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tracyshively
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I guess today I feel the urge to share something personal about myself! There once was a time that this bipolar disorder ruled my life. It was so much to take. I suffered from great depression, to the point I weighed 325lbs and slept all the time. I did not want to work or do anything. I spent money like crazy and it created great chaos in my marriages. I have been married three times and have four children. I lost custody of two of my children. I have attempted suicide three times and been hospitalized three times. This bipolar disorder has broke up our family. I don't speak to my mother or my sisters. They all have different views to why I have done the things that I have in the past. It really hurts, to think that family does not understand the disease or they symptoms of it. I have really tried now to stay on my medications and make the best of the future. I have been abused as a child by a step father. During therapy, my therapist suggested that I ask my mother why she ignored the sexual abuse. I did, and now she does not talk to me. She believes in her heart she did nothing wrong. How so? Sometimes, it makes me wonder how I should go on. But I do, with hope of the future with my new husband and three year old daughter. I feel like I have a new start in life, even with out family to support me. Is there a thing as forgiveness for bipolar sufferers? I wonder. For me, I have had no forgiveness, just grief. My children have suffered from my depression and spending sprees, etc... I only hope when they grow up that they can forgive me. I hope I can forgive myself.......................... http://tracyannshively.blogspot.com/ |
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carmen33
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Hi, Tracy, I am glad that you are here with us, it's hard to say if you will ever have understanding from the family, your children will probably one day seek you out, I know that mine did. Your Mom is probably not talking out of shame, it's hard to face up to the fact that you knew your child was being abused, and you didn't have the courage to do anything about it, have your therapist work with you on this, while you might not ever reach the point of forgiveness, it's a goal for your to work towards, like you I was abused by a stepfather, I don't know that my Mom ever knew and I am not sure I would like to find out if she did or she didn't, I've never told her, all she knew was that I hated his guts... I tried to commit suicide over it at the age of 13, woke up with a nasty headache and a even nastier attitude, I told him flat out that if he ever touched me again, I would cut his dick off and shove it so far up his ass he would be peeing out his nose. I believe the biggest forgiveness you need to work on is forgiving yourself, and understanding that when you did stuff, it was the illness more than you making you do these things.. You've got a new husband and a daughter who loves you, you can start from today, building a new life, while you won't forget the past, you do not have to let it haunt you anylonger. Are you taking medications and still seeing your therapist? if you are still seeing her, ask her to help you work beyond this. |
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alexandra10143
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I wish you the best of luck! I am glad you are here and you have a place to share your story. I think most of us can relate to part of what you have been through. I'm so sorry you have had such a rough time. I think one of the first steps to fully recovering is forgiving yourself. It is really hard to do (I'm trying to forgive myself for things) but you can do it!
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carmen33
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Your right Alexandra, forgiving ourselves is important and sometimes is the hardest thing to do, as we are our worst critics.. but like we forgive others, we need to do the same for ourselves. |
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damiano311
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I too have a lot in common with you. I am new here but I will share my life. I have been married a few times as well. I am on my 3rd one. I found someone that can handle my illness. She is great. I too was abused sexually and physically. My mother remained friends with the people that abused me. My mother is the one that physically abused me. Today it has been about 3 years since I have had anything to do with my family. My mother has some major issues mentally and refuses to seek help. She blames her divorce on why I choose not to have anything to do with her, she doesnt see that her anger ,rage, and hurtful words are the cause of it. To this day I will not let her have anything to do with my children for saftey reasons. For example she will get so angry ,fly into a rage and try to ram someones car that pisses her off. She has been in fist fights all through my life, she has even attacked her own mother and has 2 restarining orders against her. She had an affair with a man online, moved to his home city,to be closer to him, with no regard to this mans wife. His wife became angry with her and told her to stay away from him, it pissed my mother off to the point where she stole his house key off of his key ring one time, went into his home when they were out of town and rearranged their furniture. This is only a drop in the bucket. I couldnt deal with her suicide attempts any longer, she was still married to my dad when she did all of this, and when she found out he was going to divorce her she lost it. she would fly back home and destroy his belongings. Sorry to ramble on, just trying to give you a small piece of what my childhood was kind of like. although the stories I am telling you didnt happen when I was a child ,just imagine the type of crazy I grew up with. I have forgiven her but I just cant have the toxic in my life while I am trying to beat or deal with being BP. Sounds like your on the right road...... hope you get well. |
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alexandra10143
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Wow damiano311 it sounds like you have really been through a lot. I'm sorry you have had such experiences and I hope things continue to get better for you. I think it is good you are taking care of yourself and not being around someone who is harmful for you, even though it is your mother. And it is really good you are making sure your children are not around what sounds like an emotionally unstable person. I'm sure it is difficult but in my opinion you are making the right choice. I was also abused as a child. I'm still coming to terms with everything. My biological father sexually, physically, and emotionally abused me for many years. There was court-ordered visitation so I would travel alone to whatever city he happened to be in, knowing I was going to be abused. My stepfather was very emotionally abusive to my mother and I...My mother is disabled so I took on the cooking, cleaning, and tried to keep him happy so he wouldn't attack my mom. (I don't really want to get into examples. Too hard right now.) Needless to say, I can empathize with having a hectic childhood. Does anyone think childhood abuse is connected to bipolar? I'm positive some of it is genetic due to a history of psychological problems in my family. But maybe abuse is connected? Oh well, whatever the reason we have it, we can only continue to move on the best we can. And support each other. If anyone wants to discuss abuse and how to handle it, I'd be happy to start a new discussion about it in the General/Support forum. |
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