Bipolar Type II Support Group

I've been reading all these posts about how people have a supportive spouse, and they don't know where they'd be without them. We all feel alone-that's part of our disease. But I have made it a reality in my life, and it feels horrible. I am sitting here, alone, on New Year's Eve, no calls, no texts, from anyone. The same could be said on my birthday. I did have a couple pretty good friends, who were aware of my illness and seemed ok with it. But when some horrible things happened in my life earlier this year, they were not there for me. I felt abandoned, which is a huge trigger because, among other things, I am adopted. So I basically ended the friendships. Literally, I have my therapist, of whom I've been seeing for 17 years, and my grandmother. The person of whom I chose to be my son's father is a loser, and I knew it at the time, but I wanted to be loved so badly I didn't care. He left when my son was a month old. He refuses to pay his child support, and only calls once a year, to yell at me. Another thing is that I feel so worthless. I have ADD, as well as BPII and Borderline PD. I am completely unorganized, my house is always a mess, I am constantly losing things, I always feel agitated and irritated. I feel so guilty that I allow my house to look as it does for my son. You can't get into another room without tripping over something. I spent 5 hours cleaning today, and it still looks like a tornado hit. I can't stand it. But when I look at the mess and start to think about how to organize, I start to get agitated-my body tenses, my head throbs, and I just get angry. Sometimes I can push through it sometimes I can't. I feel so worthless. My parents think of me as a burden, as they continue to financially assist me. I am about to start school next Monday. I tested into English honors, which means more work. My dad told me I wouldn't be able to do it, which fuels me more to succeed. But then I think, what if he's right? What if this is just a crazy dream of mine, that I will eventually sabotage, as I have many, many times before. I want to succeed, for my son. He is only 3, and I want to be someone he can admire. I am the only one here for him, and I can't let my diseases get in the way. But they have so many times before. Can any one relate? Maybe I just need to see that I am not alone. That other people fight just as hard to keep their head somewhat above water.

I can definitely relate to what you are going through from the self-sabotage, to the housework and even though they are grown, I have been there done that with my kids too.

It isn't always easy but I just try not to be too hard on myself. I think you are doing an amazing job raising a 3 year old by yourself and dealing with your disorders. I get almost the same physical symptoms that you describe when it comes to housework. I've started just saying the hell with it. If it takes me all day to clean one room then so be it. Life goes on.

Hang in there. You're not alone.

Colleen

I can relate to what you said as well. I am extremely messy, have a bedroom that looks like hell and no relationships outside of family. MDJunction can help with the lonliness. I have made friends here and do not feel as lonely now. Keep on coming back and post and respond to posts and you will make friends too.

Well my house is inshambles too. I have a 4month old and I fear the fears that you have to. Will my disease interfere withh the raising of my child. The only plus side is that I have my wife who is all there. I wish you luck in school and may you proof your dad wrong and prosper.

I have the same worries about succeding in life and wanting my son to be proud to have a father like me. Theres not a day that goes by that I don't think about wondering if I will make in life. Just try and take it one day at a time and think of the positive things in life that you have going for yourself.

Jaybp2, you are making it in life. You are taking care of your son. Don't be so down on yourself. Your situation is temporary but even if it wasn't your son will be proud that you were there for him.

I try and tell myself the same thing, but I always have these negative thoughts running through my mind. Everyone else I talk to can see the good things in my life except me, and its driving me crazy. My cousin told me he was really proud of me when met during new years, and I just couldn't figure out why, I guess it's just hard to see these things when your feeling down.

I can relate to that. I tend to ruminate-sometimes even invent-all the negative things that I have or am currently doing or feeling. Even if I let myself think a positive thought about myself, it is quickly taken over with a "but...". It's as if I like to torture myself. Jay, you are already ahead of the pack, as you are there for your son, you are aware of your problem and are getting help, and you seem to have a good support system. That's a good foundation, and lot more then most!