Hey Y'all!

The post on MD Junction often starts with, "I have a friend...."

The appeal continues, doesn't it? "...and I want to 'help' my friend."

Naturally, I WANT to help my friends and loved ones; for, in the process of their disease/diseases, I have lost the joy and growth which should be a part of a healthy friendship or relationship.

"Help", after all, is an action word. Right?

Of course, before I try to help someone, I should perhaps consider whether I CAN help. Maybe I should even question what REAL help IS.

If my friend wants to build a house, am I going to build it FOR him!? ...or am I going to work with him to build it? ...or am I going to show him how to build it? ...OR am I merely going to encourage him to follow through on his own, seeking the appropriate help as he needs it to build his house?

What answer would you give, and what advice would you share with me so that I may help my friend?

The answer, of course, is "none of the above." My friend hasn't asked me to help, nor have I yet offered!

You see, I happen to feel that one measure of true friendship is that I must allow my friend the freedom to make his own choice in the matter of enlisting my help or help from anyone else. ALLOWING my friend to make the first move is not the same as "taking action" on behalf of my friend, is it? Still I think I have been a true and helpful friend by allowing him to do what HE wants to do.

Now, IF I am willing to help my friend (I am always WILLING for a friend, even if I don't WANT to.), I may say so; although, I have found it wise never to volunteer. If I volunteer, I may put undue pressure on my friend,in which case he may feel an obligation (friends do sometimes feel obligated) to use my help AND a resentment because he does not WANT my help. If I volunteer, I might be "getting in over my head", and thus I might hinder rather than help my friend. In that case, I have taken on a responsibility I can't meet--I've broken a promise of sorts. Nothing kills friendships faster than broken promises!

I think my best approach is to silently commit to help my friend when he needs my help, and to wait for some sign or request from him that he wants and welcomes my help.

Could I apply that approach to a friend who suffers from bipolar disease or from addiction/alcoholism?

I've answered that question for myself, and my answer is "yes" with one condition.... I will always assure my friend that he may ask me for help anytime he wants to ask.

I have "learned my lesson" by trying to help those who don't want my help, and by trying to fix things I have no power to fix.

What do I do when my friend is in a crisis, especially a life-threating crisis? I follow my instinct. Crises are always a matter of judgment, and I am not always able to apply reason. However, I try never to take on a friend's crisis all by myself. I always look for help.

Many of my friends have died of overdose or have commited suicide. Do I blame myself? It's hard not to take blame for the loss of a loved one or a friend, isn't it? It's hard to wrestle over whether something I did had a part in their decision to die. I have to remember that I didn't make their decision, and I am not responsible for the results. I might always wonder if I could have "done more", but the real truth is that my friends didn't give me or anyone a chance to do more. Then too maybe I should have done less. In the final hour, however, they didn't reach out for help.

I miss them, but I do not yet care to go with them.

I have a friend--many friends; and I pray that I may be able to help my friend, when he wants my help.

The following pages deal with codependency and enabling behavior, and they provide a guideline for helping others (Just substitute "bipolar disorder" for "addiction" or vice-versa--it all works the same.):

http://sfhelp.org/pop2/codep.htm

http://www.way2hope.org/codependency-test-definition.htm

http://www.ojar.com/view_746.htm

http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/counselingarchive- enabler-and-codependency.asp

Love,

JIm