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03/30/2011 01:03 PM

Scared to speak my mind

curiousqueen
curiousqueen  
Posts: 42
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In my teens I was on my own. I left home and lived in a 2 parent 6 kids(other than me) home where drugs and partying was the norm.

My rage was easily sparked and many people were scared of me due to my mouth. The only physical fight I was ever in outside of the house was an ambush, New Years morning and the B put her knee in my back while I was passed out and slapped me. Then ran away. And she was a scrapper!!! From a family of scrappers!

Needless to say I got pregnant at 18 and changed my life. I didn't want my son to know life like that so i held my temper. I moved to Myrtle beach at 22 and for 5 yrs I was a nice even tempered person. The Biploar was getting worse(undiagnosed) and I held it all in. Now I'm having trouble standing up for myself.

I don't trust myself. Is my reaction based on a real problem to be addressed or am I super sensitive Bipolar? And even when the problem is real I'm afraid to address it because I have so much pent up rage. I'm afraid to go too far. How do I find the line?

I was a royal B in my teens and I could make anything happen that I wanted because I refused to accept any less. As a nice person i get screwed over and walked on. Where is the line? Help!!!!

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03/30/2011 01:13 PM
redphoenix
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I was also reckless in my teens. I threatened (very seriously) to run away. Like you I had somewhere to go where there weren't many rules and I could party all of the time. I finally settled down and made it to college where life was much different and great for me. Sometime after college I had my first depression. I didn't know I was bp at the time... Just thought it was a major depression. Reflecting back on it, I definitely had some hypomania during college. I just didn't know what it was at the time. Life was good.

I felt like I could talk to anybody and conquer anything that came my way... kind of invincible. Now fast forward almost 20 years and I feel like I've become a dependent wimp. I curl up at the least bit of controversy... I can't handle it. I keep my opinions to myself... again not like I used to be. I don't know what the meds are controlling anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what is bp related or just my real personality emerging (and I don't like this new personality). I've lost my spunk and vivaciousness and I struggle with that everyday.


03/30/2011 03:23 PM
llb
llb  
Posts: 217
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I think a scrapper is someone that is a good fighter. Or fights alot.

03/30/2011 03:48 PM
Joy75
Joy75  
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I'm an Advocate

Are you diagnosed now and are you on any medications? This would help greatly with your troubles. It sounds like you have trained yourself to be nice. I'm scared if you let it go, you will blow up on someone because you have it pent up inside of you. Therapy can help you for sure. They give you coping mechanisms. I used to have many people walk all over me when I was younger. I was very quiet, never saying anything to offend anyone. That was until I was in a car accident and put on antidepressants. I changed quite a bit. Said anything I wanted to and came out of my shell. I guess that was a little hypo-mania talking. It changed me though to be more asserive. I've learned to be that way without going overboard. Speaking up is hard for a lot of people. It can be a lot to do with self esteem. I would suggest therapy and seeing a psychiatrist and getting on medications if you are not on them. Life doesn't have to be this way. My anger is gone now that I'm on an anti-psychotic. I hope it gets better for you really soon.

03/31/2011 07:29 AM
RickEJ
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I'm an Advocate

I had to learn to speak up for myself. I used to but really it was alot of talk and that was a long time ago. Aftr therapy I do better in confrontations and standing up for myself.

Now its more political like at work. I don't have any rage left and better self esteem than I did when I was younger. I do however think BPII can cause all sorts of emotional issues without the right medication. I can go from superman to a wimp in no time at all.

I'm trying to get stable now and its been a really emotional time for me. No rage though.


03/31/2011 08:17 AM
curiousqueen
curiousqueen  
Posts: 42
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RedPhoenix- Thank you! It makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone in this. We can pass tips along to each other! I have no intention of not finding where I need to be. I made the choice to seek help and I promised myself that I would see it through. It's the constant questioning of myself that is the problem more than anything. I've survived on instinct and intuition for years.Forgot to mention that I too went to college, while pregnant, with no help from the father. If I can do that scared at 18 I'll be Da^*ed if I can't do it nowShocked

MIssHildy-I watch people as well, closely. I have pinpointed a few people's actions before they visibly made a decision to act. We actually used to make a game of it. Go to a bar/beach and sit in a place where you can see almost everyone. If you actually pay attention you can read people pretty well. you can call fights, who's into who (like a girl/boy who's in love with their friends bf/gf)and so many other things. It's like any learned trait. If you try you can do it. My early survival relied on my ability to read a very unpredictable drunk. I learned at a very young age to trust my instincts. When I didn't it was always a horrible ending. And I would not have made it this far if I didn't believe my gut feelings(no matter how out of place they may seem)Right now it is the therapy and the meds along with a few bad choices made in a manic state that have me confused now. And yes, a scrapper is a person who fights often, usually dirty, and is very good at it!

Joy75 -I am diagnosed bpII, PTSD and Dysthemia. My meds are listed in my signature, but today I'm scheduled for a med change. Don't be scared for me. I have a heavy dose of self preservation running through my veinsWink I'm glad that you have found your line, for standing up for yourself. My anger and rage will not be fixed by a pillSad I've been in therapy for 6 months now and it will take a very long time to work through my rage. I have to be able to look at the horrors of my childhood from an adult perspective. And that is really hard to do. I am a mother and CANNOT FATHOM doing the things to a child that was done to me.

RickEJ-ThanksSmile I'm working on the meds! Getting stable sucks!! LOL


03/31/2011 04:13 PM
redphoenix
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Curious, sounds like you truly are a strong person. There's no doubt that you will find your way. Keep me posted on your progress.

04/01/2011 09:27 AM
curiousqueen
curiousqueen  
Posts: 42
Member

Funny thiNg is I'm strong out of having to be. There was no choice before now. My strength wavers often. But here is my views on the subject. My father broke the cycle of abuse(physical, mental and sexual) after generations of it in the family. I broke the cycle of a child being unsure if they were loved. My son is proof. If you can break a cycle generations in the making, you can do anything, and my dad was a POS.

My mother reads ANn Rule books. Serial Killers, etc. And most of their childhoods mirror mine. And I had the cold hatred to be that. Devil But I wanted more than what I saw. More than what I had always known. It has taken me years to turn my hatreds, fears and angst into a positive in some way. I try to convince myself i forgive my abusers. I don't but I wish I could. FOR MY BENEFIT ONLY. I can't wallow or I'll die. By my own hand. And I know this to the base of my soul. This site is a godsend. Because when i waver i have all of you to help me. I have only ever found 2 people who think like me(and I know how rare and lucky that is) But HERE i find tons of people. I find strength in the little things to bolster me in the big things.


04/01/2011 10:38 AM
Moonbaby
Moonbaby  
Posts: 577
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It is a blessing to be able to talk to people who "just get it". I don't feel so alone or so weird. As to breaking the cycle of generations of abuse I am right there with you. I was terrified of the rage I had held in for so long. I really felt like I wouldn't be able to deal with it if I let it bubble up to the top of my emotions/thinking. A lot of therapy helped me deal with it. It was scary accepting that part of me and the reasons I felt that way but little by little it happened. I don't stand up for myself like I should. I hate controversy. I am slowly learning that it is necessary sometimes and is the healthy thing to do. Still working on it.

04/01/2011 01:11 PM
dizzyb
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curios, I'd just like to respond to the part about rage. Rage is a CLASIC symptom of hypomania. Yes, therapy is very helpful, I found it a great tool in gettin well. But I have to say that the right meds will definitely make a difference, It CAN go away.

I used to get into rages where I'd punch holes through doors, use myself as a punching bag. AS soon as I found the right meds, it was better. Really, I promise that the day after I started meds I calmed dwn and after about a week I just didn't have those rages anymore. That was over 3 years ago and I've never had on e since. Sure, I get angry and want to blow my top. But it's shortlived and very mild.

You can and will get through this. In the meantime, as moonbaby says, we all get it and are here for you Smile

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