Bipolar Type II Support Group

Well, I got the results back from my ammonia test last week and it turns out it was the Depakote raising my ammonia levels, so my pdoc took me off of it and put me on Tegretol on Friday. I take it 3 times a day and it is a chewable tablet, which does not taste very good. The morning dose doesn't seem to affect me much, but the afternoon and evening doses both make me sleepy, which is a side effect, so needless to say I have been catching up on missed sleep this weekend.

I went to the library yesterday and checked out a book written by a pdoc about his first year as an intern in a county hospital psychward in the "ghetto" of L.A. It was one of those books that you can't put down I read a 250 page book in less than 2 days...if you knew me you'd know this rarely happens.

The thing about this book or the meds or just my mind I am not sure maybe it was a combination of all 3 things, but my mind is caught up in this swirl of thought. I keep thinking about how comforting the psychward really is to those who are mentally ill...if you find the right place. I have found that place and for some reason I am yearning to curl up on one of those wooden framed mattress only beds regardless of the light shining ever in my eyes every 15 minutes as the techs do their "checks". I long for the security of the locked door and the predictability of a routine. To know that there are doctors and nurses there if I need them, but mostly to be safe from whatever it is that seems to "haunt" me. I will go into my day treatment program tomorrow and hopefully be able to share these feelings with one of the therapists there. I feel like it would just be nice to check myself in tomorrow to protect me from me...does that make sense? Somehow it is me I fear and the only place I know I can be truly safe from myself is in the hospital.

It's good that they found out the Deprakote was causing your ammonia levels to raise. My son is on Tegretol and it works well for him. It keeps him up at night, so he's opposite and takes most of his dose in the morning. There are often times when I feel the same way you do regarding going to the psych unit. There's a safe feeling there. I do my best to avoid it, but when I get real down, I think about it - or when my husband and I do not see eye-to-eye, I start thinking about it. I'll even go over a list of what I need to pack in case I do go. I haven't broken down and gone since last year, but I'm ready if I need to. It comforts me to be ready... just in case.

That is good that you found out about your med and changed it.

It is nice to have a safe place to be when all this depression hits.

Its good that you found out about the meds.

And yes, the rest makes sense, locked door, doctors and nurses make us all feel safer. Even when the person we need protecting from is living inside your skin.

BTW, I wanted to ask what was the book and who was the author. I read as a coping and escape mechanism, and am always looking for something new to read!!!

You are so right, the hospital can be a refuge if you end up in the "right" one. I thought all hospital experiences were bound to be torture until my last hospitalization. The place I ended up was GREAT, I cannot rave about them enough. The staff was wonderful, the structure was perfect, and they helped me back on my feet in ways the other hospitals didnt. Sometimes I yearn for the comfort of locked doors like you said, but there is nothing better than freedom when you have the control to manage yourself. Those times are little gifts, because we are not meant to be locked up. Enjoy your freedom when you can, but it seems like you know when the hospital would be appropriate to keep you safe, and that is a step ahead of many others.....

I ended up going to the hospital last Monday afternoon directly from my partial hospitalization program. I spent the whole of last week there getting new meds and stabilizing. The place I went was new to me and was AMAZING!!! It was so wonderfully supportive and structured, safe and refreshing. I met some really great people and when I was stable and feeling well I was able to offer some support and hope to others in there with me.

The book I mentioned in my initial post is called "Psychward" and it is written by Stephen B. Seager, M.D.

Good to hear you got to feel safe, that is sooo important when we feel vulnerable. Yay.

It is so good that you are keeping up the fight for your treatment. For me, I know some days are just awful and scary, I wish I could tell my brain not to go there.

I am glad I am in treatment and that I am getting tools to be safe. I am starting to notice the difference in my actions now that I have been doing the CBT and breathing for four months. I have been doing three hours combined therapy/group. My therapist is working on my traumatic life issues, scared of all the intense feelings.

Good to hear from you, thanx for keeping us updated. (hugs)

That's great! I'm glad you had a good experience there. It sounds like you had a lot of support.