Bipolar Support Group

A DEPRESSED MAN

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

A friend asks Frank for a cigarette. Frank says, "I think you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking".

The friend says, "I did. I am in the process of quitting". Right now, I am in the middle of phase one."

"What's phase one?" asks Frank.

The friend says, "I've quit buying."

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NEW YEAR'S EVE WEDDING & KIDS

At a high-class New Year's Eve wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests.

When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’

‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.

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NEW YEAR’S EVE DINNER PARTY

A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at his home on New Year’s Eve and planned to serve his guests’ favourite food, steak, as the main course.

While the guests were eating their appetizers, the cook came to the host and whispered, “Please come urgently to the kitchen.”

The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that while he had stepped out for a quick cigarette, the host’s dog had climbed up on the table and eaten a few chunks out of some steaks. The host said, “Just fill the holes with some meat and turn the other sides up–nobody will notice.”

The steaks were served and when they were nearly finished eating, the host was again summoned to the kitchen. The cook, looking quite upset, told the host that the dog had died.

The host frantically rushed back to the dinner party and apologized fervently before announcing, “Something was wrong with the steak and everyone must have their stomachs pumped immediately at the hospital.”

The guests all headed there, endured the painful procedure, and returned to the house. The host then went and asked the cook, “Where is the dog?”

“Oh,” said the chef, “The dog is still down by the road where the car hit it.”

“And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

Auld Lang Syne was partially written by Robert Burns in the 1700's, it was first published in 1796 after Burns' death. Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to produce the modern rendition. An old Scotch tune, 'Auld Lang Syne' literally means 'old long ago,' or simply, 'the good old days.'

Here are the lyrics: however, many people seem to remember only the first verse.

Auld Lang Syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

and never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

and days of auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,

for auld lang syne,

we'll take a cup of kindness yet,

for auld lang syne.

__

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

and never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

and days of auld lang syne?

And here's a hand, my trusty friend

And gie's a hand o' thine

We'll tak'A cup o' kindness yet

For auld lang syne.

Post edited by: sarahtroy, at: 12/31/2011 03:52 PM

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day. I have found that this really works!!

BREAKFAST

* 1 Grapefruit

* 1 slice whole-wheat toast

* 1 cup skim milk

LUNCH

* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach

* 1 cup herbal tea

* 1 Penguin Biscuit

AFTERNOON SNACK

* The rest of the Penguins from the packet

* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER

* 4 bottles of wine (red or white) (to cut your appetite)

* 2 loaves garlic bread

* 1 family size Supreme pizza

* 3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK

* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

MIDDLE-OF-THE-NIGHT SNACK

* 1/2 gallon ice cream (also eaten directly from the freezer)

FINALLY REMEMBER:

"Stressed" spelled backwards is desserts".

Send this to four women and they will gain 4 pounds.

Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 25 pounds by comparison.

IF you delete this message you will gain 10 pounds.

"I'm a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser." -Robert Paul

"New Year's Eve: Where auld acquaintance be forgot...Unless, of course, those tests come back positive." -Jay Leno

"New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." -Mark Twain

"Every new year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?" -Ogden Nash

"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused." -Unknown

12. I will not eat other animals' do-doo.

11. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal do-doo.

10. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

9. I will realize my head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

7. I will come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

6. I will get a bite in on that doctor who gives me that shot every year.

5. I will grow an opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

4. I will use the new living room sofa as a day bed.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!

January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

2. I will realize the garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I SEE it LEAVE MY MASTER'S HAND!