Bipolar Type II Support Group

So I’m trying something new here because although I know phrases like “hang in there”, “it will get better” and “it takes time” are said with only the best intentions and that they are valid, they just aren’t working to make me feel better about my current situation. A friend asked me to describe how I feel when I am in a severely depressed mode. When I wrote it out (we we’re instant messaging), I realized it helped a lot! This is what depression feels like to me:

Take the hatred that you have for your worst enemy after they’ve hurt you in the most awful way imaginable and turn it on yourself. Unlike an instant feeling of anger, hurt or sorrow this is more of a long drawn out period similar to mourning. The mood hovers above you so that you know it’s always capable of falling upon you but you have no idea when it’s going to strike and once it does you can’t ever tell when it will let you out of its grasp. It typically lasts 2-4 days but when you are in that state of mind you are sure that you will feel this way for the rest of your life. In addition to not knowing when you’ll be on the other side of the depression, a very convincing voice inside your head tells you that you have/are/and always will feel this way and that it's completely your fault.

If anyone wants to add their description of their own depression, please do. I think it would be helpful to see how others experience downs.

It feels like I am buried in a deep hole or drowning. I keep trying to pull myself out but either keep falling or going under. The more times I sink under the harder it is to keep up the will to try again. I am the same when I am in the throws of depression it feels like it is going to be like that forever even though logically you know you could come out of it in a short period of time.

The business of feeling it will last forever is very familiar to me. When I'm depressed, even a sunny day seems cold and dead, like the sunlight is just there to illuminate how horrible life on earth is. I don't want to bathe and I just don't care. Everybody I meet is superior to me and yet at the same time each person, especially a coworker, is the vehicle for all the unfairness of life. I hate everybody and I hate myself. Even being around my daughter doesn't seem to break through the sadness, and then because I can't seem to break through the sadness when she's with me, I feel selfish and awful for that. That's typical: you feel bad, and then you feel selfish that you feel bad. Everything bad radiates from you.

This is just what I can describe. There's a lot about it which is indescribable.

That was a very good description patrickfrmpa. THank you for sharing it.

That was well put. Thanks for opening up. I know what you mean about the "hang in there"s. It gets old and usually isn't at all helpful. I think you said it eloquently.

Hugs,

Wow! I think all of you put it in a way I could never seem to describe! I appreciate what you all went through to share this with all of us. Reading some of these helped me understand my depression and give a deeper thought into figuring out how it makes me feel. Deepest of thanks!

My depression is like being sad, introverted, alone, a prisoner of my own emotion. No light at the end of the tunnel, no other emotion just deep sadness that is all consuming. Nothing seem worth while because its not going to change. Feeling alone is very strong, can't share it because I feel nobody understands. Sometimes it just comes on and there's no reason, no triggers from the past, no regrets, just inner pain and sadness.

This is how my depression is.

When I am depressed I feel like nobody wants to be around me because they all actually dislike me. That they are only around because of a sense of obligation. Even though I am usually able to continue functioning, working etc., I feel like I am always putting on a mask around other people, even those that have known and loved me for years and years. I feel that if they knew the real me, the sad me, the angry irritated me, that no one would like me or would want to be around me. Heck, I don't even want to be around me! Seems like even my ups are downs lately, been very irritable, with very little urge to create. Hard to see beauty when I feel so dead inside. Thinking of giving medication another shot, last time on antidepressants (Zoloft) I felt so flat, I couldn't stand it so stopped taking them.