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01/05/2008 05:44 PM

My Wife is in Denial

Posts: 21

My wife was diagnosed BP about 4 weeks ago. We have been married for 13 yeas and I have always assume she was BP, but was always diagnosed wth deprssion. The lst three years have been a nightmare that included an affair and her all the time saying I love you then I don't love you. We haven't been intimate now for 3 months. I love my wife to death and was happy they finally diagned her. I have a feeling she doesn't believe though. She was put on her first medication and she took it for a ew weeks and it made her so sleepy she didn't leave the bed. I couldn't even go to work because I couldn't find anyone towatch the baby during the day. We went to the doctor this week and he chos a new medication for her. She has been on it for two days and has been experiencing nausia and shaking. Tonight she yelled at me and told me she had made up her mind. She ws going to do what she wnted now and not what everyon was telling her to do. he is no longer going to take any edication and blamed me for the side affects. I am tired of living with someone that doesn't know what love is anmore. know she loves me, but she is so lost she can't see that. We have 3 kids and I worry about them as well. Is this common for people with BP? I want to her to have the happiest life possible and I want to be here for her, but if she continues to act the way she as the last few years and won't do anything about it, I just don't know what to do. Any suggestins out there? Is his common?

01/08/2008 03:41 AM
Posts: 64

very common,

have you been able to pinpoint her cycle times.months?when do they begin and end.treatment is easiest to start in an "off" cycle,or when cycling down.however usually cant wait till then.durng mania they definatley dont want treatment.they are not sick or wrong.unless a drastic event happens help is not wanted.what "modd "is she in right you know what to look for?

high- lots of energy,fast talking,less sleep

low- no energy,quiet,sleeps alot.

these are simple obvious signs to look for.

the cheating and so forth are also signs yet rarly known about till aftrwards.

being married 13 years your hitting that point where progession is showing up.i too have heard that "i love,dont love you".sad to say it s when she had someone else though.

the meds are tough.we are on the 3 combination in 4 months.some work,with bad side effects,others have little side effects yet dont work.others work fast and some take months to really kick in.

litium stabilized her the best but she went toxic 2 back to depakote.slower kicking in.

one thing is if she doesn't want the meds she may be exadgerating the side effects.or they may be real,thats a hard wife was first on depakote,hated it.then lithium,had ploblems.asked to go back to depakote cause it seemed to she may have been rebeling at first.

many of the meds knock you out at first.over time you body adjusts.its getting to that point thats hardest.unfortunately its all on her to do it.all you can do is be there.

01/08/2008 07:05 AM
Posts: 21

Thanks for all the info Robs. Can you explain what you mean by progression showing up? We haven't been intimate for three months now which has been very hard as I love her so much. She doesn't like me even touching her. Is the only way to get the love back that I know is there proper medicating and continued support and love? I know she loves me. Quite often in the middle of the night she will whisper "I love you" to me. I figure this is somehow her true self coming out a little bit. That is really what keeps me going at times.

01/08/2008 08:24 AM
Posts: 78

It is amazing to me how so many behaviors that are exhibited by bipolars are common with everyone's experiences.

I have lost a wonderful person to this illness, and believe me, if they do not want help, if the deny they are ill – there is really nothing you can do until they hit rock bottom.

When my ex went spiraling out of control in her mania she did the same thing, I love you, I do not love you (she was having an affair at the time)– and for her it was rapid cycling. One minute she wanted me to print a picture out of me so she could put it on her desk at work – the next minute she did not love me, she loved this new guy she had known for 3 weeks, next minute screaming in anger at me for not hanging a picture on the wall 2 years ago, next minute wanting to iron a shirt for me to wear to work, next minute yelling at me telling me I was no longer controlling her, next minute asking me to come lay down and talk to her, next minute running out of the house to go get donuts at midnight, and not coming home until 5:00am.

I lost her, needless to say – I guess she is happy, if she does not leave you, and you stick to your guns about helping her get well – I truly believe that the woman you love is still in there….but it is going to take a lot of work on her part to find herself…bipolar has away of turning the people you love the most against you…and the whisper she tells you at night….I got the same, but she was gone the next morning.

I wish you all the luck in the world, get her to stay in therapy and to keep trying meds until she finds out what works….and that is not an easy task

01/08/2008 03:26 PM
Posts: 64

i mean the episodes up till this point may have been mild,or even unnoticed at the illness progresses the episodes get more severe and harder to hid.the dx comming 4 weeks ago tells me she had more of a severe epsiode than before.unmedicated the next will be worse.each epsisode causes more neurotransmitters to be damaged.if enough get damaged the person may end up commited to an institution.simply because they dont have enough functioning transmitters to carry on everyday activities.bp is actually an interesting ilness.if you look at it from the medical standpoint.

your brain has 3 levels.conscience,sub conscience,and unconscience.conscience(1) controls actions,sensces,basic everyday movements and communication,sub conscience(2) controls more movements,thought process,morals,perception,and unconscience (3) controls life functions such as heart rate,breathing and so addition 3 also is where memories,emotions,feelings and fantasies are found.

the transmitters i talked about send electric signals from one level to next.when they get crossed,well a fantasy could go directly to level 1 missing the moral,thought have experienced the result of that(affair).feelings zip by perception straight to level 1.the end result is "you dont love me,i dont love you".

these are basic examples of what you've seen.the possibilities are endless for final actions.hope this helps shed some light.

oh the transmitters are protected and regulated by 2 key brain chemicals,seritonin,and bp the chemicals get off balance allowing the transmitters to mess up.(simple terms.)it also can speed up processes(mania) or slow down (depression)during mania the signals are being sent so fast the receptors can't keep up with the transmitters.signals end up going to the wrong places.a new path is created and burned into memory and the next episode will follow the same path(hense repeat behavior).this last part is thoeries i've read about and still understudy ,but does make alot of sence.

the damaged transmitters are the reason bp have dificulty even after an episode.the paths are still wrong and take some time to correct ,if they do at all.the only difference is the speed of the signal.mania is gone and some level of fuctioning is possible.

this is why the meds are so important.with out them theres nothing to keep the transmitters operating porperly.and each esisode damages more and more,some never repair.

storm,this info maynot be of help to you now,sorry about that,maybe it explains "why" for you though.


do just that.stick to your guns.i cant say how important it all you can.lots of info on the web.not just the basic stuff you get from "mebmd".

01/08/2008 04:12 PM
Posts: 848
Senior Member

Hello All,

I have a niece that is married to someone whose BP.

He's put her thru a lot. It finally took him getting violent with a gun and shot his arm on top of a roof and the police got involved. Oh, as you know there are many bad incidences which were as you'd say "bizarre" and cruel. Well, she finally had to leave for the sake of the children, however, it did the job! He couldn't believe she'd leave him.....but enough is enough and she had it. Fortunately, it helped him to really take what he's been doing and acting seriously and got help.

They're back together and doing pretty well nowSmile !

It's not always smooth riding but so much better then before. My niece and our family don't condone separating really, but recognize that at times for others sake it needs to be done.

I guess the point is have you ever thought about separating and show that your dead serious that until they get help you will no longer accept this type of behavior? I only ask as a last resort. Staying and allowing that abuse seems to motivate them to think your always going to be there to accept it. I'm not talking about divorce, just leaving or make them leave and perhaps they'll hit the so-called "bottom"!

Just a little bit of the thoughts running thru my brain. It's not Gods opinion

Sideways it's just my my little ole' self!!

Either way, I truly sympathize with all you've been thru and still are....I hope for the best for you all!!

Spruce Cheerful

Post edited by: spruce1, at: 01/08/2008 18:13

01/19/2008 11:50 AM
Posts: 46


Well, you and I have much in common...I truly love my husband, we have been married 12 years, and he has Bipolar II disorder and ADHD. We have 2 wonderful young children. I can relate to everything you are saying and from all the reading and research I've done, yes this is all too common and the unpredictable and chaotic part about living with someone with this illness.

The damage that this disorder has done to our family is immeasurable, and yet my husband expects me to just keep moving on as if everything is normal. He has not been unfaithful, but he has had the wild mood swings, mania, depression, nastiness toward me, anger and irritation toward me and our children, denial, you name it! He was always moody and never liked to sleep for as far back as I remember, but something really changed with him 4 years back and it turned out to be a major manic episode. What is so hurtful to me is to this day, he still 'minimizes' what he was doing to me and to our family and says I am 'exaggerating his behaviour'. He says it "couldn't have been that bad" and "I must have had something to do with it". He is really good at twisting the blame on me for his own behaviour, another common trait of BP. (and very frustrating for the spouse!) Yet, once he was in treatment, diagnosed, started on meds and more himself, the conflict (like that) stopped. It's as if there is no rational thought, lots of distortion on his part.

I really feel for you and can hear your pain and frustration. I am right there with you, and I know many others are going thru this with their loved ones. It's very difficult to love someone with the disorder when they are either in denial or continually doing damaging things to the family or the spouse, or blaming others for their own behaviour or distorted thinking patterns.

I don't know what the right thing to do is. I also love my husband very much, and tend to look at us not just as a married couple, but as a family unit. I really don't want anything to break our family apart, and don't want us to have to live without my husband. Our 2 little ones adore their Dad. I try to weigh the best way to help them understand their Dad's behaviour when he's not doing well, but sometimes to me it is completely unacceptable. I don't want to damage our children in any way either, and struggle with this a lot. Are your children older or younger? How do they handle your wife's behaviour? Do you talk to them about it?

I have seen the difference the right medications can make, the problem is sometimes that can be challenging, requiring changes or tweaks, or only working somewhat. If your wife works at it (and is willing), you can still have her back more herself. I think awareness also plays a huge part. When things are going well, I think everything will be alright. At least he tries by seeing a psychiatrist and taking medications. But sometimes, I wonder how long I can take it, or worry about our children and what they see sometimes when his behaviour changes. I get upset, and I don't like them seeing that either.

I am here to talk with you, and maybe we can somehow support eachother. I find the illness devastating at times, the distortions in thinking cause huge problems with communication.

Sending a hug, I know you could use it...

Please write again...and take care of yourself and those children. Your wife will have to want to be well herself first, but even that can be a long road.



Post edited by: 4support, at: 01/19/2008 13:55

05/31/2008 09:22 AM

I'm not sure if this is common or not.By the hard way I had to learn, you can't help someone that is not willing to help themselves.Sounds like she's not.You need to start thinking more about your happiness,and not her's.

Post edited by: Scarlett, at: 05/31/2008 11:57


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