Bipolar Support Group

Well for me, i dont go to church because i have panic attacks. but, i do believe in god and that he has given purpose to my life. what it is i dont know, i guess i have to live it longer to find out

i have pray for peace to couldnt find it felt like i would never would.

I am not a Goth. But I do have some of the characteristics of a Goth, at least what I define to be some of the characteristics of a Goth. I have explored the Goth world and have found the majority of these so-called Goths to be nothing more than phony hypocrites trying to be cool in their Halloween suits. You want to know how you can distinguish a true Goth from a phony Goth? It’s easy. A true Goth will deny being a Goth. Some may disagree with this. But the fact is anyone can come up with their own definition of a Goth. My definition of a Goth is that found on the Gothic Christianity website. The people on this site are the only Goths I can relate to. The minister on this site is one of only 5 people that I have ever spilled my guts to on what happened in my life and why I am angry at God. Two of these people are a psychotherapist I saw in 1989 when I was very badly screwed up and questioning the existence of God. The second one is the pdoc I have now. I am bipolar. But it is not that which is screwing me up. I am screwed up by the events which have occurred in my life. I am also not a Gothic Christian. I am a card-carrying Roman Catholic, meaning I only go to church on Christmas and Easter. I believe in all the precepts of the Roman Catholic Church. But I have found the only way for me to approach God is through a Gothic Christian perspective. I believe the Roman Catholic church has let me down in my time of need. This is not a condemnation of the whole Roman Catholic church. It is limited to the particular churches I had bad experiences with. I don’t love God. I am angry at God. They tell me that is better to be angry at God than to ignore Him. I guess I’ll find out someday. I also don’t believe in God on faith. I believe in Him because He has revealed Himself to me. I don’t like to use the term “religious experience” because it is overblown. Let’s just say that events have occurred in my life which I cannot possibly explain other than the existence of God. And being an engineer, I am highly objective and well familiar with statistical probabilities. I lost something in October 1985 that I loved. God took it from me. I have also lost more later. God also took them from me. I feel that God has betrayed me. The only thing which keeps me from suicide is fear of God. I know now that life has lost all meaning for me since October 1985. I have been dead inside since then. I am now one of the beaten down, cynical and disillusioned vagabonds of the world who live in darkness and meaninglessness. Christian Goths also live in a dark world. But they see a small amount of light, just enough light, to keep going on. And so do I. This light comes from the ones God has taken away from me.

Hi Spirit-

I'm brand new to the group. but what you said about faking normalcy.. we all do it everyday- we work very hard to fake it and think we can get away with it. I have a picture in my home that says "Masquerading as a normal person everyday is exhausting". Normal isn't all it's cracked up to be in my opinion.

we can only do our best. love our best and just be.

see you around the site. pj

PJ I have to agree masquerading is so tireing ..Normalicy is not all it is cracked up to be..I stuggle every day and my kids can see right thru me on bad days and good days ..I don`t think I would want to be normal..They seem so boring we are creative imagitive and pardon my spelling..I love the way I am ..I may struggle but I`m a advocate for BP/Depression we are here to lay the path for more to follow in this world..

Keep "passing it forward" as I say. I've spent 14 years advocating for children with autsim. and not really learning about my BP, just enough to get by and get healthy. It's time to do more in this arena- I need more info to grow as a person. I've lost cognition, confidence, work skills- it's time to stop hibernating and really get out and live again.

Well hun it sounds like they have your med cocktail right..I myself found myself where you are lost every thing If I may suggest some books that would really help you get on track ...

Bipolar survival guide

Feeling good David D Burns

The unquiet Mind

I am currently reading The Unquiet Mind it is a wonderful book so far..I`m on SS right now but because I could not handle going to a community college I`m doing online school and it have been easy and not over whelmeing at all and I`m slowly gaining my confidence back and understanding my self better..I have been BP/Depressive for 10yrs now..

I dont think facing normalicy is neccessarily a bad thing and I strive for that in terms of the fact that I want my daughter to live a normal life and not one masked by a dipolar mothers strange behaviour at times. Nevertheless, you are right, bp doesnt define who we are and we should be able to be who we are without feeling we have to be somebody other than the person we are. I realise this statement is double standardisation, but it's not easy to define what's me and what isnt anymore.

well said Colorful. I feel normal for months at a time and then all of a sudden the verbal diarrhea pops up, I bow my head, and realize- BP has reared it's ugly head again. Making life normal for our children is what keeps me fighting everyday- taking meds everyday. Working each day to try. And realizing how blessed I am to have gotten this far. I liked the balance in my life before BP- the easy of acceptance- going with the flow. Being so tense, and all over the place is so difficult- not being able to sit and just be. You know how many GRAMS of ativan it would take me to sit my self on a rock on a mountain and enjoy the view? But this new journey,,,well sure it's different- I just have to find it's beauty.

Thanks for your response. I too have a daughter, and son, whom I worry so about their reactions to my behaviors. Sometimes I think they are saints.-

No, PJ64 I think it is you who are the saint, because you are aware of what needs to be done, of the new journey and of what is important. I enjoyed your message immensely because you inspired me and I think that any bp who inspires others on his/her journey through this thing is commendable. So, thank you... I hope you know how very special you are. Sometimes I think that our intensity is that which helps us not to realise how resilent youngsters are and how lacking in judgement they are, therefore we spend an enourmous amount of time stressing over what they think when for them, ours is a normalicy they can live with. Thank you so much for responding to my message, it means a great deal more than you can imagine.