Bipolar Type II Support Group

When I look back at my life I can see definitive cycles every one to two years in terms of my life. Cycles of highs and lows. Cycles of losing everything and cycles of having more than most. In three months I turn 50 and I am so tired of saying, “Ok this time it will be different, I will be smarter, I will not take so many risks, I can overcome this depression if I just workout more and have a positive attitude.” I’m tired of having great friends only to have them go away over time due to manic episodes. As I sit here today I am at a crossroads. The last month has been off the charts with mixed episodes and rapid cycling. I realize I am not getting better, but worse. Death is always knocking at my door, yet I look at my children and remember what it was like when my father gone and would not want them to suffer. On the other hand I feel sub-par as a human. I am sure it is due to the stigma that mental illness carries.

I am considering going into a hospital to see if they can help me, although not having insurance I don’t even know if that is an option. I just know I cannot continue with the ‘this time will be different’ song I have been singing for over forty years. As humans we do more to avoid pain than we do to gain pleasure, I am at the point where the pain is overwhelming. Hope is fleeting, dreams are dissolving. I have so many fears about stepping out and dealing with this.

I also realize that if I do admit myself to the hospital I will lose so much of what I have worked so hard to acquire. Throughout my life I have lost everything I own (literally everything) four or five times. Fortunately I was always able through my manic cycles to rebuild and always better than before I lost everything. I just don’t know if I still have it in me to do it all over.

My industry played a large part of the under pinning that caused the recession. The last two years they have made it tough just to make a living. I would lose my job and so much more if I enter the hospital.

This is a very tough decision for me. I am so thankful that I found this site as a place to feel safe and talk about what I have never shared with anyone, bipolar. Thank you all for your support, replies and just for a place to vent…

Anyone who has experience with hospitals, please post. I'm very afraid to go. All I know about them is what I have seen on tv. When I was in college i took a tour of our state hospital, but was only allowed in the more "public" areas. I don't feel like I am one of the people who were there, they all seemed much different than me. (no offense to those who have been there, i have a very small world view in this area) I come from a very small town and I'm afraid the whole town will know and a stigma will be attached to me forever. I'm afraid of the hospital. Rumors would be flying. Very few know what i am going through right now. Only my daughter, husband and boss. And you guys.

Yes I have all those fears. Today I feel so alone and isolated. Scared, many negative thoughts. I feel paralyzed.

Going into hospital is really a good way to get the best care and healing opportunity. This is easy for me to say because I'm in a different place, but I strongly encourage you both to find a way to do this.

marybeth, is the stigma or your healing more important to you? go to the hospital and ask to see the psychiatric ward or find out how it works. I would say that "I'm thinking that I may need to come in for a while, but would like to see what it's about." This may allay your fears. If that question alone will cause waves then you need to ask yourself the first question again. how important is it for you to get well as fast as possible?

alwwaysdifferent, I'm not sure where you are, but is there not a state hospital where you could go at a nominal fee? As for losing your job, wouldn't you be entitled to take some sick leave? I realise I don't have much information about your individual situation but I really believe that hospitalization very effective, done in the right way.

I had 2 stays in a state hospital where I paid almost nothing. It is a teaching hospital, so there are students watching your every move but made it affordable. It was before I was properly diagnosed with BP but battling with all the symptoms and other traumas. The programme was brilliant, very hard emotionally, but most beneficial. The most recent one was in a private clinic as I now have insurance. That truly changed my life and helped me get to the point I am now.

This is getting very long winded ... if you'd like any more input or help, please PM me. In the meantime, we will always be here for you !

Good luck to you. Hugs, Bridget

The closest I've been to inpatient, was a partial hospitalization program. Basically, you go 5 days a week 9:30-3:00, every day. The only reason I didn't go inpatient was because the crisis center I went to didn't recommend their psych ward. I am a complete advocate for PHPs. I loved every second of it. You don't get the possible depersonalization of a inpatient stay, but you get more hands on than a intensive outpatient program. I had an amazing experience, they were able to get my diagnoses right, explore a lot of what was going on with me and my life through group therapy and art therapy! which is simply amazing.

mouseam, I'm not from the US so don't know all the terms. My recent programme that turned my life around was a PHP, from 9 - 3.30 every day. And I agree, absolutely the most amazing experience ever. That was where my healing happened in various forms and therapies as you said. So go for that if you can ! Also worked well cos I could take my daughter to school every day just as usual

Four years ago I took myself to the hospital. I was tired of crying and screaming over every little thing.I knew that I needed my meds adjusted and I had no psychiatrist. After spending some time in Emergency waiting for a bed in the mental ward, I was admitted for a few days so that the pdocs could get my history and add some new meds to what I was taking. We tried several while they monitored my reactions to each med. This is why it's so helpful to be right there in the hospital so they can watch you. I overreacted to a muscle relaxer (for fibromyalgia) and they stopped it. The sleep aid they tried did work well; one med made me sleepy all day so they switched it to p.m.; by the time I left, about a week later (I insisted on a few more days), I was calmer, in less pain, and sleeping through the night. Meanwhile, I had received therapy, group therapy, art therapy, relaxation and exercise classes, and "mindful living" lessons. We were allowed free rein in the halls, waiting room and cafeteria on our floor, and our bedroom doors weren't locked. The other patients were similar in situation to mine: bipolar, schizophrenic, dual diagnoses (drugs and mental illness), and self-harmers. We had nightly meetings with an elected patient leader, and "checked in" with how we were feeling. Everyone was quite respectful and helpful to each other, kind of like we are on here. Everyone just wants to get better. When I left, I attended outpatient sessions for a month and then I was done. Ever since, the meds they put me on then have worked to keep me emotionally stable and almost completely pain-free, and I sleep all night. (And half the morning, but that's another story.)

My point is, it's not a crazy, scary place where they warehouse people like us; it's a place of healing, with the goal of getting people well and functional enough to go home and lead healthy lives. My experience was one of the most positive of my life. Don't be afraid of what you'll find there; They're there to help you get better!

And really, for me, it was more the other patients there that got me through. I didn't exactly go in by choice (sadly I chose my words poorly and they thought I was suicidal), and I didn't find the staff to be particularly helpful, but just talking with the other patients it was a good feeling to know that I wasn't alone, and that it didn't make me an outcast.

Patrick