Bipolar Type II Support Group

I've noticed that in treatment I tend to really downplay my moods and my negative coping skills.

However, I'm about at my wits end and plan to come clean at my next appointment. I'm seeping back into a deeper depression (than I've experienced in years), despite taking my meds as prescribed, staying away from alcohol, getting enough rest, eating right and trying to be good (no partying, no nsa sex, etc).

Right now it is the kind of depression that allows me to function enough to get by and fool others but it's wearing on me enough that I'm starting down the slippery slope of suicidal ideation. I've not felt any relief in months. I went from hypomanic over the winter, to partially stable to having a serious mixed episode around June and then the depression started leaking in once that began wearing off...

I'm past the point of being sad and I've not cried in... I can't remember when. I only feel a heavy despair and it makes me tired. I almost crave another upswing, just to get out of this for awhile. I am not currently suicidal and have never tried to kill myself but I haven't felt this desperate in a very long time.

And I am petrified of telling my doctor this. I have less than four days, until my monthly appointment, to figure out a way to tell him I've not been fully honest and how desperate I really am right now and how badly I am teetering on the edge... without landing in the hospital. I'm 95% sure it won't happen, but the fear... the fear just makes me loose my voice.

Any suggestions?

Thank you for reading.

I don't think you should be afraid to tell your doctor. Your meds obviously need to be changed and I would ask him if you could see him a bit more often to manage your meds until something works--or even do phone check-ins.

I am really sorry to hear how low you are feeling. I have been there for a long time myself until recently and I know how it feels. But there is a lot of home and a lot of med combinations that can be tried. It took years for me to find the right combo and I just hope this one lasts. But I hope this for you too. Hang in there and know your pdoc is there for you. He can make suggestions but it is up to you to decide if you want to follow them or not.

Hugs,

Janna

Some of us have carried our burdens for a really long time with coping skills that really aren't the best. Yes doing does wear you down. I know this personally, the length of time may vary but the eventuality does not.

I have the same problem of downplaying. In all honesty there is so little caring out there it's an easy habit to get into. It takes a great deal of work to be more self aware and trust.

You just gotta do it if you are to get any help.

I just have a closer relationship with my therapist than my doctor, and I see the therapist more often (weekly) so there is more of a sense of tracking my moods. Both times Ive gone to the (good) psychiatric hospital my therapist has made the call, I can call him more frequently than my doctor, my doctor has odd hours and it takes months to schedule an appointment with her. Trust in some provider enough to tell them when you're not doing well, without downplaying your symptoms especially ideation, is such a crucial thing to have in your arsenal, in my opinion. I hope your trust in your pdoc or in some other provider is at, or gets to, the point where you could tell them anything. I fear going back to the hospital too. Take care, I hope you feel better soon.

Maybe if you start the appt by saying that you need a few extra minutes to discuss how you have been feeling. I'm in Canada and my pdoc is my therapist so I forget that it's not the same elsewhere.

You HAVE to be honest with your pdoc. That's the only way he can help you. If you're not honest, he can't provide you the best treatment to get you out of this. Please be upfront at your next appointment. These pdocs have heard pretty much everything, so there is nothing to be ashamed of telling him. Let us know how it goes.

Hi, I'm sure there's nothing that your pdoc hasn't heard before. You deserve the best possible care and need to be proactive in your mental healthcare or you will continue to suffer with symptoms. I know it is hard to be up front, but I beleive that you can do this. What is your fear in letting your pdoc know where you r coming from. Maybe when you answer that, you will be able to understand why it is hard for you to be up front with your pdoc.

I wish you well at your next appt.

Thank you, everyone.

hunkydorie: Its hard for me because I just plain do not want to keep at this; its been 13 years. Real life doesnt make accomodations for this

sort of stuff.

Additionally, my last pdocs behavior was insane and detrimental to my treatment (well confirmed by my current pdoc). For instance, I shared something with him, a very hard choice I made during a crisis, and he called me a brat and told me to grow up and hung up the phone on me-it was the only time Id ever called him to not just make an appt. In addition to telling me he would fix me (his words) he refused to give other treatment providers names when he broke his leg and couldnt get to his office- he made me meet him in coffee shops to get my meds, he insulted my apearance when I gained some weight, and gave me a tongue lashing when I said I would no longer see him. He took full advantage of me during my most vulnerable state (ever, to this day) and the thought of relinquishing control again is scary as hell to me.

Maybe I should have mentioned this before.

Hi asorto, I'm sorry that you have had that experience. I understand your struggle with being honest with your pdoc. I hope that your current pdoc will treat you with respect and give you the appropriate care you need. Please remember that there r good pdocs still left out there. Best of luck to you and I hope things will get easier for you.

Some people in the medical field can be mentally ill too. As a matter of fact some study mental illness hoping to find some answers for themselves. So you just never know. I am glad you were able to find another doc. Just take it slow and one step at a time and as you see that you can trust you will be able to go a little further each time.

Of course that is simply my experienced and i hope it will be yours as well.