The enormous price of being bipolar...

I found myself driven to tears, having to leave the auditorium several times to gather myself. Initially I was so very disappointed in her - that she didn't try hard enough to get her medal (she turned in her community service booklet a day late, which is par for the course with her - so her medal wasn't given to her).

Then I took the responsibility...had I pushed her enough, had I been more involved in tracking her performance, had I encouraged and participated in intramurals, she could have stood up with the majority of her class. She would have been proud of herself. But I didn't do anything consistently...I was great in elementary school - off and on - but I dropped the ball.

After the ceremony I asked her what she thought about it (what else do you say? I'm so proud of you for actually passing 8th grade?) she said 'fine' 'whatever' 'C's are okay'. I took her picture, told her how lovely she looked (I felt like Paula Abdul complimenting a sucky performance on Idol) and drove her to the school dance without saying a word about how I felt - no need to make matters worse - it's not all about me and expressing my feeings at inappropriate times - I'm learning this is a good thing.

I told my husband how I felt and I got the canned response 'it'll be okay'. I asked 'do you even care?' - na-da. I finally realized that it's just as much his responsibility as it is mine or hers. I began to get angry with him for not caring that our daughter - who is very bright, but lacks confidence is underperforming and doesn't seem to care. She has an entitlement attitude, she has few chores, she complains and gets bitchy if I ask her to set the table (so I rarely do because who wants to look at that face all night?)

How did I raise a daughter without confidence, who doesn't care and who doesn't help around the house? I thought I did all the right things when she was growing up - 'I love the colors you chose in that picture' - 'you really worked hard on that project and I can tell by the detail in the design'. She kept her room spotless until she turned 13.

My husband and I had our first fight in quite some time. (which I hear is good - couples who never argue can be in trouble - which we are) My husband smokes pot every day...sometimes more than others...and I've asked him to wait until the kids go to bed...sometimes he does...so I brought that up. How can we expect our daughter to be responsible if she has a flaky, crazy, bipolar mother who can't follow-through with anything along with a father who is high most of the time and tunes everything out?

So she starts High School in a few months. She lacks discipline, confidence and drive. (funny, so do I)

I'm trying so very hard not to take the blame, but this is quite possibly my worst moment as a parent. I used to think that as long as I 'do my best' and love my kids that they would turn out okay. She just doesn't care - or maybe she does and I don't know how to get through to her. I nag too much because I want her to be perfect (not really, but I'm a perfectionist - so perfect in the sense that she tries her very best in everything she does...)

Flaky, crazy and bipolar - with a pothead husband who last night told me that he doesn't know how he's put up with me for fifteen years.

I'm going outside to garden. And try to forget that I'm all alone in this. I'm not going to hurt myself today. Thanks for letting me rant.

When my daughter was in high school I had a similar life..she had to learn a lot of things on her own...she is now 29 had has done amazingly well..so I must have done some things right. I bet you have too..just don't see them right now...I wish i would have been a better mother. I did the best I could...but, always can see where I could have done better.

I don't know how hopeful this was,if at all. But I wish you the best with this.Hang in there.

kellybell and dragonfly - this stuff is always good to hear. I do try to think of this in the ways you suggest...the more I hear it the easier it is to keep up. I hate parenting teenagers. Loathe it. I almost wish she would move out to an apartment across the way and finish high school there.

i empathize with what you're going through and i'm going to be hoping for so much peace for you.

many hugs. hang on.

zinnia

I'm mood charting and showing my husband. I think it helps him visualize what I'm going through. I showed him again today and I think it helps...anyone need a good mood chart in excel let me know.

thanks to all...your feedback brought out some good tears and released a lot of crap energy.

Here's to a better tomorrow!

We have heard and come up with a couple of theories over the years.

When our lovely children turn 13 an alien ship comes down and abducts our child and leaves this alien in their place spreading destruction. They return our loving child with a whole new outlook on life some where in their early twenties.

The kids do this and go through this in order for us as parents to want them to leave home. If not we would keep them home forever.

I know this is really hard, hang in there and take care of yourself.

I will tell you that grandkids are well worth the things you are enduring now.

GOD BLESS

RED