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lila
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I've read a lot about bipolars who are jealous of husband's/boyfriend's ex-wives or girlfriends (and visa versa). But who of you are jealous of your step kids and can almost no stand to even be with them? I am not jealous of my husband’s ex-wife since I know he had a very rough and abusive marriage (she even broke his ribs) and he hates her with passion. I also feel very secure in my marriage. I have a huge problem with my step children and always have an excuse when they want to come and visit us over weekends. I am SO afraid that I will totally freak out and go completely mad, I really do need my space big time! As you all know such stress is a huge trigger and it can throw you off balance for a long time! I really dread situations like this and can’t face it anymore! They (girl 16 and boy 19) are very immature, childish and co-dependant. I’d rather prefer their dad spending time with them alone and not bringing them home to our (my) house. But he doesn't really like to spend time with them (they aren’t close at all) and prefer them to rather visit us (occasionally). My husband and I got married 3 years ago and are very happy. We can’t have kids anymore and even if we could we wouldn’t have wanted. My 19 year old son, from a previous marriage, is living with us and he and my husband get along very well. But he is a very mature independent university student and does his own thing, whereas I feel my husband’s kids totally suffocate me and expect me to be more to them than just a step mom. I would like to hear if any of you have the same problem? How must I cope with this extreme irritation, jealousy, fear and intolerance?! |
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carmen33
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Hey Lila, welcome to the group, I believe this is something that you need to discuss and work through with your counselor, trying to mix two families is tough for anyone, and if there are problems makes it even tougher, they are your husbands children though, so you need to try your best to accept them the way they are, it sounds like their Mom didn't do the best job of raising them, and for that should make you have sympathy for them.. sounds like you have done a good job in raising yours, but they didn't have the same learning opportunity that he did... Talk this over with your counselor.. |
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lila
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Hi Carmen, thank you so much for you kind, thoughtfull and encouraging words and the fact that you don't judge me. Today I'm really feeling down and terribly bad about my previous posting - I realise it was very harsh and I wasn't thinking clearly. I sounded like a real witch of a step mom! You are absolutely right; my husband's ex-wife is not the best mom in the world and that is why I feel that the kids suffocate me and it makes me want to escape. I must understand why certain acts stir up certain emotions and then I must manage it. Luckily I have the most supporting and loving husband in the world! My step daughter will be visiting us this weekend and I promised myself (and my husband) that I will try my absolute best to make it a joyful time for us all. Thanks again for your support, I think you realise what that meant to me 
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red1965
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Lila, have you talked to hubby about how you feel when the steps are there. Talk to him, let him know how you feel, ask him to help insulate you from them as need be. He sounds like a great guy. GOD BLESS RED |
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carmen33
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Lila dear, you were not harsh at all, you simply stated how you are feeling and that is a wonderful thing, bringing it out in the open allows you to see what you might not if you keep it buried. Like Red suggested, consider talking it over with your husband, perhaps you can come to some kinda compromise. You can in the mean time, list all the things that bother you, and take a look at them and see if they are really problems that you can't get over, talk with your therapist on how to learn to be able to relate to them. Maybe in the deep parts of your mind you might actually consider the kids to be a threat to your happiness with your husband and maybe think that they will take you away from him, or him from you, this isn't the case and doesn't have to be that way, by learning to love them as your own, you will strength your relationship with your husband and his kids. I know you have it in you to work through this and that is what your husband and therapist are there for, helping you. |
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lila
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Thank you Red, the support and understanding on this site is just great and it helps a lot to know one is not alone! Our weekend was absolutely great and I reaped the rewards of trying to change my negative attitude to being positive and also believing in myself. Things are improving between my step daughter and Iand I'm full of hope for the future. It also helps a lot that my husband's trying to understand how I experience certain situations. |
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lila
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Hi Carmen, thanks for another posting! You are so right, I've been doing some serious thinking and I know in the past I was scared that my husband's kids will take the attention away from me - I wasn't ready to acknowledge that to myself back then since I was so ashamed and felt so childish for being so insecure. My therapist helped me with this though and I just had to find the strengh to face my deamons and once again try to build a good relationship with my step children instead of running away from it and pretending that they don't exist. It's NOT fair towards my husband (actually all parties involved) and last week I decided if I really love my husband and want my marriage to last I HAVE to learn to trust and love my step children. Take care and may today be a special day for you! THANKS again for your support!! Post edited by: lila, at: 03/31/2008 02:33
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carmen33
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 hey Lila, I am happy to hear that things are looking up, you've taken a lot of steps in the right direction, learning to love them as your own, will strengthen your relationship with your husband, and just increase the happiness in you and your family, gives you more people to love and love you in return.For you and your stepdaughter? you two could really have a good time together, how old is she? if she is older, say like 18 or so, do what all women do best, go shopping together, lol, just remember their shopping tastes are vastly varied from what we shop for, getting your nails done or a pedicure is something that bridges the gap, a simple lunch out together would be nice too. You and the kids already have something in common, you both love the man in your lives. |
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