Bipolar Type II Support Group

So my husband and I are looking to try and start to have a family in May. I am being weaned off my meds, currently all I'm left on is 50mg of Lamictal (until tomorrow, it goes down to 25mg). I get triggered VERY easily. My husband and I have about $20,000 in credit card debt because, in part, of my Bipolar (spending), also him feeding into it by buying everything we could need (and even not need) for a baby.

Last night he brought up something he thought we should both discuss because he wanted to make sure we were on the same page. I could tell something was bothering him, I ask him what's up he tells me "We have to talk about something, and you won't like it". He says to wait until we are eating dinner and we can discuss it over dinner. Well of course my brain starts racing and I start convincing myself he's going to tell me he wants to wait longer to have a baby. I'm already pissed off.

We sit for dinner and he lists off "“options” he says we should take into consideration. 1) We wait until we have all our debt paid off before even starting a family, 2) We just go with our original plan of starting in May and run the risk of me getting put on bed rest but having me go to work anyway because we can’t afford me not getting a paycheck, 3) Stick with our plan, run the risk of me getting put on bed rest, losing my paycheck for however long that is and filing bankruptcy and him losing his job because of that (yes, his job can fire him for filing bankruptcy, that’s the joys of working for the gov’t).

I lost it, immediately. I took it as he either is backing out, or he wants to hold off. I flip out. I tell him I want to continue our “plan”. The argument goes on and I end up losing it so badly I tell him that I’ve had it and I don’t want to have kids with him and in fact want to just divorce because I’m sick of him holding me back. I say “at least if we aren’t together I’ll have a real reason for not having a child”. I told him I was done talking and walked away. I told him he needs to have more faith in us and stop worrying about all the “what if’s” because no matter how long we wait/don’t wait, those “what if’s” will always be there. That there will never be a “perfect time” to have a baby. He says he “gets that” but needs me to think about the reality of it. I GET IT. But, people in worse debt/financial situations than us make it work and don’t file bankruptcy.

I took all of what he was trying to talk to me about as he was scared about all the “what if’s”, he says that’s not the case, that he just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page and fully aware of “what we’re getting into and the risks we’re taking”.

I get I completely over-reacted, I wish I didn’t, but I couldn’t stop it. I’m sick of beating myself up every time I do it.

Am I crazy for still wanting to start a family with that much debt? (mind you, we usually always get back at least around $4500/year in tax returns and my company gives us a health insurance reimbursement check every year for whatever our out of pocket premium is which has been around $4700) Our plan was to use all that money towards the credit cards.

I know this is kind of not a BP topic, but I guess in a way it has to do with it because it could just be my Bipolar clouding my judgment of what really would be the smart/right thing to do.

I know you want to have a baby and you are taking all the steps to get ready for this to happen. He does have some points to think about, but I think that it may just get longer and longer in time that you will try possibly. I'm sorry you lost it the way you did. That happens especially when we aren't on our correct medications, which you are weaning off. It's true that people in worse financial positions have babies, a lot of them are surprises, but they do have them. It's hard though, I know that from experience. I do think there will always be what if's. I agree there. I don't think he is trying to back out, he's just thinking of the financial status of your life. It's totally up to you on what you and your husband do. I hope things turn out the way that works for both of you. Know that we care and are here to support you through this. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. I wish you the best of luck! Message me anytime.

Starlite,

I would say that both of you have some very valid points for either position. However, the delivery is the cause of the problem. Your points are just as valid as his and this is a classic case of a man's reasoning versus a woman's reasoning. If you love each other, just sit down and talk about things calmly. Having a baby should be something beautiful, not a reason for anger or tension. Financial arrangement can always be worked out. Just try and agree on a quality of life that you both want, then arrange your life according to that. There are millions of children born into poverty every day, some live happily, some don't...it's all a matter of what you value in life.

Tempest74 what you say is very true...

Starlite

I have no finical security, I am a single Mum, I have three children, my first child born into the world when I was 17 years of age... I have learnt over the many years not to despises the small things in life and to be content in all circumstances, whether I have a little or a lot. It wasn't always like this I had a partner once and he made a very decent living. I was use to having what ever I wanted for myself and for the kids but even with all that money I never had happiness, money cannot buy that. Now I have much, much, much less but have gained so much in what I cannot give in monetary means I make up for in investing in my relationships with my children. They are happy and they are loved and I find a way so they do not have to go without, also saying no to somethings is good for them, it teaches them to value and appreciate more.

I seriously don't think you and your husbands lifestyle will have to change as dramatically as mine did, with clever budgeting and some self placed boundaries and rules to curb the manic spending, just think baby! This will help provide a powerful motivator to reign in the spending, giving hubby some security and knowing you are planning to bring a beautiful bundle of joy into the world! This is just a suggestion if not valid by all means kick it to the curb. Try again, you can start the conversation over, try listening to your husband, try putting yourself in his shoes, validate his concerns, then rise up, a confident wife and mother to be and suggest some ground rules for yourselves to help establish a basis to gain your husbands confidence and faith, men don't have it all together they get scared too.

As a single women raising kids I have come to understand some of the financial pressure a man is under to provide for his family but then add the emotions of a women on top . They really are amazing but very black and white thinkers. You are a women we have the strength and endurance to go the distance we never give up. This is a hurdle you both can climb over together. Bless You Both

Post edited by: lisaellen, at: 03/08/2012 11:03 PM

Post edited by: lisaellen, at: 03/08/2012 11:05 PM

Post edited by: lisaellen, at: 03/08/2012 11:07 PM