Bipolar Type II Support Group

So... Today I knew we where having company. Wifes friend coming over for dinner and to help her pack stuff... I was good with it all day but then shortly after I came home I found out that things had changed. Her friend had invited another friend over to our house for this dinner/packing thing and I was pretty peaved about things changing last minute and someone else inviting someone else to come with them... I have nothing against this other person, just wtf. This is why I don't like having people over especially when this kind of stuff happens...

So now I'm pissed. This means two adults and two kids both around six. I worked all day and the last thing I want is to have to socialize with even more people and deal with rampaging kids while taking care of my two year old.

So the wife knows I'm pissed and tells me to go do something or go to the package store or just to do something. I had all kinds of thoughts I felt I couldn't share with her. I felt like breaking my new cell phone on the wall. Flipping the coffee table, punching something, getting in my car and leaving, but I held in there and didn't act out of anger. Finally I'm going to go to the packy but she tells me no one is coming because I'm pissed off. I was a little relieved even though my wife stomped through the house in a pissy mood.

So about an hour later, I'm on my way down stairs and I start panicing not knowing if people are here, so I couldn't go down stairs I had to call my wife on her phone to find out what was going on and it turns out company was here... So I brought my daughter down to eat and left for the packy. Once I got to the packy I texted her that I was not coming home. I was having a panic attack, didn't want to be around people and was nervous and almost scared for no reason. I sat in the parking lot of the packy ignoring her calls and only texting for must have been 15 minutes....

I seriously hate being put in situations I don't want to be in. It makes me want to break out of the cage. It makes me want to scream. I'm above having tantrums but sometimes I feel like the Hulk is inside of me and I just want to go into a rage.

My wife just doesn't seem to understand me. The final agreement was I'd come home and eat my dinner and everyone would leave (wife included). All I wanted was pretty much not to have to be around people and kids and to be left alone. That's all I really want in life is to be left alone. My wife should know this yet she took the liberty of inviting people from her family over for my birthday when I didn't even invite people over and it's like... wtf... it's my birthday, and I just want to be left alone. Like, why does she insist on being surrounded by people?

Anyway, I'm just ranting. I've been drinking heavily tonight and I was not planning on it but between the stress, anxiety and panic attack, I just said fuck it. So, today at work = great day, time flew for once in a couple weeks. Today at home = major BS wished I was still at work for once in a long time.

Sometimes I really hate being bipolar and think about meds but the downs like today aren't many but I fucking hate that people seem so inconsiderate of my downs and play it off. Sometimes I think some understanding is to much to fucking ask for.

I am sorry you had to go through that tonight. I know that feeling of just wanting to be alone and not wanting company. I have had that panicky feeling around people before too. I know its too late now for tonight but for the future when things are calmer and you can have a conversation with your wife without arguing you need to explain to her how it makes you feel and make sure she understands it so it doesnt happen again. It is your house too and she needs to respect your feelings, obviously she likes company so maybe you can come up with a plan that if she wants to be with people she can either have a night out or she can have company on a night when there is somewhere you can go, some type of compromise. Just an idea. I am not trying to preach but if you are on Bipolar meds then sending you to the packy probably isnt the greatest idea either it can really mess with the effectiveness of your meds but like I said I am not preaching, everyone does their own thing I just wanted to throw that in there in case you werent aware. I truly hope you can work this out with your wife and I do hope you feel better. Hang in there and keep posting, we are always here for you. Hugs, Stacey