Bipolar Support Group

A man died and went to The Judgment.

They told him, “Before you meet with God, we should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest, you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive," they said. “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply, "On New Year's Eve."

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same expression as drinking a glass of fresh paint.

4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"

5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.

6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.

7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."

9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Frank, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: Football on television, or the family's New Year's Day noon meal itself.

Hoping to keep the peace, Frank ate the meal with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant conversation before retiring to the TV room to turn on the big game.

Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Frank. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Frank told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.

'See?' Janet said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.'