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TarBabyJim
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I don't know where to start. It's all so screwed up, my life that is. To start, my grandmother and grandfather are brother and sister. Then out pops my birth mother from this screwed up relationship. She was crazy and killed herself at 45 years old. To make things worse, she spawned 11 little bastereds including myself. All her offspring are "mental" in some way or another. I have never talked about this (i'm 53) till now. I was living a relitively happy life till one of my birth sisters contacted me wanting a relationship. I was 17 at the time and happily adopted by a nice family. I learned about my sisters bipolar issues YEARS later only, after my adopted parents died. I was overwhelmed with grief and this sister offered to help me. I moved to her town and lived through a year of pure hell till I had to run as far away as possible to get away from her. She stole everything I had, my house, my inheretance, everything. I moved from south Georgia to Washington state, where I live now. The thing is, I am happier now but, the hurt still lingers. Now I find I am bipolar myself. I'm taking pills that seem to help a little but, I don't think I will ever be right in my head compleatly. Will I ever be able to forgive my sister? I wrote her and told her that I hope shedies and rots in hell..... Does God love pipolar evil people like me? Is there ANY hope for me? Wow, I finally got it out. Guess that's a start. Now what? I don't like shrinks. Peace, jim Baldwin Spokane WA my personal site: http://LetHerIn.org |
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cats4me59
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hey jim, first let me say i,m sorry for your hurts. those were terrible things to be done to you. next bipolar people aren't evil. we have a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be helped w/meds. yes, at times our natures seem evil because of the anger and different cycles, but we are humans w/a health problem. and God does love us as much as he loves everybody else. |
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TarBabyJim
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Hi Cats4me, How can God love someone wit such screwed up gens as my family and me? Granted, it's not my fault my grandparents spauned a screwed up woman like my mother who then passed this bulls#@t down to my genaration. I hate knowing who I am and were I came from. It doesn't seem fair. The Bible says that the sins of the father are passed down to the third and fourth genaration. I understand what that means now. This is all too much to deal with. I can't change myself, I was born this way. I guess it's true what they say,"Life is hell then, you die."
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TarBabyJim
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I don't want to sound defeatist but, in the Bible, if a brother and sister were caught screwing around they were BOTH taken out of the camp and stoned to death. That was a good way to keep the sin from passing down th line. Too bad my grandparents weren't shot. I will hate them forever for the EVIL they did! |
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cats4me59
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i can under stand the why you feel, actually i guess i can't not having been there, but i know how i would feel if it were me. i know it was definitely aganist God's commands. but as you said you didn't commit the sins. and yes the other verse is there too, but it doesn't mean you are being punished because of what they did, it is all the after affects you have to live with. please hang in there, because you can get better, granted meds and therapy is needed. i don't have a background like you. actually my grandfather and great grandfather were preachers. my grandmother had a child out of wedlock in 1919. and she was manic depressive (bipolar 1920's name). i believe this is something God gave me to bear, granted sometimes it is a heavy burden, for me and my family. i don't have a supportive husband. he is not mean or bad or anything. he just sticks his head in the sand and ignores it. he is no help at all. but hopefully thru some of this i can be a help to others. that is what i try to do, in my saner moments. but meds made life bearable and a little more enjoyable, i have three beautiful little granddaughters i want to watch grow and have a happy life. i have to try for them. |
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TarBabyJim
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Thanks Cat, Just talking about it is helping. When I posted my first message above, I freaked out a little. I couldn't believe I was sayin these things PUBLICLY! I was worried what someone might say. Thank you for your kind words. I will keep using my meds but I ain't going to no shrink. All they want is my money and I don't have any to give them. When I said I am "evil", it's true. If someone is bad to me I go after them. My neighbor kept getting on my LAST nerve so I went to the hunting store and bought a little bottle of deer piss and put a few drops at the bottom of her front door. It only took about three weeks to be rid of the bitch. This "forgiving" thing ain't easy for me. If your husband keeps getting on YOUR nerves Cat just do like I did, move to Washington state. It's great up here! (please don't thnk I am looking for a girlfriend, I don't nee THAT headache. lol) Peace, Jim http://LetHerIn.org |
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cats4me59
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i bet as your meds help, you will find yourself becoming a calmer person, not to say that the beast within won't rear its ugly head now and then. about two years ago my husband just wasn't getting it, he never has, and i had been on a super hypermania for about two months. my high turned to complete irritablity, then anger. i had never lashed out at anybody before with anything but words. my violence has always been towards me, but this time i started hitting him when he made stupid comments, and after about three days of this, i pulled a dresser drawer out, threw all contents at him and then threw the drawer into his legs. brusied them up some. he had better be glad i didn't aim for his head. that is where i wanted to hit him. i still do sometimes, but i try to control it with indifference. but as i said hang in there. it will get better, just don't stop taking meds. i have been bipolar as long as i can remember, even as a kid. did not seek help until i was about 40, eight years ago, and believe me when i say i know meds do help calm. and about moving i actually have a cousin who lives in sand point, idaho. he is for ever after me to visit. he was raised here in ga, with me for about 6 yrs,and went back after army because couldn't get along with dad and my aunt,his stepmom. i have always promised him a visit, if things here don't improve may have to .
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glory
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Mr.TarBabyJim.......I am so angry right now that I am shaking! I have words for you that absolutely cannot be typed on this public forum, so, I shall spew on you in a PM. I certainly don't want to break up the pity party you two are enjoying with each other! Gloria glory |
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cats4me59
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miss glory. i am not indulging in a pity party. i am quiet happy w/my life at this moment. i was trying to encourage jim, by giving him some examples of issues in my life so he would not think he was alone in this. that at times thoughts and things like this come to all of us. this gentlemen has had a lifetime of pain. he needs to know it can and will get calmer and better w/help and meds. you are pretty judgemental and self righteous in my opinion. this group i thought was about helping people not putting them down. i have a few words i could say to you. jim, sorry there are still people like this out there. idf what she says is derogatory, toss it. |
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glory
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catlady, I thought you were pointing out that this thread was for tarbaby......my my. Gloria glory |
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