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08/01/2009 10:37 PM

Can the Loneliness be any Darker?

dlw
 
Posts: 89
Member

I was going to write about something my wife brought to my attention about how the Power of Suggestion affects people with BP, but I'll save it for another time.

Tonight I need to gab about something a little more personal that I think all bp's encounter. It's the matter of being so alone. My mind will play tricks on me often and always at the most inopportune time. It also betrays me. As many of you already know, I've suffered with this disease for over 40yrs. and still I struggle with the most intense feelings of loneliness. I know my wife cares, hell she's stayed with me for 34yrs.! That ought to be a record for a bp marriage, except maybe Jonathon Winters the comedian of the 60's, he's been married over 50yrs.. All this aside, I still think that only bp's understand bp's. I know my wife has struggled with so many of my ups and downs, but she really has no idea what it has done to me as a person.

We hurt people and mostly the ones close to us. Never on purpose. We just do and regret it afterward. The build up of guilt from this over the years takes such a toll on our minds. My wife has learned to ignore the things she can and deal with what she thinks is important. But no matter how much she feels jilted, she can never feel the pain I have deep inside. If we talk about it, we're selfish. Even if we are aloud to sound off usually our mania or depression does the talking and nothing makes sense. Then we are left with this deep seated feeling of stupidity and loneliness.

This was my main reason for coming to this site. I live in a fairly large city and we have many stress centers that deal with depression and addictions, but none focus on bipolars. There one attempt that I can remember to start up a group for bipolars. It failed miserably. MDJunction has given me the opportunity to exchange with others of like problems. This has not cured me, but it has given me some therapeutic relief.

The loneliness is still present and no amount of caring people can extinguish the pain we feel deep in our gut, nothing seems to extinguish the hallow feelings of despair. I always feel that maybe tomorrow will bring something different. My faith in God and the Bible has kept me together and probably from ending it all. It seems to ease up and then we say or do something that makes perfectly good sense to us and bamm!, we realize that we are talking a different language. Then we try to put the pieces back together and make a bigger mess. What's left is the dreaded lonely feeling of being betrayed not just by our friends and family, but by our own minds! How do you deal with that?!

Over the years I've tried many medications always looking to the horizon for a newer better drug. They don't exist and any good Psychiatrist will tell you that all they are trying to do is make you comfortable. It's just as much a mystery to them as it is to us. We take meds to make us sleep and then ones that keep us from going to high and then ones to offset the side effects of the others. Tell me if you can, does any other disease have this much chaos, with the exception of cancer?

I will always admit that I have an excellent psychiatrist who truly tries to listen to me and prescribe what he feels helps me cope. I take my meds and I try to change my environment to manage stress. I try to understand my triggers and be aware what I can do to keep myself under control. Sometimes I will admit I'm successful, but most of the time I run amuck like someone without any direction or purpose. Then of course people avoid you. We tend to either wear out or run away good people and where does that leave us, deep in the quagmire of our loneliness.

When the doctors don't understand our disease, and the people we love are in a quandary over our actions, that just leaves us with our own messed up ideas of how we feel. If we could put it all together we surely would, but when we look deep inside all we see is the darkness that the loneliness has created.

I didn't write this to be depressing, even though it probably has done just that. No, I'm think this helps us understand that we are special people with special needs. Medications are necessary. Taking as good a care of ourselves physically is necessary. Learning how this disease affects each of us differently is also very necessary. Therefore, we need MDJunction. Where else can we discuss the true feelings we have, especially the loneliness I know we all feel at times.

Will we ever stop being lonely? No, I don't think it's possible to totally erase a feeling that permeates the air we bipolars breath. We can learn coping skills and journal ourselves to death, but in the end we are still a prisoner in our own minds, which at times can be a pit of despair.

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08/03/2009 07:35 AM
serendipity09
serendipity09  
Posts: 73
Member

"We tend to either wear out or run away good people and where does that leave us, deep in the quagmire of our loneliness."

I hear you on that one....

I very much relate to your post. Thanks for writing & putting it out there. I just joined & have a LOT to read, lol, but - I just wanted to say a quick Hello & thanks... Smile


08/24/2009 07:21 AM
Seasons74
Seasons74Posts: 50
Member

I have been struggling with loneliness badly and it comes and goes. It feels like a deep well that I cannot fill when it sneaks up on me. Would love to find coping strategies.

08/24/2009 08:02 AM
SpazyJess
SpazyJess  
Posts: 3456
VIP Member

Seasons that is a tough one at times depending on the situation.

Personally I feel less lonely when I'm spending time with my two cats and a dog, spending time with family, volunteering at a no-kill animal shelter, spending time with friends, working out at the gym, etc. My problem has been trying to get out of the house at times. I've been struggling with depression and tend to want to isolate so I haven't been utilizing all of those coping mechanisms. I think the best way to cure lonliness is to be around people that you get along with. I hope that helps!


08/27/2009 08:18 PM
birdybeans

I was just diagnosed with bipolar II in the spring. I can completely relate to you post. The thing about bipolar is that people around us love us and want the best for us, but we still feel alone. Best of luck to you. I am very glad you wrote that message.

08/28/2009 11:42 AM
reachingout
reachingout  
Posts: 28
Member

Hoestly i feel like WOW that almost took the words outta my heart, thats the whole reason why i joined this group, cus of the awfull feelings of alone in this life of bp.... i think its the worst thing about it all what we do to ourselfs and others and how much we dont mean to but we do and its horible and leaves us feeling alone and broken, this sounds like my hole life after i was diagnosed... But this is helping to know that like wow some one out there knows how i feel, even in the darkest, downest places of life that i really belive only bp people can comprehend

08/28/2009 01:59 PM
jenigood1
jenigood1  
Posts: 3311
Senior Member

I found an organization in my city that provides a social setting with lunch and activities - or you can just talk or just be there. It's for anybody who's mentally ill but you'll find a lot of bipolar people there. We like company, and tend to seek each other out. You might ask around in your area for something similar - try NAMI, or any mental health clinics or behavioral centers around - they should know where to steer you if there's anything like that available in your area. And keep coming here! Smile Smile Smile Smile

09/04/2009 08:00 AM
mem3508

dlw- very true to the last thought! Last night was one of my depressed modes. I tried to stay in touch with myself as much as possible so I could note down the things I felt. Eventually it overtook me and I just couldn't write anymore, didn't care. The meds seem to reduce the duration but not the intensity, here's what I could get down before I simply melted in to my bed. Here goes:

There's no good reason for me to be sad

Nothing has changed

The delusions are setting in

I feel ok, I feel bad, ok, bad, bad, bad

Why does it hurt

Where is the pain coming from

Why is suicide an option

Why do I complain

I feel a huge weight in my chest

It's weighing me down

It's taking too much from me

Volts of energy surge through my body

I'm going down

I hide inside

At the bottom

It is dark, I cannot see

I envision ways to escape

I think I like it down here

It is safe

I hear their thoughts

I don't care if they resent me

I forget to breathe

I'm exhausted

I'm angry

I'm trapped

I cannot get out but others come in

I don't want to share this space

She must hate me

I'm so difficult

I hate myself

What a burden I am

I can't finish anything

My plans are foolish

Why am I crying

I feel so alone

I'm writing this down to get it out. I'm on the upswing again and am able to think more clearly. I'm looking to dissect it to the point that I can gain some sort of control or rationalism through it. I'm still looking.

Post edited by: crashdummy, at: 09/04/2009 08:01 AM


09/04/2009 02:53 PM
MissStacey
MissStacey  
Posts: 14845
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Its great you are writing it out. I also commend you for sharing, many people have a hard time with that. I feel that when I am down and start to journal it makes me worse, just seeing my thoughts come out brings me to tears so I dont do it as much when I am down. Keep doing what works for you. Its great. Have a good one, Stacey Smile

09/25/2009 11:32 PM
MaxCady
 
Posts: 142
Member

I feel alone since 30 years. Now I'm lucky, I have a vietnamese girlfriend. It was a match. She likes me but her family does'nt. I don't make enough money for them!

I work alone as a janitor and I like it.

I don't have any friends but that's ok for now. All I want is to be accepted within a team of 3 in a martial art course for example. When I'll be able to do that, I will be able to do a lot of things in society. Frankly, I would like to go to university one day. But I can't make it through without socialising.

I have to talk to my psychologist about it and at the same time practicing social skill in activities. I'm afraid but I should not because people can feel it and they left you all alone. Paradox. I want to pray.Dizzy

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