tell me this isn't just us

Why am I the only one to bear the brunt of it when she gets nasty? why can't she be nasty to someone else instead of me? she's told me that she doesn't mean to be like that, but I still don't understand why me....

How long until she stops being selfish? How long until her compassion and empathy come back? When will it stop being all about her and become even a little about me? There are some moments now when she can sort of put herself in someone else's shoes, but they're fleeting moments....

When will the pieces to the puzzle fill in enough that she doesn't feel like a stranger in a strange land? That she will be able to say she knows instead of guessing and not knowing at all?

I try to hang in there, I try not to feed into the negative (like when she's late taking her meds and is trying to pick fights with me), I try to be supportive and understanding....but it is HARD. In her mania she did some things that I guess she now has to deal with the consequences...but it all affects me too....and she doesn't get it right now, I don't think. I am tired. I am physically drained. My brain is overwhelmed. I am frustrated, hurt and pissed off. I am lonely and miss my best friend. I want a guarantee. But I know that I can't have one. I want to know that at the end of all this she will look at me and understand what I went through for her. I want her to appreciate that for once in her life someone stood by her and didn't leave.

Sometimes I don't know if I should give up or hold on. I want to know that I'm not doing this for nothing.

But most of all I want a hug from her and for her to honestly tell me everything will be alright.

Has she been on medication in the past?I know it is soo hard to have patience. If you love her tho, you will be patient. Give that medication time to work. If this medication doesn't work, she may need to try something different. It may take some time!

I am 30 & I have felt so miserable inside myself & have been pretty selfish. Didnt care who's feelings I hurt. I have just felt so dreadful and awful, unmotivated and anxious, depressed and hopeless, wishing I wouldn't wake up in the morning. Everyday I felt like I was walking around with a ton of bricks on my shoulders for no reason I should feel any of these things. I have a wonderful husband and 2 beatiful children..I have had Bipolar, not knowing it until October 2007. I can at least look back and say I probably have had it when I was 20 or younger. I was put on a 2nd medication and hit the jackpot with it being the winning medication. I'm more caring & loving, im not so selfish, i have more energy, i want to wake up in the mornings!I'm not quite sure why my husband has stayed with me thru all of this. I have been a pretty mean person. He has a tremendous amount of patience.

I'm not quite sure I am making any sense or telling you anything you are wanting to know so I will quit rambling

Don't give up on her!I think it will all work out in the end. I say, if she is taking her meds & she is in therapy she is working on it!

Amber

Post edited by: momof2rugrats, at: 03/12/2008 13:48

There are people here, that are way better with words that will be able to help you more than I can!

I hope her meds start working soon. I hope that you start feeling better soon!

Amber

She won't be able to tell you everything is going to be ok, cause she probably don't know if it will herself, I am sure with the new meds, she is having some guilt over things in the past... have you asked her for a hug? if not walk up to her and tell her straight, I need a hug.. odds are you are going to get it..

You were wondering why you were the one to get the brunt of it? because you are her mate, she is comfortable enough with you to let her guard down, I know for me my family got the worst of it, when I wasn't able to control it, they would get blasted, and I would be able to put the mask back in place and go out and deal with the world..

Hopefully these meds will work for her, if not be prepared to have to go through this again, I am one of the lucky ones that seems to have gotten it right in the first place.. but this doesn't mean it will continue to be that way, I've been on the lamictal since August and here it is just March and I have already had mine tweeked 4 times..

I hope for you and for her you are able to stick it out, your relationship will be stronger for it, but remember bipolar or not, abuse is not to be tolerated.. let her know, that you know that she is hurting and that you are there for her..