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05/24/2010 04:23 AM

New trying to find some support

alstin
alstinPosts: 13
Member

Hi everyone my name is Kristin. I have had so many ups and downs in my life (literally). I have bipolar disorder II. I am 26 years old and worry sometimes that I am going maniac. Its not a good feeling anymore when I am happy. It's oh my god am I too happy? I am in constant check of myself. Have to ask my friends and my boyfriend if I seem "normal." I am constantly trying to show everyone I am doing great and I am no longer that person that did so many odd things. It's a constant struggle if/ when I do visit home. People from my small ass town knew how sick I was or how I went to psych wards. I dont like going home, I dont like the fear of running in to someone from high school and hear their snickers behind my back..."She the one who went to the nut house." I hate that. Nut house, really? It's sad that everything I did when I was sick no one seem to help. Everyone seemed to think it was funny. I am "mentally stable" now and haven't had an occurence in about two years but it is a constant fear of mine that will go maniac again or get in to one of my depressed states again. Is there ever any balance or can I honestly feel happy again without thinking...oh no I am going maniac? Someone anyone out there understand?
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05/24/2010 06:13 AM
mem7478

Yup, I understand that feeling too. Am I TOO happy?? Really, I am just starting to question that. Because for along time that was my normal and i thought i was just happy and i was told for many yrs i was not biploar, so i thought this is just how i am and normal. Well, now i know it is not good to be up that far and am getting my meds straightened out here and don't feel that UP anymore which is weird for me but at least WE know the difference now. Anyways, I know you said you are worried about what the people at home are thinking/saying. I felt like too. And wonder why no one stepped in and helped me. But would talk about how screwed up i was. Well, i am older now 43-so those things don't affect me so much anymore. But they use to.Some people just don't understand or are ignorant. I now try to surround myself with the people i chose to. The people i trust and it is a small circle but it is ok today. I also for many yrs wanted to show everyone especially my family- look i am ok/normal that was very important for me. It was my ego. I feel like i had a stigma about my mental illness. But i am trying to really accept it now and give myself a break. We all have been through so much. I think we need to take it easy on ourselves and accept that we have a real medical issue that we have to take care of-it is not a moral issue. We are not bad just sick-because we have a chemical imbalance. Anyways, i know i am going on and on here. just trying to help. I hope i made some sense here. I am not a professional just another person with bipolarII. I wish you all the best. Hugs

05/24/2010 08:52 AM
RickEJ
RickEJ  
Posts: 7367
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

I never thought about it until I was diag. with BPII

Now I do the same thing and constantly check my moods.

One thing that might help is get a mood chart and start charting your moods. Its a great tool that I used for a few years. You can actually see cycles and ups and downs and levels they are at. I know when I'm too happy/manic because I talk and can't shut up..lol

I have always been odd and I just chock that up to being me Smile I have been odd so long it would be out of character for me not to. I try not to read too much into my emotions anymore I check them and adjust as I need to and if I can't I go to the pdoc for a tweak.

Your not alone thats for sure Silly


05/24/2010 09:11 AM
Joy75
Joy75  
Posts: 16593
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

I answered in your other post. Hope you feel better!! Hugs

05/24/2010 09:29 AM
mem7478

Like what RickEJ wrote-i have that same prob. when iam manic i can't shut up. I drive my boyfriend crazy.LOL. And i clean obsessively. Just like today. Ahhh O! Time to chill out some before picking up the kid.

05/24/2010 05:08 PM
jenigood1
jenigood1  
Posts: 3311
Senior Member


05/25/2010 11:35 AM
MissStacey
MissStacey  
Posts: 14845
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I'm an Advocate

WelcomeGroup

05/25/2010 11:47 AM
venusenvynyc
venusenvynyc  
Posts: 1352
Senior Member

Hi, Kristin! I also struggle with enjoying my happy times because I'm worried about whether I might be "too happy." Knowing the downswings have a chemical cause wasn't scary- it was kind of a relief. However, applying the same logic to my good moods is no fun. I just try not to drive myself too crazy worrying - I just check in with myself when I sense that I'm getting carried away.

About visiting the town you grew up in... something that helped me a lot was stopping to think of the place where I grew up as "home." Home is the place where I have chosen to live the past 8 years, not the place where I went to high school. It doesn't matter what the people in the town I grew up in think about me. I don't choose to make them part of my life any more.


05/25/2010 12:05 PM
Tommy100
Tommy100  
Posts: 903
Senior Member

Hi There! Welcome to our family. Laughing

My attitude to any one is.Take it or leave it. I don`t hide it at all and tell those interested or not immediately. What they chose to make of it is their problem.

Must say i like the its my home idea, its a nice "adult" approach.

The ones that talk behind your back are childish twits that do not need your attention.

Embrace your life, youth, beauty, chance of living a better life with the med`s. Because you only have one chance.

Hugs.

Tommy.


05/28/2010 06:14 PM
jjdrayton
jjdrayton  
Posts: 42
Member

Hi and welcome,

Just to add to the chorus of support I too feel both the concern about my moods and the fear of seeing people who knew me when I was "crazy".

One thing that is really helping me lately is to try and tell myself that my value comes from within. This sounds cheesy and/or obvious to some I guess... But lately I realized that for so long my sense of self worth has come from the way others perceive me. Which just puts so much pressure on myself to always be aware of how I'm being around them (because if I'm not perfect they won't like me). Anyway, I haven't fully succeeded at this, but it is helping me at least.

Take care

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