I am Billie and I'm new to this group

I have an awesome husband that was born out of his time. He is now 43, but he has the soul of someone 70. I mean that he is not like most men these days. He is loyal, full of integrity, does not give in to the pressures of change, and he loves unconditionally. There are many many many more, but I'll just stick to those for right now. LOL

I have a 19 year old son in the Army who was just diagnosed with Bi-polar to my dismay. I new it, but did not want it to be true. I kept putting off putting him in counseling or seeing a shrink, but in the end Bi-polar won out. The Army is reviewing his case to see if he will be able to stay in the Army. We should know something in the next month or two.

I also have a (soon to be) 18 year old son that is a great athlete and is a Senior and college student. My youngest son, 16 years old, is also a great athlete and should go to college for Theater Arts. He takes his first class this summer and I am excited. I am really more excited than he is.

I was in college, full time, when I was diagnosed with this crap and had to drop out due to not being able to deal with being around people. I go back this spring, but I will just be taking two or three classes on two days. Maybe it won't be too much for me.

Enough about me. This is what I posted in my Diary for the first time. I thought I'd share it with you. I am not good at keeping things up. I will start it and then forget I ever started it until months later. I am sure you all understand.

Just want to say that it will nice meeting you all and God bless.

Billie

I struggle, day to day, with this nightmare of a disease called Manic-depressive (Bi-Polar). I also suffer from Anxiety and depression. They are really apart of bi-polar. This is my venting Diary, I hope. I can't keep up one thing for long, but I pray that I can manage a diary again. God knows it is an awesome tool to use when you think you have gone no where, you are going no where, or you feel you can't go no where anymore. I have a diary that I kept for over a year, with the encouragement of my counselor, and I am amazed at where I have come from and what I have accomplished in spite of this horrible disease.

I love the Lord and will pray for you and I ask that you pray for me.

God bless you all

Billie Turknett

About the Diary Name. I miss ME. The person I once was, the person I'll never be again. I have asked, but not much, why this had to happen to me. What in the world can I do with this? I know that I can do a lot, but then, I am not mentally able for any real length of time. I think that I can move mountains when I am up and I can't move a single grain of sand when I am down.

God will reveal to me what and why when HE is ready, and maybe even give me back if not all, then some of the life that I loved so much way back when. Until then... I'll have to deal with the life I have been handed. Don't get me wrong, I love my life now more than I could ever imagine (other than the Bi-polar), but I cause so much pain to others that I often wonder if it is even worth living. My husband and my kids love me unconditionally, and I love them unconditionally as well, but I cause them pain and anxiety. They have to worry about me most of the time and it is not fair to them.

I wonder Where's the balance for them in life. Am I meant to be in thier life to make them stronger, to make them more compassionate, to educate them about mental disorders, what? What? Why? Why?

I know we all have a past and unimaginable pain and hurts. I had my share and just when it all came to an end and I met the most wonderful man on the planet, my world fell apart and I was diagnosed with Bi-polar. Just when I stepped into that light at the end of the tunnel, a new challenge was waiting there for me.

There is a reason, I have a purpose, I have to find my will, I have to meet the challenge head on, but doing that takes something that I have not been able to find in myself, yet.

Billie [b]