Bipolar Type II Support Group

I don't often post, I do comment on other ppl's but never know where to start to talk about my own probs. but yesterday was a big day for me. I haven't seen my pdoc regularely for quite awhile, she lives 2 hrs away. with 2 out of 3 of my boys needing specialized frequent care, all 2 hrs away and the trips to the childrens hospital 12 hrs away..... for weeks duration.... my own care has long since fallen by the way side. BUT, yesterday I finally went in to touch base, 1st time since May. and like often, we discussed how I would probably benefit from going in patient to get my FREQUENT bouts of hypomania under control. or even my burst of super anxiety. but it usually boils down too, in MY life, with my 12 yr old bipolar son, my 10 yr old who isn't diagnosed, but merely for lack of being assessed but may very well be autistic, and my 3 yr old who is physically ill... WHO WOULDN'T HAVE ANXIETY, and sometimes my hypomania is to my benefit, save the irritation, but it helps me get the job done. AND, where I live, I have no support, no breaks, no friends to help care for my kids, not even for a day, so I CAN'T go in patient. My hubby works full time, who would take care of my babies, they are high demand, high needs, and I am the one who needs to do it. USUALLY that ends the "inpatient" discussion.

This time, after talking about how messed up my meds are, I take lyrica for chronic pain, fibromyalgia, but not rheumatologist diagnosed, my other Dr'ss collaborative decision, I take topimax for my migraines, my pdoc's choice, I take and have taken lamictal for years for my bipolar, again from my pdoc, and it's always been good. but... I swear to god I'm brain dead. I'm always freaking out with anxiety, I have daily melt downs by 4 o'clock where I wanna rip anyones head off for the simplest things. That and all the baclofen I need sometimes, and I'm a walking screeching bitch zombie somedays....

Then there's the fact, nearly a month ago, I decided with my GP, who prescribes me my lyrica, I was going to go off my lyrica.... my chronic pain med. and then due to finances... I wound up not being able to pick up my next batch of meds, normally I would have beg borrowed or steal-ed (bad grammar but you get it) to get it, but I figured, I'm cutting dose anyhow, going to quit anyhow, paying over $200 to pick up 2 weeks..... when I already borrowed money.... I knew it was the wrong thing to do... but I didn't get it. I just took my pills at home, and took them once a day for 10 days, and then was going to quit. WELL, apparently I was on a REALLY high dose, and having done that, made me have a mental break down. EVEN THOUGH it's my chronic pain med, not my psych med. all 3 of my meds are anti convulsants and are now so twisted together in the functions of my brain, that I cant seem to do anything with out all 3 coming into play. BUT, if I hadn't already been hospitalized before years ago, for all the symptoms of what I went through in those 2 weeks, I swear to god, I would have been terrified I was going schizophrenic. I was terrified anyhow.

So now, my PDoc has put me on the wait list to go inpatient, which apparently she doesn't even do anymore. great. so I would need to meet another pdoc, to convince to let me out again..... GREAT.

So I leave, I'm on the list to go in, I message my mom, and what do I get??? She will see..... she will talk to me when I get home.... she MIGHT be able to help me..... :O wow. I mean, I'm not begrudging my mom her own life at all, heck she has had her own life, my whole life hahaha. I was just shocked, and now Im kind of lost. I don't know if I'm going to go in or not, I don't know what I'm doing, don't know how to do, what I don't even know I'm supposed to do. I just need to keep faking it through the day, pasting the smile, fighting back the psycho snaps that try to burst out, hiding the tears that pour down my face without notice... and pray to god that I sleep some what regularly, and hope when my hubby goes to graveyards, I don't go wholly and completely manic, or have my first paranoid psychosis that I CAN'T identify reality through, since I was 14.

I love my babies, I have never been unable to care for them, this is killing me to feel this awful, but I really don't know how much longer I can keep it together.....

Post edited by: BlackLamb80, at: 08/29/2011 03:01 PM

Remember God does not give you anything you cannot handle and will hold you through the tough times to give you a chance to trust in Him. I have no advise for you and sympathize with you. I just prayed for you and your family and will continue to do so. Take care, on day, one hour, one minute at a time.

Thank you very much, I really do appreciate your care, and consideration. At times I do wish, I wasn't so calloused towards spirituality, because I do know it is a great source of strength to many who suffer. but that's an aspect of life I turned my back on long ago due to a very complicated warped and unhealthy development regarding the whole matter. But I have no cynicism what so ever for those with faith, nor am I a non believer, I just wish it helped me, but it doesn't. Although, knowing someone cares enough to try for me does in some way. So, thank you. I appreciate your efforts on my behalf. I do believe on day at a time is quite a stretch and am much more the one hour or minute at a time sort myself lol. take care.

Ha ha, I will still pray for you. I hope one day God can help you past those past barriers, because the God I know is a loving God. People screw with the love Christ offers by doing things I can only image happened to you.

What you are going through now, I haven't had it that bad... there have been days when I really did live minute to minute hoping the next minute or hour would get better, literaly having my life in my hands ready to go. Mix those days in with chronic pain and the other health issues I have... I feel your pain and for some reason feel very troubled for you. Please don't give up on anything.. no matter what you feel, tomorrow is a new day and there are people that love and depend on you to be you.

Sending good thoughts your way. We DO care and are here for you to vent anytime. I wish you all the best.

Oh BlackLamb,

My heart goes out to u!What a difficult situation!Can you explain to your mom what a dire situation you are in,and how much you need her right now?You need to get well for yourself and the children.

In 2009,i had to go inpatient,due to i was completly our of it w/ postpartum phycosis.My husband took me to the er,i was put on a 51/50.

I had to leave all 4 children behind,including an 8 week old baby!

Thank God my mom flew out and helped me.Talk to your mother,if u can,tell her how serious this is.I wish you all the best!Sending prayers your way.PM me any time if you need too

as someone with BP who was raised by a mother with undiagnosed and unmedicated BP (well, they gave her Prozac when it first came out...you can imagine how that went) i want you to keep in mind that getting yourself better is the best thing for your kids. you have such a heavy burden and it's important that you take the time for yourself. being a caregiver is going to add extra weight to your load.

i hope your mom comes to her senses. i too hate to ask anyone for anything...but this is your LIFE.

not praying for you but you are in my thoughts!

Post edited by: BlackLamb80, at: 08/29/2011 02:57 PM