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04/29/2012 03:53 AM

Depression just hit me like a ton of bricks

RickEJ
RickEJ  
Posts: 7386
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I'm an Advocate

Its come back, the emptiness, loneliness, the darkness. I've been crying for the past 20 minutes, my live feels so empty and void of substance. I have only 1 RL friend here that understands depression, I used to have so many friends, a girl friend, loved being with family. None of that seems to matter now, I feel I'm slipping away back to the dark rusty cage in my mind where nothing can hurt me. Alone and scared like a little boy trying to hide from the monster...... when will this ever end? I'm not suicidal or anything like that, I'm just feeling very alone. I know I have you all, sometimes I just need someone to hold, someone to embrace and feel loved and safe. I've been alone too long, this is not about sex, its about love and companionship, compassion and understanding. This disorder can be so cruel, just when I think I got under control it slams into me like a train, derailing me off into the emptiness.

I haven't felt so much internal agony in a long time. Its so lonely inside my head right now God I need to change this. F#$% my pdoc, I can't stand it! I'm going to take the Zyprexa now its the only med that will pull out of this dark place.Ermm

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04/29/2012 05:13 AM
mem4809

Oh Rick, I feel so badly for you. Depression hits so suddenly and deeply with us. I hope the Zyprexa works for you. I wish you had someone to hold. Maybe when you are feeling better you can try on line dating--it works for lots of people--ok, don't think about that now. Just know this Depression is temporary. Hang in there and keep posting so we can at least share what you are going through. I know how frustrated you are too.

Many Hugs.

Janna


04/29/2012 08:02 AM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16594
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I'm so very sorry that you are going through this. Everything was going okay for you. This deep depression is a bump in the road. It won't last forever. You know that. It sounds like it's making you want to have someone in your life. You have to get stable again. I know you miss that affection. I do too and I even have a boyfriend. He's not very affectionate. You will get through this. You always do. You are strong. I hope the Zyprexa works for you and brings you out of this depression. It's such an awful feeling to have. You have us, so please keep us updated on how you are doing.

04/29/2012 01:10 PM
JenniferJen4
JenniferJen4  
Posts: 367
Member

I hope and pray it works for you, its so hard being in that place. It's a scary, lonely place to be so I am hoping you get out of it soon. Just remember nothing lasts forever even the bad stuff so eventually you will come back up. Keep your head up

04/30/2012 03:35 AM
RickEJ
RickEJ  
Posts: 7386
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Its been 2 nights with 7-8 hours sleep and I'm feeling better, I've managed to contain my depression and am moving forward. It is still lurking in the background like a viper ready to strike at any moment.

At this point I'm functional and will be going back to work today. I would like to say I'm looking forward to it but that would be a lie. Everyone there is under so much stress there is this negative vibe that just makes me want to run away. It's hard working in the same room with several people who bitch all day, and one that pretends I'm not even there. My boss whom I was close to has betrayed my trust has now distanced himself from me, cutting off his only outlet to voice his frustrations. He thinks he may have bi-polar also and has many extreme ups and downs.

I have a plan of action now and am much more focused, I need to work on me so I will have a better feeling about myself. Right now I'm not very happy with what I have become and not comfortable in my own skin. I'm ashamed I let myself go to this point, mentally and physically I've been ignoring my needs as far has my health is concerned. I am suffering for it now, I need to change in order to get back on track if I want to keep working. It will be hard though the results will be worth the effort.


04/30/2012 06:02 AM
InvisibleMe
InvisibleMe  
Posts: 3203
Senior Member

I'm so glad you are feeling better. I know that it's hard to go back to work because you have a lot to face there. It's great you got some sleep. It's very important that you take care of yourself as you realize. *hug*

04/30/2012 06:18 AM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16594
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Glad to hear you got some sleep and are feeling a little better. I know it's tough at work and you will get that figured out soon enough. I hope the day goes smoothly for you and that you can feel even better as the day goes by. We're rooting for you!
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