thanks for making your expertise and time available, honey...it is appreciated.

Post edited by: KrissyH, at: 07/12/2008 18:23

Norma directed me to this site and I can say that I've experienced many of the above examples (eg, the verbal, physical and psychological abuse).

What made me give him an ultimatum on going to marriage counseling was after he put a lit cigarette out on my chest.

During the last two years we've been in counseling, my husband has physically abused me twice which required one ER visit, nine stitches. I have a facial scar. He still denies it was his fault. He also has never said he was sorry for any of these incidents. I also lied in the ER and told them that I "fell," although I could tell the triage nurse knew I was lying (my husband also poured mustard all over my hair) and gave me domestic abuse literature.

Why do I stay???

I have issues too...

My parents divorced when I was 14 (the oldest of four children). It was tough financially, emotionally, etc...

To this day, I always wonder what life would be like if my parents stayed together.

My mother kicked my father out of the house and even though I know she was right, I still have resentment issues toward her and love her at the same time. It's weird.

In my mind, I feel if I can keep this together for the sake of our family, hopefully, one day our children won't resent me.

I feel it would be much easier if he left me.

Does this make any sense???

Post edited by: hanginginthere, at: 07/12/2008 23:44

To understand battered woman's syndrome, one must first understand how someone becomes a "battered woman". According to Dr. Lenore E. Walker, the nation's most prominent expert on battered women, a woman must experience at least two complete battering cycles before she can be labeled a "battered woman". The cycle has three distinct phases. First is the tension-building phase, followed by the explosion or acute battering incident, culminating in a calm, loving respite - often referred to as the honeymoon phase. Walker, L., The Battered Woman (1979).

It is also important to understand why battered women stay in abusive relationships. The Court in People v. Aris, 215 Cal App 3d 1194, 264 Cal Rptr 167, 178 (1989) stated that "battered women tend to stay in abusive relationships for a number of reasons." Among those reasons: women are still positively reinforced during the honeymoon phase; women tend to be the peacekeepers in relationships - the ones responsible for making the marriage work; adverse economic consequences; it is more dangerous to leave than to stay; prior threats by batterer to kill self, or children; or to abscond with children; lost self-esteem; and no psychological energy to leave - resulting in a learned helplessness or psychological paralysis.

"Battered woman syndrome describes a pattern of psychological and behavioral symptoms found in women living in battering relationships." People v. Romero, 13 Cal Rptr 2d 332, 336 (Cal App 2d Dist. 1992); See Walker, L., The Battered Woman Syndrome (1984) p. 95-97. There are four general characteristics of the syndrome:

1. The woman believes that the violence was her fault.

2. The woman has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.

3. The woman fears for her life and/or her children's lives.

4. The woman has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.

"Battered woman's syndrome is best understood as a subgroup of what the American Psychological Association defines as Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, rather than as a form of mental illness." IX New York Law School Journal of Human Rights "You've Come a Long Way, Baby: The Battered Woman's Syndrome Revisited" at 117-118; Walker, L., Terrifying Love: Why Battered Women Kill and How Society Responds (1989) at 48.

battered women's syndrome is most often thought of as a defense when a woman eventually kills her abusive partner. as you can see, this author lists many of the reasons for staying that i listed in my previous post.

the questions you ask: WHY DO I STAY? and DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE? are answered by stating the fact that you are suffering from battered women's syndrome. although you state that your husband does not say he is sorry for these incidents, there must be some periods of calm between the violence that characterize your "honeymoon phase", or the time when you can convince yourself that things can change and that HE can change and that your life together can be happy.

it sounds like the reason you stay is that you feel, as the court stated in the case mentioned in the article, that you are responsible for being the peacekeeper and for making the marriage work and keeping your family intact. unfortunately, this is impossible. it is only your abuser who can change to make the family work, and this would take years of individual counseling--extremely intensive work for which one must be highly motivated. your husband does not even have the courage to own up to his CRIMINAL, CRUEL, DESTRUCTIVE behavior. he would absolutely not be able to do this work at this time, in my opinion.

you say that you don't want your children to resent you for breaking up their family. try hard to meditate on this idea and give it some true thought. boys learn how they are to treat women from their fathers. girls learn how they are to be treated by men from their fathers. the atmosphere for children in an abusive home, whether or not they witness the actual violence, has proven to be the most destructive of all situations, even more so than being raised in abject poverty. meditate on this thought: WHAT FAVOR AM I DOING MY CHILDREN BY STAYING?

i can help you understand why you're staying, and that's what i've tried to do by what i've shared with you above. i can tell you what kind of horribly negative effect this is having on your children, whether or not you can understand that right now. i can't make you leave, though. you suffer from a psychological syndrome, reinforced by fears from your childhood family experiences. you need help. anyone would. you need to see a qualified psychologist who can help you to work through these thoughts and feelings and see that your reasons for staying may seem rational to you, but they are, rather, completely destructive to both you and your children.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU NEED TO KEEP IN MIND IS THAT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE DOESN'T BECOME LESS INTENSE OVER TIME. THE VIOLENCE ESCALATES, AND OFTEN EXPANDS TO INCLUDE CHILDREN.

you are in serious danger at this point. i am sick at heart for you that you have to face the fact that you have a very sick criminal for a partner, but it's true. today, you can start to take back the power you've given away to him. today, you can start taking steps towards getting yourself and your children out of the danger you are all living in. today, you can say that you are going to start refusing to be his victim any longer.

HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. YOU HAVE TO DO THE CHANGING, NOT ONLY FOR YOURSELF, BUT ALSO FOR YOUR CHILDREN. LIVING IN A HOME LIKE YOUR HOME CHANGES WHO CHILDREN WERE MEANT TO BE. IT IS THAT PROFOUND. AS PARENTS AND ADULTS, IT IS OUR JOB TO PROTECT THEM. WE HAVE NO RIGHT TO ALLOW THEM TO REMAIN IN A SITUATION THAT WILL CHANGE WHO THEY WERE MEANT TO BE.

i would never say this is an easy road. it is painful and difficult. but you need to get therapy right now to help you to GET OUT!!! you are a human being and you do not deserve this. you are not doing your children any favors by staying. i hope this helps you to understand why you're doing what you're doing=staying. more than anything, though, i hope it helps you to understand that it's time to make a different choice for you and your children.

i will keep you in my thoughts and welcome any questions you might have.

peace to you.

zinnia

In all honesty, that is probably the BEST advise I have ever seen given on this site. You should print this out, and read it every day, until your realize how much truth there is in it. I know deep down you realize that it is true. You need to act upon it, and get yourself, and your children, out of the destructive situation you are in.

Sincerely,

Paul

My question can a man be an abused spouse?

Post edited by: norma, at: 08/06/2008 04:15

domestic violence towards males is actually thought to be underreported because of the stigma attached.

Zinnia, I am wondering can men be abused too???...

My question can a man be an abused spouse?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, my hands up on this one. For 18 years I was married to an out of control rageholic who was borderline, but wouldn't go to counseling. Twice she tried to kill us both while being in a rage by grabbing the steering wheel at 70 MPH and trying to run us into concrete abutments. On January 7th (my birthday) of 1992 she decided that I was the only one that needed to die so she went for the guns and I had a choice of shooting her ass in self defense or running...I ran to the nearest hotel. I called my therapist, whom sweet wifey poo had been to one time, and she called my wife and then called me back to tell me to stay away from home and that she would see both of us in her office on Monday morning. We showed up separately and were escorted in. My therapist asked what was going on? I made the comment that she got angry at me again. My wife, smiling, said calmly that she had never been angry at me a day in her life. The light finally came on!!

The other part of the story is that I went in to therapy two years before the marriage ended trying to save the marriage from one side. My wife flew into an uncontrollable rage on the average of twice a week. The more I went to therapy and was getting reacquainted with lobo and getting him back to who he really is, the more violent she got because she was losing control...abuse is almost always a last ditch effort to control. Most weeks for two years I showed up in the therapists office clawed and bruised to shit. My 5'-2", 110 pound wife would get so angry that one time I locked myself in the bedroom...in an adrenalin fueled rage she tore the lock right out of the strike in order to get at me. I then learned to retreat to the bathroom and sat on the floor for hours with my back against the door while she pounded and rammed the door trying to get in.

The obvious question most folks are thinking while reading this is why the hell didn't you get out?? The answer in my case is simple...I thot I deserved it and didn't have enough self worth to know any better. There are many reasons abusees stay in that type of relationship and stupidity is not one of them so I really get pissed when people attack abuse victims verbally calling them stupid for hanging around. It's kind of like blaming a women for getting raped because she shouldn't have parked so far out in the mall parking lot at night...is she stupid?

So when a woman says she's been abused for umpteen years, I understand how she can stay in that long.

So can men be abused too?? Yep, I had the physical and emotional ends of it. But, it has a happy ending...today I don't put up with any abusive shit and I came out not hating women...thanks to a boat load of female therapists.

One added note for hanginthere, men that batter women are nothing less than chicken shit cowards. If you were 6 feet tall and weighed 200 pounds then he'd damn sure think twice about a potential ass whooping...size does matter and if that doesn't work a baseball bat to the knees in his sleep damn sure will.

Post edited by: lobo, at: 07/13/2008 13:23