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08/31/2009 09:58 PM

Ever feel like you're a bouncy ball?

yippeeskippee
yippeeskippee  
Posts: 437
Member

Yesterday I was as up as I could go without being psychotic. (At least, I don't think I was). In fact, I've never been that up before, and it was pretty terrifying. Today, I crashed and burned, breaking down into heaving sobs after a melt-down on my family. Like a bouncy ball. Bounce it off the ground it's down, but not for long! Then up, up, it goes, then down, etc. Now, I'm neither up nor down, good nor bad. I exist. No emotion or real thought processes. That is all. Last night, my sleep was broken at best, as I kept feeling like something was after me. Like a child, I hid under the covers most of the night except for having to go to the bathroom. I can't remember the last time I was that afraid of what was in the dark. I keep "seeing" things out of the corner of my eyes, and they're becoming more frequent. The other day I nearly locked up the brakes while driving because I "saw" a cat in the road. The scary part is my husband said, "What? Did you see a cat or something?". He confirmed that there wasn't one there. I feel very much like with every "episode", I've slipped further. Further to what I don't know. But I'm scared. Real scared. Am I going to lose it entirely? What happens if I do? Will I come back? I'm going to go try to sleep. I hope nothing "gets" me.

Post edited by: yippeeskippee, at: 08/31/2009 09:59 PM

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09/01/2009 10:00 AM
mem3508

i like the bouncing ball analogy. and i can relate to the phobias, they usually come around during depression phases. the weird thing is that i can sense when the 'up' swing is descending but i never know, nor can anticipate, when the 'down' swing will end. when i feel a change, i simply try to ride it out, positive self talk doesn't work, encouragement from my wife doesn't work, wallowing in self pitty doesn't work...perhaps i'm hoping that there will be some med adjustments coming my way after my next pdoc visit. i'm not sure if i helped any, but it's good for me to know i'm not alone.

09/01/2009 10:18 AM
marisavat
marisavat  
Posts: 132
Member

I can definitley relate. I was off meds for about a year, and am now trying to get things leveled back out,and the ups and downs are exhausting. I too have the phobias and wander if one day im going to go off the deep end and never come back. I used to think the ups werent so bad, but the inevitable crash is torturous. I look at my husband who is relatively normal, and wander how he got so lucky. i would like to be "normal" too.

09/01/2009 11:12 AM
mem3508

normal is relative...that grass always looks greener on the other side...frankly i'd rather be bp than live with someone who is.

truth is, us bpers have many amazing gifts, focusing on the 'abilities' rather than the 'disabilities' has made the biggest difference aside from meds.


09/01/2009 12:05 PM
yippeeskippee
yippeeskippee  
Posts: 437
Member

I know when my ups are about to end as well. I don't know when the downs will. In fact, when I'm down, it's as if all I can see is down further. When I'm up, I can see down. All of the positive thinking in the world doesn't help. And yes, I would rather be BP than to live with one. I told my husband last nice I actually felt sorry for him having to live with me. The kids all get to leave, he's chosen to stay. I guess that's the key: He chooses to be here. It feels like I'm on my way up again. Talking/thinking fast, can't hold on to a thought longer than .2 nanoseconds, wondering how long it would take to get the kitchen painted...wheeeeeee!!!!!!

09/01/2009 12:44 PM
MissStacey
MissStacey  
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I'm an Advocate

Its good you have a supportive husband and I agree I would rather be the Bipolar one than have to live with one. Its good when your highs get productive stuff done such as painting, cleaning etc cant complain about that. Smile

09/01/2009 01:18 PM
MissStacey
MissStacey  
Posts: 14845
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I'm an Advocate

You need to discuss the feelings you are having with your pdoc as soon as you can. I suffer from BP II Rapid Cycling with some Psychotic features such as some Hallucinations and racing thoughts and voices that sometimes are not my own. I know it sounds like Schitzophrenia but I am not. It started years ago just as you are explaining yours and just got kind of worse and then sometimes I dont have it at all. If it starts to bug you too much they can put you on an antipschotic like Geodon or Invega, they even tried Abilify. The only ones that kind of worked for me were the Invega and Abilify but I unfortunately had to stop taking them due to side effects I had. I have heard alot of people say very good things about them though. Good Luck, Stacey

09/01/2009 02:34 PM
yippeeskippee
yippeeskippee  
Posts: 437
Member

I have group tonight and a med review tomorrow, so between the two I'm sure something will get done. I am currently blasting off into the stratosphere, on my way back way, way up. I'm on Abilify 2.5mg once a day, Depakote 500mg in the morning, 250mg at noon, and 250mg at bedtime, and clonidine 0.1mg in the morning and evening. I've had two med adjustments in the last month. It's not working. It did for a couple of weeks, but I guess my body has adjusted and I'm back off to the races. (*sigh*) This isn't the "fun" mania either. This one is the jumpy, short-tempered, I'm-going-to-rip-your-friggin'-head-off kind of mania. I just gotta hang on until tomorrow...

Post edited by: yippeeskippee, at: 09/01/2009 02:36 PM


09/01/2009 03:22 PM
mem3508

you can hang...you have a keen sense of self awareness that many sufferes can't even comprehend. keep us posted please.

09/01/2009 05:21 PM
yippeeskippee
yippeeskippee  
Posts: 437
Member

Group went pretty well. Most of them I could relate to really well. All except the one that tried my last frazzled nerve, but she's got her issues as well. You're right crash, I'm doing much better already. I have a sneaky suspicion I'm going to get quite of bit changed with my meds as my therapist was scribbling madly as I was describing the last few days I've had. 'Tis all good. Maybe I'll get to string together a few good days here soon.
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