, was held to strict rules and paddled if out of line, and was a latchkey kid.

Due to my sobriety, and the clarity that mood stabilizers have brought to me, I don't take this out on my wife. But it boils and churns in my stomach. I go to therapy weekly, but I would prefer daily however we cannot afford it.

I understand your pain, it must be awful. Can you get him to a meeting? A really good choice for the Bipolar person is DRA, meetings are listed at www.draonline.org . I recommend them as people can talk about being mentally ill, or in therapy and not get stigmatized as in AA. That being said, many DRA members go to AA meetings as well.

Thanks so much for your reply it is really helpful. I had no idea they had recovery for DRA. The only problem is the closest meeting is 1 hr. away and during the lunch hour. We live in a rural area of N. Cali. He apparently is doing the AA 30 meetings in 30 days. I really just need a lot of prayer for strength, courage and direction right now for both of us and our family, and would be happy to hear from anyone in my boat.

I will try to refer him to the website, however, any advice/suggestions on his issues should come from his meetings or someone other than me. I will be checking out so I can gain a better understanding.

As stated below my terms are that he sets up marriage counseling, and it has been about 2 weeks and he said he is working on it, and nothing. I am starting to question my terms - hence the prayer.

One day at a time,

A

Hi abjamn,

Welcome to Bipolars dealing with Alcoholism. We are a supportive, encouraging and informative group. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me or any other group leader via personal message (PM).

I am struck by your use of the term "structure" in the following: "I have come to understand that people with bipolar require structure and apparently, in his world, I am the structure...and I don't want to play the role of structure anymore."

I understand you don't want your out-of-town trips to be used as your husband's alibi for drinking anymore. You don't want them to be his excuse for his binges. Your statement is also striking because it suggests or implies that on some level, you perceive yourself as having some kind of control or power over his drinking.

With all due respect, the problem with your terms are that they set up a power struggle between you and your husband's disease. The underlying myth that you are buying into is that you or anyone, including your husband, can control your husband's alcoholism. The first step of AA is: "We are powerless over alcohol - that our live have become unmanageable." Until your husband wants to work the steps and have a spiritual experience, i.e., a miracle, little or nothing can be done for him. I believe the AA meetings that he is attending are the best treatment that is currently available for this dilemma. Encouragement from you to attend and participate will probably yield the best outcome. Please remember he didn't get this sick with alcoholism overnight. Most families have the delusion that once the drinking has ceased, everything will be fine instantly. But there is a long road of re-construction ahead.

I strongly recommend that you go to Al-Anon. I think it would be helpful for your daughter to go, too.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

No disrespect taken. Only appreciated.

I am fully aware this is not going to be fixed when he stops drinking, and I have been to tons of Alanon, NaraNon meetings and still attending - about 27 yrs in. However, the meetings I attend do not address the bipolar/alcoholic, just the alcoholic.

I know I am powerless over the alcoholic. Logically, I am just trying to wrap my head around the binge when I am out of town or absent. I guess I am buying into the fact that my husband can control his binge because he only drinks when I am not around. Weird, huh?

I apologize if I seem defensive, I am just totally frustrated and exhausted.

I must say that i did not think that my drinking was causing ant part of my life as umnagable. I was a high fuctional alcoholic and acheived alot in my life but it did unreparable damage to my heart. Thats what I lost. Id did not lose my wife,cars,house,and raised 5 kids. However I had behavior issues that almost got me killed more than once. My point here is that it is a disease and it is deadly to many of us. My coping skills sucked and I was emotionally a wreck. Then my bipolar symptoms showed its teeth and I was down hil after that. I finally lost my job because of it. I am on disability now and I drank every day for 13 years after losing my job due to my bipolar issues. Well I went to AA I was fighting for my life. I went to 140 meeting in 90 days and soaked up the 12 steps like a spounge. For me AA has saved my life.

Just an update -- I am back home with my daughter and we are ALL in counsseling and my husband is and has commited to AA. I know there are and will be slips here and there from everyone but things are getting a lot better. We are getting the tools to function more productively as a family and stop talking on top of each other for starters. Thanks again for being here. A

Thank you so much for the update. You sound like you are feeling so much better. Not talking over each other is a fantastic start.