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05/23/2012 01:06 AM

I can't find anyone to talk to

Posts: 1
New Member

I just end here today cause I am having a horrible time and been crying on my bed and can't phone anybody that I know will understand.

I'm so glad ther is this website. That's what I need; other people same as me to hear me.

God, where do I start?

I suffered from Bulimia, alcoholism and depression since my early 20's.I'm now 40.

I've started recovery from both my addictions 8 years ago and have not had bulimia episode or drank alcohol for 5 1/2 years.

The thing is stopping my addictive behaviours means that I have become aware of why in the first place I choose to numb myself.I was dignosed at first with depression and 2 months ago with bipolar2.

It didn't bother me, it just seem right and fitted better with my behaviour. But I didn't really took in how much I am actually suffering from that until about a week ago on mothers day.

I have two precious little girls 3 1/2 and 2 and was looking forward to that special day. And as always I made a very VERY BIG MESS of it. Anything that is planned in advance I mess it up cause I feel so much pressure to be "good".

So woke up feeling complety and utterly dreadful and I started crying and just felt worse and worse. All the plans that my husband had prepared were forgotten, he was trying to help as always- he is very supportive- but everything he was doing was upsetting me. I lost the plot and he did too. We ended up again arguing and screaming in front of my two crying little girls.

Afterwards we discussed with my in laws trying to resolve the problem but I just couldn't stop crying and feeling way too upset.

On that night I found this article in the newspaper that OPENED my eyes to my illness.

It was talking about the episodes where you loose touch with reality and emotions and everything are completely off track. I also related to this person focussing on a loved one being the source of all trouble and not seeing that it is not real at all.

I've been making my husband "my sufferer" and all this 8 years I've directing all my anger, frustruation and resentments towards him.

This has just really hit me that on our last argument and all the one before I was not seeing the reality and I was the one completely off.That's what i mean I accepted the diagnosis of bipolar 2 without really seeing what it does to me.

So I am feeling extremely guilty and shameful. I know it's an illness but still. I am now painfully aware of the effects of my moods on my husband and little girls and know that what I think is happening is not. Specially since mothers day, I have been feeling RAGE, ENORMOUS IMPOSSIBLE IRRITABILITY, and I'm not able to stop myself from exploding constantly to any little thing that upset me or doesn't go the way it should. I have never been like that before and I AM SO SAD that I can be so horrible when I love my kids so much.

I was put on Lamitcal and only taking now 75mg and I've lowered my antidepressant from 20 to 10mg cause here is the other thing I'm pregnant only 2 months and I don't want to be on too much med for the baby.

I leave it here for now and feeling much better to have "talked"

Thanks to everyone who read me.


05/23/2012 02:13 AM

Welcome to the group! Getting over alcoholism and Bulimia shows how strong you are. You have an illness and BP is very hard to manage unless properly medicated. Maybe talk to you doctor about introducing an anti-psychotic as well to help with the manic irritability. Also, now that you have so much insight can you explain things to your husband. He sounds very supportive, but still would benefit from what you have told us here. I hope you find the right meds soon. I am glad you found us to support you through such a rough time. Hang in there.

05/23/2012 03:02 AM
Posts: 7381
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Welcome to the group ladbrook,

I think we can all relate to the frustration on some level. I come here to talk to people that understand and help me through the rough times, and share the good times.

75mg of Lamictal is a low dose, 200mg is usually the goal for most people with BP II. The only problem with Lamictal is the time it takes to get to the right dose and the slow progress.

You might want to check in with your psychiatrist to see if there is an anti-psychotic that you can take while pregnant. This will help with the rage, guilt, feeling hopeless.

Educate yourself as much as you can. Knowing about our disorder goes a long way in helping us understand therefore better to help loved ones understand. I know with myself that anger is usually a warning sign that depression is setting in. At this point I call my pdoc (psychiatrist) and get a med adjustment.

Anyway here is a page of links that's been compiled over the years. There's a lot of information on Bi-polar. For myself I learn as much as I can and am always looking for more information. I found the links on this page to be very helpful. discussions/general-support/1780176-educating-yourself- about-bipolar-disorderinfo

05/23/2012 04:20 AM
Posts: 81

Hi, I'm so sorry that you have to go through these things. I think medication might change a lot. But I suggest you see a therapist too. I've learned so much about how my actions affect my loved ones by simply having that soundboard of somebody who can explain your feelings better than you can yourself, by reflecting your behaviour back to you. Therapy can also resolve issues of the past, like you having to deal with bulimia and maybe the triggers for that and the alcohol abuse. You seem like a strong person and you can be proud of that. But I still see a lot of pain and unresolved issues in you. You need to work through this. You are lying to yourself when you say you always make a mess of things, look into yourself and ask yourself honestly if this is really true. Waking up every morning with a thought like that will make you feel horrible, and that in turn causes negative reactions. Tell yourself you are better than this. I try this sometimes. And I don't want to seem perfect here. I have my own issues with this. My brother often ends up being my punching bag, my ex boyfriend did to. I also often fall back and end up making a mess of things, but sometimes just sometimes things work out, but only when I decide it should. Make the intention to heal. write down how you wish your life to be.

All the best. And all my love.

05/23/2012 05:08 AM
Posts: 7381
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

I went to Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for three years, I learned a lot about myself and resolved

all my past issues. Verbal & emotional abuse, sexual abuse, cult abuse, mental conditioning AKA brain washing, substance abuse. I was never an alcoholic, nor was I ever powerless. CBT helped me see myself as I am, the true me, a loving, caring, intelligent individual. I am a normal person who went through abnormal experiences. I'm not saying any of this was easy because it's not! You have to be brave to face the truth. as its been said the truth will set you free and I am testament to that.

I lived with guilt, shame, and fear for over 30 years.

So you can get a better understanding of what I have overcome I made a video to express what I could not talk to my therapist about. I don't share this very often though I think when it comes to any abuse we all kind of experience the same feelings.

This is a very emotional video, just a heads up. hopefully you can identify and maybe have some hope that anyone can recover from abuse.

05/23/2012 01:10 PM
Posts: 138

I just want you to know that i related to so much of what you posted. I too had eating disorders from the age of 17, alcoholism, addiction. I had lots of anxiety and depression and was just diagnosed last year with bp2 after years on different AD's. I am a mother to 4 and 6 yr. old girls. I relate sooo much to not being able to handle any stress with them and looosing it on them( so sad) not physical thank God, but before i was diagnosed and i was still drinking i feel like i came close and i was not raised like that(terrifying) total loss of control, i am on Lamictal now and it's better but i am irritable, anxious, angry, get fiery about everything.....since i got off of all Cymbalta so i gonna talk to pdoc/ welcome to the site and sorry you are having a rough time. It will get better. C

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