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05/27/2008 11:38 AM

First day not working....as bad as expected

lobo
lobo  
Posts: 451
Member

Today's my first day not being employed and useful so I'm depressed. I knew this was coming and was going to be tough, but no matter how much mental prep was done it still sucks.

When I get like this, reason and facts can't overcome the fears. I'm financially okay for awhile, I'm marketable somewhere, sometime and I know all that, but it doesn't ease the anxiety and fears. I'm better off than many folks right now, but I'm so self consumed by the rejection and fear of the future that I'm having a hell of a time getting my damn mind off myself and thinking in a positive direction about anything (except for that LMAO great joke

morningglory/oldglory put in the lounge...a life saver). Right now I should be thankful for the time off and going to the beach or doing projects around the house or going for a bike ride, but with this all coming on in the past few weeks I've totally lost interest in just about everything.

The hardest part of all this is that I don't know if the way I feel is BP chemical or circumstantial or both. For awhile I feel like I've been slipping backwards and the Lamictal isn't working quite like it was so I'm going to see the psych at 6pm today to see if anything needs adjusting or if he tells me that this is all circumstantial and just ride it out with the help of my support network.

It's a bitch being a guy whose real feelings got uncovered and cultivated later in life because even after 18 years of sustained and periodic involvement in therapy and then BP coming on, I can't tell which feelings belong to what source right now.

I did get a jolt on Sunday that I'm still processing. Sunday's are my absolute worst depressive day and has been for years and I've beat the snot out of it in therapy trying to find the source and it never has bubbled up. Anyway, on Sunday after chuch I got into this really good conversation with a single woman that had been visiting for about 4 weeks. Most of the time within about 2 minutes I can tell if it's going to be one of those trite, shallow conversations or if it holds potential for more. Within a few minutes it went into one of those rare conversations of real depth of feelings, genuiness, soulful sharing, etc. Her work circumstances mirror my own and many other commonalities. What I walked away with was validation, feeling good about myself, feeling like I got my soul fed, feeling like I connected, feeling like she got me, etc. That was the first non-depressed Sunday I have had since I can remember and it elevated me to a place of restoring interest in life, hope, confidence, fearless, etc. Still trying to figure out why it happened and need to process it to see if a big part of my depression is chronic loneliness.

As I'm sure most of you know, the downside of a lot of therapy is that your emotional and self-awareness well gets dug deeper and deeper as you progress then it takes people with more and more depth to fully relate and communicate symbiotically. Unfortunately, most guys suck at emotional depth and I run into very few women that can go there too...this site seems to be loaded with folks that I wish were my neighbors for just that reason. The lady I met Sunday gave me a taste of what's missing, but it wasn't sustained long enough to last past Sunday. Also, things like that encounter can be a cruel tease too. I feel like a beggar peering thru a restaurant window at the folks eating inside, but I can't have any...that kind of tease is what I got Sunday. I'm not sure whether it's better or worse to get a taste of what the soul needs and then be deprived again or to just never have it at all. Just about the time I've buried the need enough to get by, something like this happens and wakes the damn thing up again.

I appreciate the folks on this website and the resulting feeding I get here.

Anyway, sorry for the long post.

Post edited by: lobo, at: 05/27/2008 13:43

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05/27/2008 01:42 PM
morningglory/oldglory
glory  
Posts: 3668
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Dear friend, lobo. I live in a house with my husband, my daughter 36, and granddaughters, 18 & 15. That's 5, yes, lol, 5. I would never tell the family, but there are times, house full, that lonliness smoothers me. They are wonderful and take care of me & each other extremely well, but still......Do you think maybe, it's a normal feeling? I've heard so many non BPer's say, "in a crowd I am lonely". I find it is better if I make an actual daily schedule for myself. Computer from ? to ?. Dinner from ? to ?. Tv from ? to ?.

I'm totally disabled and really can't do much, but I keep that old schedule like crazy. It helps to know there is a plan.

Writing and reading this site is wonderful therapy for me.....I actually see people worse off than me, and it makes me feel better. (wow, that sounded bad.....) but ya know what I mean....I hope!! lolol

If ya get real desperate, PM me and we'll shoot the shit...lol

Love

Gloria


05/27/2008 06:00 PM
carmen33
carmen33  
Posts: 8702
VIP Member

Lobo, never feel sorry for anything, you are sharing what a lot of us feel, you've just experienced a major event in your life, this is going to cause a lot of feelings, the lady in question might just have been a angel, to show you what is out there waiting.. giving you things that you needed at that time..they take on many faces.

Being lonely in a crowd is something that I have suffered with for most of my life, I had a group of about 30 people I ran around with in school, misfits all of us..lol, but still even with all those people I felt lonely.. there are real people out there that can go to the depths you say you are experiencing, till those come along, we are here, true honest cleansing of the heart causes the most extreme pain I have ever felt, I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest, stomped on with cleats, and then ran over a few times for good measure and then put back in.. but I've managed to dig myself out from there, and still to this day am recovering from that, like you and I have discussed before, your job is not who you truly are, who you are is what your heart says, and what you show to others.. getting bored sitting at home? volunteer with your nearest soup kitchen, reach out to those who are feeling just like you are..

Take the bike out, go for a ride, get a few bugs in your teeth, and the wind in your face and let it blow the cobwebs out, from there you can move out of the shadows and into the light.


05/27/2008 06:33 PM
lobo
lobo  
Posts: 451
Member

Thanks guys for the genuine response. Maybe everyone does feel that kind of lonely, but I don't know many that admit it. I facilitated two singles support groups for 4 years and it's amazing how fast some people will dance so they can avoid and stay ahead of real feelings. I have found that many, many of us single folks don't even acknowledge that empty place and try to fill it with everything imaginable. I've been single for 16 years so I've run thru most of the methods of distraction so I got tired of dancing and for the past few years have just been dealing with it and trying to accept it, but it's depressing.

However, reading these posts makes it less lonely and maybe I am normal...hardly ever used that word on myselfLaughing.

Went to see the psych tonight and he said most of this is circumstantial, but we're going up on the Lamictal a little on a temporary basis. He is not only a psychiatrist, but did one major in pharmacology then went on as a psych so this guy, at 70, knows his chemicals. When I told him that I was waking up depressed and then it somewhat starts diminishing around 6pm and by 10pm I feel okay he asked about my sleep. I gave him the rundown and he thinks my sleep schedule is screwed up and that the dopamine blockers are fighting each other so he told me to "decapitate" my sleep tonight and don't go to bed until 3am then wake up regular time. I think he has something there because when I wake up around 5am and go pee I actually feel pretty good, but I go back to bed and when I wake up again I'm in that bad place so maybe there is a relationship there. Anyway, I guess I'll be hanging around on here until 3am to use up some of the timeSmile.

Thanks again.

Post edited by: lobo, at: 05/27/2008 20:53


05/27/2008 07:09 PM
morningglory/oldglory
glory  
Posts: 3668
VIP Member

That's early for me most nights...lololol I'll be lurking around, buddy....lol

05/27/2008 09:40 PM
lobo
lobo  
Posts: 451
Member

I'm still here and wide awake. Decided to be productive tonight and worked on a project that's been laying around too long.

You up sis'??


05/27/2008 09:59 PM
morningglory/oldglory
glory  
Posts: 3668
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as always lol

05/28/2008 02:33 AM
carmen33
carmen33  
Posts: 8702
VIP Member

Hey nightowls..lol, Lobo, sleep is important, I try to stay on schedule as much as possible.. that means bed by 10 pm at the latest, and up at 5AM, I stick to this even on weekends, meds are generally 6,12 and 6.

Sounds like your doctor does know what is going on, let us know..


05/28/2008 07:08 AM
lobo
lobo  
Posts: 451
Member

carmen33 wrote:

Hey nightowls..lol, Lobo, sleep is important, I try to stay on schedule as much as possible.. that means bed by 10 pm at the latest, and up at 5AM, I stick to this even on weekends, meds are generally 6,12 and 6.

Sounds like your doctor does know what is going on, let us know..

I appreciate the advice and I try to do that. I went to see my psych yesterday evening and he asked about my sleep cycle and I told him it was off because I felt good starting at 10pm and woke up depressed. He said I need to break the cycle of feeling bad during the day and good at night so told me to stay up until 3am and then get up regular time. Glory kept me company and dang if I didn't feel much better when I got up this morning. Psych, who is also a pharmacologist, went into all the detail of how I got into the reverse cycling and told me twice a week to do this. Thanks Glory for hanging with me last night.

I got the call this a.m. on the continuing interview so I go tomorrow for the 3rd round...prayers please and thanks.


05/28/2008 02:55 PM
lobo
lobo  
Posts: 451
Member

Got a phone call today so I go for, hopefully, the last round of interviews tomorrow at 10am for this local job. This will make 8 people that I will have interviewed with at this one firm...gang interviewing; I just love it. If all goes well tomorrow and we both think it's a fit then maybe I'll get a formal offer on Friday or Monday. We'll see.
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