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05/06/2012 06:25 PM

New to this site

songinmysoul
songinmysoul  
Posts: 594
Member

Hi everyone,

I just found this website tonight and thought it looked pretty decent, so I joined. I'm 46, female and have bipolar II and borderline personality disorder. I started taking medication for bipolar about 5 years ago. I have been on antidepressants for 23 years with the results not being that great.

I am a 4th semester nursing student with no children and I'm not married. I am living with my parents to help me out until I graduate and get an RN position.

People aren't just born bipolar and borderline. We are a result of our upbringing and environment. I had several traumatic events take place in my life and I don't have a good relationship with either parent, so living here is extremely difficult, but I am getting close to finishing school. I just feel so very lonely because I have mood swings and get angry at my mother for various things and then my father tries to come to the rescue and my anger toward him is even worse. I have to continually medicate myself with Xanax or Klonopin to deal w/the mood swings and stress of school.

I have been in a few relationships, but they've not been healthy ones. I would love to have a family, or at least be married, but I'm afraid I won't be able to tolerate anyone or vice versa.

I also have a hard time with some friendships because I seem to attract other very unstable people.

I deal with anxiety everyday & am hyper-sensitive to meds so I can't take high doses of psych drugs...I'm on Abilify, Trileptal, Celexa, Trazadone, Xanax (as needed) and occasionally Klonopin (as-needed).

Thank you for the support you offer here and for reading a little of my story.

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05/07/2012 02:54 AM
mem4809

I wish you a warm welcome to the group! It took me a long time to find the right meds and doses as I too am quite resistant to meds and sensitive to side effects. You are really struggling with a lot and it sounds like you did not grow up in a loving and trusting environment as that your relationships with others may reflect what you grew up with and how you are used to being treated as a child. Have you tried going to therapy as you have a lot of issues to deal with. On top of that I would not give up on the ability to find the right dosage or medication mix to stabilize your moods more. I think it's amazing that you have made it so far into your nursing eduction! Congratulations! Hopefully you will be able to move out soon enough and put a healthy distance between you and your parents. keep posting so we can support you through this!

05/07/2012 06:20 AM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16693
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Hi there. It must be really hard going to school and living with people you don't like. That probably contributes to your mood a lot. The right medication is out there, you just have to keep trying. I do have to disagree that you aren't born with bipolar. It's genetic and if you have a parent with a mental illness, there is a 50/50 chance you are going to get one. Also if someone in your family has one, you may get hit with a mental illness also. I didn't have a great childhood, but it wasn't traumatic by any means. Congratulations on your nursing schooling. You seem like you are doing great in school regardless of the bipolar. I hope you get to the point you want to be at soon. Don't give up. We'll be here for you. Welcome to the group!

05/07/2012 07:49 AM
InvisibleMe
InvisibleMe  
Posts: 3203
Senior Member

Welcome! I too went about 27 years without being diagnosed and then was diagnosed 2 years ago. I was mostly manic, but sometimes I would be depressed for a short period. It took me 2 years to find the right mix of medications, and believe it or not, I'm still working on tweaking them. It's hard to be patient with the meds, I know. I'm glad you found us!! We're glad to have you here.

05/07/2012 02:31 PM
songinmysoul
songinmysoul  
Posts: 594
Member

Thank you all for your responses. I think I have, for the time being, found the best 'cocktail' of meds for me. I am more than 50 lbs overweight and being on the psych meds makes it very difficult to lose, but the biggest side effect I get from most psych meds is anxiety. I can only take small doses of most meds, except antidepressants. I take Xanax and Klonopin as needed, but only the smalles dose, as I feel so doped-up.

I had a very traumatic childhood of abuse and neglect, unfortunately and have done extensive research on borderline pers disorder. The disorder is a direct result of childhood trauma. I believe my bipolar also came from the same experiences. My mom completely favored my 2 sisters over me and my brother, and we are both bipolar. WE received the brunt of my father's anger and our home was chaotic, frightening and unstable.

I'm actually on my 2nd college degree. I've got a bachelor's degree in business and now am almost finished getting my RN degree. I'm doing a complete career change. Yes, I've accomplished alot, but my moods have kept me from excelling at any place of employment and I've been "laid off" several times and I think it's due to excessive absences due to bipolar. I deal with depression/anxiety and loneliness everyday. It's a very hard life and I feel like such a failure because I wanted to have my own family by now and I'm single. Thank you for listening.

Can someone tell me how to put my list of meds at the bottom of my 'discussion' like I see that you all have. Thanks.


05/07/2012 02:36 PM
songinmysoul
songinmysoul  
Posts: 594
Member

Oh and yes, I've been in therapy off and on for 20 years or more now. I know the why's of everything, but it still doesn't make it any easier knowing that info.

By the way, my name is Jennifer. Smile

Candjdog, you are exactly right. I have a hard time trusting others because of how I was treated growing up. I want to believe I can have a relationship with the right man though, ya know and have healthy longterm friendships.

Post edited by: songinmysoul, at: 05/07/2012 02:42 PM


05/07/2012 02:56 PM
mem4809

Wow, you have accomplished so much! And I am glad you are more aware about what to look for in a relationship. I found internet dating to be helpful for me.

To put the list of meds under your name, go into settings, then into signatures. In the box for signatures you can write whatever you want like we have. PM me if you get stuck.

Janna


05/07/2012 03:07 PM
songinmysoul
songinmysoul  
Posts: 594
Member

Ok Janna, thank you. Yeah, I'm pretty tired of college, lol...and I'm hoping wherever I work won't want me to get a bachelor's in nursing. I am so burned out from school. I'll be receiving an Associate's, which is still an RN, but I hear they're wanting new nurses to have bachelor's degrees. It has already taken me 3&1/2 yrs for the associates because the classes are so hard and I'm not a "quick-learner". Smile
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