Funniest Joke of the Day, Round 2

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud.

These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a school

district. (Spellings have been left intact.)

1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT

3-- DEAR SCHOOL : PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31,32 AND ALSO 33.

4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

8-- M EGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERYCLOSE VEINS.

9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SI DE.

10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT. (Love it!)

12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}

15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T NOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY P APER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.

{I absolutely LOVE that one!}

18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT. HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER; SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND! HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.

Subject: Actual Newspaper Ads

>

>

>=========================================

> FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little witch. Bites.

> ---------------

> FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

> -----------------

> FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

> ------------------------------

> FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

> -----------------------

> FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat .. been out a while. Better be

>a reward for this nasty little thing.

> --------------------------------------

> COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

> --------------------------------------

> NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

> ---------------------------------

> GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents/lb.

> --------------------------------

>JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer - $300

> ---------------------------------

>WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

> -------------------------------------

> (AND THE BEST ONE)

> FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.

>Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer

>needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT. (Love it!)

> FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat .. been out a while. Better be a reward for this nasty little thing

lololol

love

Gloria

The boss walked into the office one morning not

knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide

open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your

garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood

his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her

desk to ask, 'When my garage door

was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old

mini van with two flat tires.'

So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guy then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The lawyer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

A German retiree is taking a hospital to court after she went in for a leg operation and got a new anus instead, the Daily Telegraph is reporting.

The woman woke up to find she had been mixed up with another patient suffering from incontinence who was to have surgery on her sphincter.

The clinic in Hochfranken, Bavaria, has since suspended the surgical team.

Now the woman is planning to sue the hospital. She still needs the leg operation and is searching for another hospital to do it.

Note: At least she still has a leg to stand on.