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cappymuir
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My nonBP husband is in denil of his issues and that is why I am trying for the second time to get help. SO if he does not want to help our marriage then It is time to seriously ponder divorce for me. I can 't live where I am always feeling controlled and unhappy. I need some peace in my life. I do love him in those rare moments but they are far and few. I even made my appointment with my therapist earlier because I am so stressed and it is getting in the way of my daily functions and upsetting me. Then comes anger because of what is happenig is not something I can change, I try not to react, but Bp sometimes does not allow it. I hope this helps. cappy |
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NorthPolar
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I know that divorce is not the answer. It would be a large and regretful mistake to walk out on someone who is bipolar or visa versa. Of all the people in the world, we, bipolar or not, already have the upper hand on the disorder. You and I are at the same forum on the internet trying to solve a universal problem a little at a time. It just so happens that we each have involvement and interaction with a disorder that has the ability to be tamed. Divorce two of these people and the disorder has not only triumphed but any new relationship must start from the beginning again. In my experience, it is obvious that the disorder can not be controlled through the means of reason or physical help. I am attempting a diversion of conversation and silent listening without comment unless it is positive. If there is no supply of triggers from my mouth, there is only therapy through healing for my wife. It is also healthy for service to be part of my life in the manner of support and added strength I added to the list. |
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jenn14
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OK northpolar, I hear what your saying but I think we only have the upper hand on the disorder if the bp person admits/accepts it and attempts to manage it!! Otherwise, untreated, its just a matter of time before it destroys that person and probably anyone willing to hand around and go down like that without a fight. I have to admit you are better than me in the ability to hold ur tongue when you said "no supply of triggers from your mouth" For me The last thing I can do after hes been out allnights day after day, and cheating, and lying is hold my tongue. I did that for a few years. Im sick of it. If he thinks Im gonna sit there listen to him insult and direspect me and our relationship with LIE after LIE im not about to spare by allowing him to think I believe it!! Not for one more second. Sorry-dont not angry at you--just angry at this illness.
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glory
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OK I will try to be tactful, bu .. nope I can't do it.... Where is the love, of self, in you women who will stay with a cheating husband??? I am 58 and been bipolar most of that time. I have never cheated on a husband (been married twice) and never even thought of it.....There is no order that accepts a cheater, except the order of cheaters!!! Bipolar does not mean stupid, and it sure as hell doesn't give anybody the license to cheat. I have always known right from wrong. In the deep throws of any episode, I have known what was TOOOO much!!!! Does your man go up & hit a cop in the head??? OH MY,HE MUST KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG!!! Does your man go screaming down the middle of a highway naked ???? DAMN, HE MUST KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG!!! Marriage is a vow of love and respect. Where is the love when he is not being faithful?? Where is the love when he is with his lover but tells you he was somewhere else. I just don't get you guys!!! I don't understand why you think you have to, "hold your tongues". The only reason I can see is FEAR! What are you afraid of?? Is your spouse violent?? If so...what in the hell are you doing, staying???? Is it for the kids.......oh boy, we have a father of the year to be an example for these wee tots! If you have no place to go, look around, call around, there are places in every town, or near, for your safety. We love someone BECAUSE we are loved by that person. Not my definition...it comes straight out of the book. When you are so depressed and so afraid, and in dread of their coming home, where do you see him loving you. Why will you just settle?? Settle for his moods, settle for his non-episodal moments? Ladies, please don't do this to yourselves any more....I am not saying divorce...I am saying get out and make it clear you won't come back until he gets it together by getting some help. I don't want to discourage anyone form coming here to vent....it's your first step to realizing you are not alone and releasing some of the pent up anger you have inside. What I am saying, is, don't accept what society won't. Don't allow youeself to be drug back to the cave by a Neanderthal!! And please don't allow yourself to be angry at the, "illness". The illness did not cheat on you....your husband did. Remember there are all kinds of us out here that have the "ILLNESS", and we don't cheat. Don't let the cheaters use the bipolar disorder like a blanket to cover up their socially unacceptable behavior. Gloria glory |
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maisey
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I agree Jenn14. Those with most forms of bipolar disorder CAN change their behavior and their way of thinking but only if they are willing to admit they have the disorder, make the choice to change, and stay committed to a full-spectrum treatment plan. I agree, to run away from someone who has done nothing wrong or who is committed to a treatment plan because they have bipolar disorder is definitely a mistake in my estimation. I do agree divorce should be a final and last resort, but sometimes divorce is the ONLY answer--regardless of who has the bipolar disorder. But what some of the folks on this board suffer through is tremendous and they are not obligated to surrender their entire life, the only life they are given, to someone who is exceedingly unpleasant, unpredictable and abusive to live with and who is unwilling to put in the time and effort to make some serious changes. That said, I believe that the spouses/partners/friends of someone with bipolar disorder should also be doing some serious self-examination and spouses/serious partners should attend therapy on their own, as well as therapy with their spouse, at least for a short time. Everyone would benefit from this. The couple has to change together and share the disorder's burdens together in order for the team to progress forward. I wonder how many people have had good results with this? From reading this board, not many. It makes me sad. Post edited by: maisey, at: 03/13/2008 03:17 |
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zinnia
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since when do you try to be tactful, gloria? lol although i have to say there's wasn't one thing that wasn't tactful about that post. i'm bipolar but in 10 years of marriage, i never cheated and never thought about it, even in my worst episodes of mania. unless we stand up and say "i won't be treated like this for another moment", they'll keep treating us like this. that's ok if it's your choice, but what about your daughters who learn that this is what to expect from a man who says he "loves" you? what about your sons who learn that this is the way you treat a woman you "love"? sorry to be a feminist (dirty word, i know)-oh wait, i meant to say PROUD TO BE A FEMINIST!! being a feminist means you expect and demand and work towards justice for ALL people, and that includes women. and that includes yourselves. peace be with you, if you seek it. Well behaved women rarely make history.
Thou canst not disturb a flower without the troubling of a star...from "Troubling a Star", by Madelaine L'Engle...we all affect one another by our words and actions...it is our choice whether to do so purposefully and positively, or carelessly and hurtfully...may we all bring to one another the peace that we seek...
"if you want others to be happy, practice compassion. if you want to be happy, practice compassion" the Dahli Laama
Peace-
Zinnia
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jenn14
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Youre absolutely right. I am sick over this! By the way Gloria I read one of ur other posts before when you told all the truths and the manipulations of some people with BP and said dont buy it for a second, then ended by sayin you know it bc you have bp and youve done it all. AAWWW I literally burst into tears. I was sobbing. I dont know why. I guess the truth just hurts. Geez Im tearin up now. Thanks for your honesty, as much as it hurts. I need to know whats "WNL" for bp and whats not and possibly can be used for an excuse.
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glory
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Bless your heart jenn.... I am an old lady and I actually tear up every time I read about one of you poor gals accepting life with some....... some thug!!! It just ain't fair, what our mothers did to us by making us actually believe we are the ones who have to do all the sacrificing......That's why I at times sound so gruff....I get so pissed ....lolol ah shit think I'll go give myself some pink hair on my new virtual makeover site...lolol Love Gloria glory |
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NorthPolar
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I am deeply sorry for all your bitterness towards the world, the disorder, and your relationships. I will say that abuse is not a good thing. To marry the right person who shares your love is a beautiful and eternal goal. My purpose for this forum is not to convince others to continue in abusive relationships. My goal is to help others who need help. The whole family in a bipolar household needs to be included in the healing process, to recognize the situation, admit to the truth, and find balance. In reality, we all have challenges to face. The bipolar disorder is just a challenge that takes dominance in the need for a balance before any other challenge can be solved. The disorder is threatening the mental and physical relationships of many while a few of us actually sit down and attempt liberty from it by expressing only the best remedies and medications for it. Bitterness can not solve issues. It can only entrap the clear thinker from his goal. Love the person. Hate the disorder, it's okay. Yes, disorder or not, we have choices. Unfortunately for some, the choices interfere with the safety and liberty of others. I honestly think that because of the disorder, it is extremely difficult for a family in this situation to cope in the right way. It is so confusing of a disorder to tell what is actually reality or falsity. We live in a world of "fixing" things and when something can not be "fixed" someone spends their lifetime trying to figure out how. I have entered a relationship by marriage to dedicate my life to my wife and children. NorthPolar |
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glory
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Bully for you polar, but what are you talking about? Gloria glory |
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