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03/04/2011 11:25 PM

I'm a mess!!!!!!

Perseverance
Perseverance  
Posts: 149
Member

It seems like as soon as I start to feel good, I fall back down!!!!!

Geting better forces me to see the mess Ive made of my life, and it is sooooo hard to cope with!!!

How do I get better & deal with all this without running away?

I just want to sleep or hide it away!!!! I AM SOOOOO Sad!!!!1

Man Ive swrewed up my life!!!!

~Perserverence

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03/05/2011 12:14 AM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16595
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

I think everyone has screwed up sometime or another. Concentrate on fixing it. Start small and work your way from there. Take baby steps toward your fixing things. Make goals and slowly fulfill them. You don't have to do everything at once. That will make you overwhelmed. Running won't make them go away, facing them will. I hope that you can find the courage to do this. You are a strong person and I know that you can do this. We will be right here with you the whole time. We care very much and will see you through it all. I hope you can feel better soon. Look at things one at a time.

03/05/2011 02:18 AM
mem4809

It sounds like you still need med changes to help stabilize your moods, once that starts you can start to repair things and grow from there. Hang in there.

Janna


03/05/2011 02:36 AM
mem5462

One day I woke up and asked myself how I got here. So odd. I worked my hardest to do everything I did and yet I found myself without work and bad experiences with family/friends.

In this therapy and support group we are working on goals so work and social/emotional are clearly my two major goals. The biggest thing is doing what I need to for myself and talking to others about it. I am not ready to work yet, my therapist says I need to finish my classes and rest now. I want to pay family back, but she's right, I can't handle it, I need to wait until I can do the work and then I can pay family pack as I can.

I think the hardest thing is my depression. My therapist says that my depression is telling me I am bad for having these problems. I worry and get negative. I fail before I even start because if the negative self talk.

Now I have been working on keeping a list of my goals for the week with pictures I like. I assigned each day of the week to work on one of the goals. Visualizing what I am doing that day is very important, I see myself doing it and how I want it to go. It really helps, to see myself talking to people, see myself doing work. Also sitting quietly telling myself and visualizing who I am in a positive way, work wise and other wise.

Let us know how it goes


03/05/2011 03:55 AM
InvisibleMe
InvisibleMe  
Posts: 3203
Senior Member

Getting better is a great thing, and I'm glad you're on your way to stability. I can't tell you how many times I've looked back at my life and cried since I've become more stable. It's very humiliating and painful. It does sound like you might need your meds tweaked some to help you deal with the depression. Try very hard to live in the present because we cannot change our past. It's over and done. We have to move on and find out how we can make our present a lovely place to live in and belong. You deserve to be happy despite your past.

03/05/2011 07:07 AM
willowwisp
Posts: 421
Member

I see from your signature that you are still on a relatively low dose of Lamictal... and still titrating up. it is a good drug, and it takes time. you will slowly feel better as you go. It will not happen over night. I started on it in august... and I'm up to 300 mgs... and it was really slow stairsteps up.. to feel better. still not completely there.. and sometimes the progress is so slow, you don't recognize it, until you look back 6 months, and realize how much better you truly are. So... give that sometime before you start mixing around your meds. Just keep telling the doctor how you feel, where your moods are at... and follow his instructions.. for a while..

But... you don't have to wait to fix your life until your meds are right.. or even until your moods are better. I've been in intensive therapy since July, and there is a very BIG blessing in your worst moods... when you are MOST depressed, it seems as though you have a heightened ability to tap into the deepest hurts in your life. it was during my deepest depression that I was able to tap into the pain of some of my abandonment, and emotional abuse as a child.. and that has proven to be extremely valuable.

I think that most people who have what I will call surface issues.. like not being able to hold down a job... drug issues... rage... etc... really have these deep down emotional issues that have been around since they were babies... and I believe that the best way to fix those major surface issues, is to attack those deep down emotional issues.. or at least that has been my experience. I don't think people can do that on their own.. it takes a good therapist.. a commitment, and a lot of hard work...

So, perhaps you should try hitting it from that end too...

Anyway.. just my thoughts, experience, and opinion...

Post edited by: willowwisp, at: 03/05/2011 07:11 AM


03/05/2011 10:49 AM
jlemom34
jlemom34  
Posts: 170
Member

I notice you Albert Einstein quote in your signature...I LOVE IT! It seems that is very reflective of your life right now. Focus on the fix...not the mess or how it was made. You won't make those same mistakes again, so there is no sense dwelling on them. Perservere!

03/05/2011 03:21 PM
hedap
 
Posts: 2012
Senior Member

Hi Perserverance,

Sorry you're in pain right now. We all grow and evolve over the years. Just bc of things in your past, does not mean you cannot be the person you were meant to be. We accept friends apologies all the time, so why not be as kind to ourselves and say, Ok but now in the future I know I can do better.

Hang in there. Work with your doc on getting stabilized. And most of all don't punish yourself, probably many things were caused by the bp anyway.....

hugs to you,

heather


03/05/2011 03:44 PM
willowwisp
Posts: 421
Member

I love that, Heather.. what a beautiful sentiment.. ""ok, but now in the future I know I can do better"...

03/11/2011 10:35 AM
Perseverance
Perseverance  
Posts: 149
Member

You all are sooooo wonderful and kind with your words, I can thank you all enough! You all made me cry, but happy tears!

Your right, I am getting better, and I can see it, & its only going to continue as I get my medications at the proper doses. I was just at a really low place that day & having a hard time coping.

Ive been taking your advice & focusing on the baby steps instead of the big picture, and its helping Smile

I'm so glad I found you all, and couldnt be more grateful for all of your encouraging words! Thanks you!

~Perseverance

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