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03/14/2011 04:35 AM

The biggest loser

dizzyb
dizzyb  
Posts: 4328
VIP Member

Yup, that would be me. I've lost my car, my job, my stability, my confidence. Only thing that I haven't lost is a huge depression and the ability to sleep really well. I've never been a good sleeper but man! it's my greatest talent right now. I've lost the ability to do more than just read posts every day. I don't feel confident enough or part of the group enough to comment. I've lost that as well.

So Fri I had a few drinks, then again on Saturday, then again on Sunday, basically had a non stop social weekend. The company was good but the drinking was not. And while I'm coming clean, I took some of my friend's ADD medication. We partied on it on the same buzz as cocaine, for the whole weekend. Talk about a binge. Responsible? not! Loser? right!

I'm trying to get my meds right and have to go in for blood tests at 8 am on a MOnday. Today was a write off. Last week I had stomach flu. The week before I waas so depressed I couldn't even take my child to school. So my Lithium probably needs to be increased but pdoc can't do anything until he has the blood work. I need to get to the hospital at 8 am on a MOnday. THE most stressful thing to do ... wake up early, then sit in traffic for half an hour .... then wait at the hospital for however long. Right now getting out the house is difficult.

It's getting worse, going downhill. Definitely the biggest loser!!!!

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03/14/2011 05:24 AM
mem4809

There must be a solution and you have to put yourself in the hands of doctors and therapists right now. Your meds can't be right so so you must not blame yourself for this depression and it's effects since you are so depressed right now. Please hang in there, your posts are always so helpful. This site is for the good and the really rough times too. Don't be so hard on yourself but don't expect to find a solution on your own. Be honest with your doctors. Maybe you need inpatient right now?

Hugs,

Janna


03/14/2011 06:10 AM
llb
llb  
Posts: 223
Member

Dizzyb, You are not a loser. Just hang on and keep fighting the fight. Take baby steps. We need your input on this site. It is important to us. We are here for you. You are not alone. I understand about the drinking. Hell. Your mind needed a break from the pain. We understand. Get to the dr., do your blood work. etc. Take the baby steps...God bless you.

03/14/2011 06:51 AM
InvisibleMe
InvisibleMe  
Posts: 3203
Senior Member

Hang in there Dizzy, like the others said, we need you and we are here for you. Keep posting. Please put your mental health in the hands of the doctors. You have to trust them to know what to do. <<HUGS>>

03/14/2011 07:15 AM
Coskin
Coskin  
Posts: 153
Member

Dizzyb, I know it is very difficult right now. Until you have your medications adjusted you are going to be swimming in murky dangerous waters, please "keep on swimming" even though right now you feel the exhaustion of the fight, You Can Do This! You are a fighter. When our brain chemistry is out of whack the thoughts of discouragement and regret overwhelm us. Our thoughts are no base on reality but on chemical imbalance. "Don't believe everything you think" you tell us that every time you post. remember? That little phrase keeps lighting my way many times. You are always there for us, even when you can't post. God bless you sweetie. We love you, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep on posting

03/14/2011 07:32 AM
redphoenix
redphoenix  
Posts: 1192
VIP Member

Don't beat yourself up so much. We all have our weaknesses. I can totally understand what you did this weekend, you escaped. I want to escape. I can't drink, it makes me sick now. I used to party constantly... drink pretty much every night. It made everything go away. Once I started on Geodon, drinking made me sick. I guess that's a good thing or I'd still be drinking like that, and I wouldn't have to feel as much. I hope the depression gets better. It's such a dark, scary place. I hope the lithium boost will help. I keep telling myself that at some point something's got to give. I just has to.

03/14/2011 09:47 AM
dizzyb
dizzyb  
Posts: 4328
VIP Member

Thanks everyone for caring and the encouraging words. I am going to really make an effort tomorrow to get moving. Am a bit hypomanic this evening, but trying to keep it in control until my daughter is asleep.

03/14/2011 01:56 PM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16712
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

You are not a loser. You are having a hard time right now and you don't feel good. Your self esteem is down in the gutter. When you get your blood tests done, I hope he raises the Lithium for you and it helps you out of this depression. You have been there too long. What you did this weekend was not good, but it's over and done with. It probably made you feel worse. Keep yourself in check when this thing happens. I'm glad you did have fun though even if it wasn't the right thing to do for your mental health. Hang in there because this medication can have a positive affect on you if it gets raised. I hope it does. Be strong and keep going. I know it's hard, but you must for yourself and Emma. Make sure you get to that hospital and get those blood tests done. I hope you can feel better soon. I'm here if you need me. Love you

03/19/2011 07:30 AM
dizzyb
dizzyb  
Posts: 4328
VIP Member

so with being depressed and not able to move, I still haven't been to see the doc. It's a bit of a mission cos the only time I can have my blood taken is 8 am on a Mon. This Monday is a public holiday so I'm going to try and get in to see pdoc on Wed. In the meantime I am a depressed vegetable. Have no motivation to do anything, only got out of bed at 2.15 this afternoon. Been vaguely ok the last few days, could at least get out of bed to get my daughter to school. Never mind that I got back in to have a nap in the day Sad I'm so tired of being depressed, I wish I could have a life.

And I'm so lonely. My circle of friends decreased to almost no one due to the effects of the BP. So everyone's doing family things, having barbeques, at the beach with friends, but here I am with just my daughter and me. I am grateful for what I have but my heart gets sore being so alone all the time.

I'm having a rough time financially (what's new) and need to find a job asap. I feel like I need a miracle. I'm just so sad.


03/19/2011 12:29 PM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16712
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

I really hope you get in to see the psychiatrist on Wednesday. He will be able to help you. Something has to be done about this. Your medications are obviously not working for you. I understand not having any motivation to do anything. I was there just a few weeks ago. I'm glad you were able to get your daughter to school. That's okay that you got into bed afterwards, you needed it. I'm so sorry about your circle of friends. I hope when you feel better you rejoin them again. I know about having a hard time financially too. You need to get a job though I do know this. Try to fill out applications when you do feel okay. I'm sorry you are so sad. This is one of the downfalls of bipolar. I hope you can get your medications to work for you and bring you out of this depression. I will pray for you. Love you and want the best for you.
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